Friend who I want more than a friend but very painful

[gab1982]

So I like this girl who is Chinese I told her how I feel, I moved to another country (spain) for her to get to know her more, the boyfriend who just became a boyfriend 3 months ago just came into the picture then, he actually took advantage of her, i wanted to do lots of stuff and i actually planned to take her places, she had told me that there was no good people when i came here on vacation last yr (i came here every yr) me and her hit it off but nothing more than a close friendship i guess but really close.

 

When the boyfriend had taken advantage of her she came to me crying so i helped her then me and her had a falling out and she said i didn't help her (yet i know i had listened to her), as i stayed with her in her flat we became closer and drank together, she used to say she couldn't find the ideal man who would go to church and not drink much (she has a past history of marrying a drunk person which turned out bad), i told her to safe guard my heart i would leave if she was to become married, recently she has become engaged to him.

 

Despite me trying to give her advice she has ignored it, and when we had a brief argument she said i didn't help her, she isn't happy she cried in front of me but also she has gone against her parents wishes of wanting to marrying him (due to age) me and her lost our friendship she has become a bit cold with me and to tell the truth my life in the uk is hard as my dad is ill etc, i wanted to start again and i really loved her.

 

I said I would really look after her and i would although job stability for me is very tough to find and i found a job in spain but I'm so hurt because me and her have drifted apart now and i tried so hard for that not to happen. (For those who think I'm crazy i have aspergers syndrome and thus have some social issues).

 

I wanted to show her lots of things, i will always love her but apparently I'm not what she is looking for: stability, experience - she only looks to date older men than her. I went to church for her, i don't drink much to get me drunk (due to my epilepsy). At present she doesn't want to go anywhere with me, i used to walk her home, she doesn't like people to talk much and unfortunately i think I did, can i get it back like it was before, do I move on. I feel a pain in my chest its so difficult for me.

 

She told me i tried to cross the line and become more than a friend.

 

Is it time to move on and how? I don't know many people and my family in the uk live in a small area. Do i quit my job to go back to a life with no job but with people around me, the boyfriend buys her loads of presents, takes her places on the weekend i can't do that as i don't have much money and recently he bought a apartment for her, now a engagement ring.

 

She got me going to church again, ironically i did it for her as i used to believe, he doesn't go to church and he drinks, sorry I'm sounding a little bitter, i guess i want to be happy and I'm really happy with her, she has only been dating him for 3 months.

 

Any help through this pain?

[winniethepooh]

The way I see it, you have four choices about what to focus on. All of them will be painful. If you try to focus on more than one, you will increase your pain and decrease the likelihood of getting what you want.

 

1. Be her savior, White Knight, rescuer, counselor, etc. This is what you are doing at the moment. The end result might be a friendship but I doubt it will be a relationship. And there is a strong likelihood that her partner/fiancee will get annoyed at your interference and react in a way that becomes problematic for you and her. While you perform this role, you are giving her energy and getting nothing in return except perhaps the satisfaction of helping someone. But that satisfaction is not going to compensate you for the increasing unrequited feeling of love that you have. She won't show, or be able to show her appreciation of what you do because it will conflict with whatever feelings she has for the other guy (whether that's loyalty, love, fear, who knows).

 

2. Be her friend. But a friendship should be balanced, and this one isn't. So it becomes just a variation on the first choice. Anyway, as long as you have feelings for her, it's very difficult to just be a friend. Your feelings won't go away while you are in contact with her, and are likely to increase. The friendship with unrequited feelings of love on your part is also likely to interfere with her other relationship and that will be problematic for both of you.

 

3. Try to be her boyfriend and compete with the other guy. It doesn't sound like you can on a level playing field, nor does it sound like she's interested in that. So chances are you will fail and get hurt. Even if you succeed, there are so many other factors in play that you have described, that the resulting relationship would be so out of kilter, and have such a weak foundation, that it seems quite likely it would topple over quickly.

 

4. Disconnect from her and leave her to sort out her life. Focus on your life without her. This is the hardest one for you to face right now because it brings you the most amount of pain in the short term as you try to let go of any hope that you will get together with her. Ironically, this is the best choice if you want to have a shot at a long-term relationship with her, not that I think it's likely under the circumstances. But I think a long-term balanced relationship is even less likely if you focus on any of the other options.

 

 

She is messing you around with all this. Whether she's doing it deliberately or not doesn't matter. She is not helping you in any way, whether you want to be her counselor, her friend, or her boyfriend.

 

You have done enough to demonstrate how you feel and what you want. She hasn't done anything to show you that she appreciates it.

 

Leave her alone, detach from her, and push her away if she keeps coming to you with her problems. The longer you wait, the more painful it will be for you.