radiohead20 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Hey guys, I am trying to find answer and simple solution for this situation I am in right now - As I feel all I want to do is make the right decision for the future of the mother, the child, and for myself. I simply do not know what to do. Basically, I dated a girl for about a year and a half. For me, I was not completely physically attracted to her when we first started dating. There was chemistry in the fact that we got along very well, she looked good on paper, and we had similar viewpoints on a lot of things and similar interests. This alone was enough for me to give her a chance. Was I settling? - I wasn't sure. In my mind I had a nagging feeling that I was but I wanted to take the mature route (since she we got along very well) and see where it went. Fast Forward a year and a half later. She had moved in with me after the 8th month (I did not want her to, but she said that she needed someone to support her otherwise she could not get her dream job and would have to move back home to her hometown far away). I did so as a kind gesture, and to see how we got along living together. Over the time that we lived with each other, we grew closer together. She was the one I could tell anything to, and her the same. She gave me so much love and loyalty. We were best friends. However, for me there was just something that was "missing". I could not put a finger on it. Maybe it was the lack of physical attraction, maybe it was the fact that we had moved to fast, maybe it was the fact that she was not someone I would normally have continued seeing. It was the first relationship I had where there was no "honeymoon" phase. She continued to tell me she loved, and I could just not bring myself to say it. There was also pressure for marriage - and this was something I could not see myself doing with her. These doubts grew and i decided it was best for us to break up. So we did. Immediately after we started dating, I started seeing another girl. I was not "trying" or searching to see someone, it just happened. To be honest, I wasnt expecting anything out of the new relationship, had my doubts about her (just like any other girl), but she suprised me. We got along extremely well and we had that "chemistry" that I felt like was missing from my first relationship. 2 days we became officially bf/gf I came back drop some mail at my ex gfs house. for quite some time, my ex had been trying to win me back and everytime I had said no. Eventually I told her that this was the last time I would talk to her and she needed to talk to someone else about this - to surround herself with family/friends etc. She was completey heartbroken. I was the one she thought she would marry for certain. I had crushed her world and blindsided her. That night, I had absolutely NO intention of cheating on the new girl with my ex. if you had told me I would do that I would've slapped you in the face and called you crazy. I showed up - my ex was dressed up to the tea - the missing physical component that had not been there when we were dating was all of a sudden there. I dont know if it was a moment of weakness or what, but I ended up sleeping with my ex-gf. In her mind, the new girl I had seeing was completely wrong for me. She was the complete opposite of my ex gf (she was). my ex saw it as a classic rebound relationship, even if I swore it wasnt at the time. She needed to fix me, she had to talkk me out of it. in the heat of passion, we had unprotected sex. We both freaked out and she took plan B afterwards in front of me. It was a stupid decision on both our parts - but we thought we were still safe. We were wrong. 2 weeks later the pregnacny test revealed a positive result. We were that lucky 1% that got pregnant after taking plan B. I was immediately devasted, as I thought that my heart was with the new girl (despite the fact taht I cheated) and not with my ex. My ex told me she was keeping it - no questions asked. Over the next few months I went crazy. My ex whom I had broken up with for a reason was pregnant. And at the same time I had starting seeing a new girl taht I was getting closer and closer too (and had given me a second chance after I told her I cheated on her, even it was early). Stupidly, I continued to see the new girl and grew closer and closer to her until we started throwing around the "I love yous" after about 4 months. In my mind, as we grew closer, this new girl was the best relationship I had never had - everything was there. We started ignoring the whole pregnancy thing I started tossing out ideas of what to do when she graduated colelge. I had never connected or had that level of chemistry with anyone before, and I had dated alot of people and been in several long term relationships. however, In my mind, I felt like my world was crumbling apart - the closer I grew to the new girl the moree I realized that I might lose someone that I could see myself with- She had mentioned to me that if it was my child, that she could not be with me, no matter how in love we were. Mainly because the child was the result of me cheating on her, and that I would have to be in contact with my ex-gf continuously. the thought of that was to much for her to bear. I understood. After the paternity results came back positive, we both wept uncontrollably and realized what we had to do. I had to be there for my child, and support my ex-gf as much as I could. Because of that, we had to end our relationship. It was quite possibly the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me - I had searched 27 years of my life, and been with several of the "wrong" people adn finally found someone I had truly clicked with and truly could see myself with. And I had to let her go. After that experience - the question arises - should I try to get back together with my ex-gf? Maybe not now but at least try in the near future? Obviously it is stupid to rush into anything. I guess whaat I am afraid of is feeling "pressured" and "forced" to marry her because of the child, and then realizing years down the road that I only married her because I felt like I had to, and then getting a divorce, putting the entire family in a much terrible situation. What also is hard is that whenever I see my ex, or try to feel something for my ex, I immediately compare her to the relationshipp that ended. And there is no comparison. I look at my ex and see a stagnant relationship where I questioned whether or not i truly loved her and then I remember my relationship with the most recent girl and remember all the chemistry/passion/excitement/connectedness we had. Whether or not she was truly right for me I will never truly know, since the relationship was ended abruptly. I just cannot see myself having feelings for my ex. I try but its like banging my head against a wall. I can't force it. but I feel like I have to - I have to for the baby and for both of our lives. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Ok for starters and only starters - I think it was very unfair of your new girl, not only to "accept" your cheating (which she did) but then to turn around and say "If the child is yours it's over". Because she had accepted and forgiven you for cheating, but if the baby was a by-product she's out????? No, that's pretty heartless. Do you think you can get that part sorted out first at all? Link to comment
bananashake Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Ok for starters and only starters - I think it was very unfair of your new girl, not only to "accept" your cheating (which she did) but then to turn around and say "If the child is yours it's over". Because she had accepted and forgiven you for cheating, but if the baby was a by-product she's out????? No, that's pretty heartless. Do you think you can get that part sorted out first at all? I am not convinced that his gf realizes he cheated 2 weeks into their relationship. Instead of telling the new gf about the cheating, did you just tell her that conception happened before you met her and you weren't convinced the child was yours, thus, waiting for paternity? And if the tables were turned and you were in your (now) ex's shoes, how would u deal? Despite what happened, I would not try to get your gf back. Dating/marrying a father is big business. Instead of having you to herself, she will have the biomom and the child to contend with, too. And there will always always always be some baby mama drama. She is smart to realize she doesn't want that. And I don't blame her. I would suggest you stop dating, get the whole custody, etc figured out by the courts, figure out what type of father you are going to be and how you are going to deal with Biomom when she throws some crazy antics out there, read the book "stepmonster" and then approach a new relationship with someone who is OK with the idea of dating a man with kids., If your ex has a change of heart, she will come back. But if not, game over. Don't dwell, you will find someone else. Link to comment
ut804 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Honestly, don't be with your ex (mother of your child). You kept saying there was something missing, and you can't possibly love her that much if you found someone better and would rather be with the other girl. Don't be with someone out of pressure because you have a kid together. Only be with someone because you truly love that person. However, do the right thing and take care of the baby and help her as much as you can. It's hard to give you advice because only you know how you feel, and it's really your decision in the end. And the new girl has every right to leave. I would leave a guy if he cheated on me and got an ex pregnant! And I wouldn't want all that baby mama drama. No thanks. Too much baggage. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 In my opinion, I would not go back to your ex - pregnant or not. Make it clear to her, that you will be there for the child. Don't promise your ex anything that you won't deliver on. It is a mess, but not a total mess that can't be sorted out for everyone. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 I am not convinced that his gf realizes he cheated 2 weeks into their relationship. Instead of telling the new gf about the cheating, did you just tell her that conception happened before you met her and you weren't convinced the child was yours, thus, waiting for paternity? And if the tables were turned and you were in your (now) ex's shoes, how would u deal? I told her that I cheated on her, I told her it was up to her to continue the relationship or not. She gave me a second chance. My Ex was sorta seeing someone at the same time, so i was unsure whether it was mine or the othere guys Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Long gone are the days and the ideals of - "if i get a girl pregnant, I HAVE to be with her". Nothing is more false. You HAVE to be there for the CHILD. That's it. You made a mistake hooking up with her. But that does NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT mean, that you do not deserve to be happy with someone. She wasn't the one for you. Period end of story. Don't let the circumstances cloud what you already know. You were not happy with her without the presence of a child. Don't kid yourself(or her) and think things will magically turn around now that a child is here. Sometimes two parents that are happier with other people then with each other, is the best upbringing for a child. Don't settle. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Long gone are the days and the ideals of - "if i get a girl pregnant, I HAVE to be with her". Nothing is more false. You HAVE to be there for the CHILD. That's it. You made a mistake hooking up with her. But that does NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT mean, that you do not deserve to be happy with someone. She wasn't the one for you. Period end of story. Don't let the circumstances cloud what you already know. You were not happy with her without the presence of a child. Don't kid yourself(or her) and think things will magically turn around now that a child is here. Sometimes two parents that are happier with other people then with each other, is the best upbringing for a child. Don't settle. Agreed. The worst part of this is that my ex disagrees that I was not in love with her. She says that "well lets please try to make it work out, please, I know you loved me, you were just lost". I tell her "no sorry I didn't". Sorry if I lead you on. She is using the fact that I won't try to be with her and says "because you didn't try to be with me, Im going to resent you for the rest of my life, and do what I can to support the kid and all, irregardless of your wants or needs". I fear she is going to screw me out of child support money (she is a lawyer after all) and totally screw up my entire life because I didnt "try" to be with her. I mean, part of the reason I stayed with her was because she had her head on straight and seemed like she had good morals, but now the more we argue about this the more I am starting to think she is slightly psychotic. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Yikes - she's a lawyer? Oh boy. Well, still in all. No one, can convince you about you. Let her words fall on deaf ears....for some reason, I think she trapped you. Yeah, I read that part about you seeing her take the Plan B...but from personal experience(unless they've changed the process) I thought the package came with two pills to take..and do you know if she really swallowed it? Hate to put the ideas in your head, but something about her being so reluctant to let you go, being dressed killer when you came by, and all this nonsense about how you "really feel" about her and the past relationship, smells very fishy to me. Truth is she's going to resent you either way, so don't listen to all that babble. Based on her responses, it sounds like it's going to get ugly before it gets better, so I would start consulting with a family lawyer asap to protect YOURSELF. Don't let her be like so many other women and use the kid as a pawn. Don't fall victim to that crap. Lean on people you can trust right now(not her). Link to comment
seventies1985 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Hi radiohead20, Remember a woman needs support during her pregnacy and you are also responsable for the sex you had with her. You can not leave her alone now, if she tells you to go away then you can offer your support. You need to say to yourself that you have to take responsebility for your actions, it was YOU who made the decision to have sex with her, so you can't say that it just happened, thats not fair and it's like you say that someone else decides for your life. Be a man, you have to be there for her. I can only say that if you can't love her anymore then love her for being the mother of your child. I think you should spend some time alone, not with another woman or new girlfriend, not with any ex you had, just be with yourself. That will give you power to find out what you want. If you search for comfort and support from another girl then you will not be able to deal with this. I say this also for the child and the mother and for yourself. If you truly feel you can not be a partner for her and love her, well then decide about this later, not now let this have some time...Then maybe you can give the relationship another change. Also you can not feel yet what is is to be a father, this also might wake you up and make a good decision about the relationship. At this point you can not only think about what you feel and about what you want, you have to think in long term, not only in what you feel now. Link to comment
ut804 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Some of the brands are only 1 pill now. Bt you never know... or maybe she took it and then threw up after? or it could have just failed, it's a 25% faulire rate (not 1%, thats regualr birth control). Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Some of the brands are only 1 pill now. Bt you never know... or maybe she took it and then threw up after? or it could have just failed, it's a 25% faulire rate (not 1%, thats regualr birth control). Incorrect, Plan B reduces the chance of getting pregnant from one episode of unprotected ex by 89%. However, the chance of getting pregnant from one episode is only 8%, so the chance is of pregnacy gets reduced from 8% to 1%. Source: Plan B Website. Yeah she took it in front of me and swallowed the pills Link to comment
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