Married to best friend but sexualy attracted to other woman.

[nightcrewzer]

Hi. I'am a 40 year old man, in a confounding situation and beginning to question my normalcy. I have allways been a verry shy person, especally with attractive women. This was a big obsticle for me in my younger dating age years. I would try to start relationships with attractive girls that were also attracted to me but soon they would be off with an outspoken not shy, other guy. On the other hand, With not so attractive girls , I felt verry little intimidation and could myself be that outspoken guy. At about 18 years old I met a girl from my high school, we became good friends, I was not attracted to her as a lover, but she was in me. We kept in contact through the years as best friends, but continued dating others. At around 24 years of age, i found my self extremly lonely , sexually and socially. I started spending most of my free time with her, and we started having sex. then we married, problem is, during sex I have to fantasize about another woman, verry attractive, that I've befriend at work, and have fallen in love with. Iknow this friend at work will probably not lead to sexual relationship, because she's also married, but she opens up to me in ways no pretty woman ever has. Am I nuts? Its driving me there, this woman is on my mind 24-7, what do you think?

[sisterlynch]

You need to back off from the lady at work a little, don't worry she'll find someone else to talk to about her problems. She shouldn't be burdening you with her personal stories anyway! It is a little unprofessional wouldn't you say?

 

Tell her that you have work to catch up on or you would like to spend some alone time or something, people can have trouble gettin the No message, I know this to be true!

 

Take that energy that you would spend thinking about the other woman, and spend it talking to your wife, and listening too, the two go hand in hand!

 

It really isn't that hard to do, when ever the idea of the other woman comes into your head, replace it with a different fantacy! In the future try to stay more open with your emotions and tell her that she is going too far when you feel the least ( and I mean least!) bit uncomfortable!

 

This is how you'll build new boundaries around you, and you 'll feel more comfortable in the future.

[binkiekitty]

Wow that is a bit of a problem... and totally not fair to your wife. She is your best friend and I tell my best friend everything (who happens to be my fiance) but don't tell her this... it would really hurt. You realize that if you married your wife out of conviniece for yourself that you are very selfish. However, it is widely accepted that people fantisize during sex, even, and esspecially, in monogomous relationships. This isn't that abnormal. On the bigger issue, you need to figure out where you stand with your wife. If you don't love her you need to be honest with yourself, and perhaps in the end, with her. This is such a sad story. I don't mean to blame you, but it seems that you've made some less than good decisions.

 

-- please excuse my spelling... it sucks I know.

[sisterlynch]

This person is not that different than everyone else, they are just letting their fantacy life take over a little too much. We all do it occasionally.

 

It shouldn't be that big of a deal, if he learns to control himself. We don't need to throw out an entire relationship, just because he fantacizes about another woman, do we?

 

He needs to control his impulses, that is all. I also think that he should tell his fiancee that this could be a problem for him. This is something to be done very carefully so as to protect her sanity as well.

[toolgirl150]

There is a huge difference between an occasional fantasy and having fantasies fuel your life - your marraige. It sounds like there is a possibility you married for the wrong reasons. You need to address that. My big suggestion is to start some therapy to explore that. First individually, then in couples counselling. If you don't, you will end up having an affair. When something so big as this is missing in your marriage it is hard to ignore and just be happy with what you've got.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself and perhaps on some level with your wife before you start making mistakes that will turn an unhappy situation into an ugly situation.

 

good luck to you.

[Luke]

i feel for u nitecrewzer,

people who have not been in a relationship with someone who they are not attracted to do not understand that this is immensely painful, i know this from first hand experience as well. The sad thing is that you may have a deep connection on an emotional/intellectual level and care for each other deeply, but the chemistry is just not there - and you would do anything to make the chemistry work but if it isn't there it isn't there.

Get some couple therapy and explain exactly to her that this is the problem, you do not have to be trapped in this hell any longer.