break up feels so final and i have been a pathetic MESS...advice/wise words?

[rebellefleur]

My boyfriend and i of a year and a half broke up about two months ago. We had a great relationship in the start, but long distance and personal problems just made it really hard and a lot of fighting towards the end and he just gave up. I regret not just letting go then, but i kept holding on and we still talked everyday basically, it felt no different. Some days he would tell me that we can take things slow and he hoped for us in the future, then the next day he would flip it and tell me that he didn't want a relationship or to work on things. It was a roller coaster from hell that just made me hurt and bitter.

 

Recently, after all of the constant back and forth stuff, i just lost so much hope. I had been fighting for two months for someone that just wasn't budging and could only tell me "I love you but i don't want to be with you." I completely snapped from everything being bottled up. To make a long story short, things just became hostile between us. I did some things to make him mad and he went overboard and poured out things that hurt me and cut deep. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't want to be with someone like me, that he'd rather get hit by a truck than be with me again, that i was a crazy * * * * * , that he deserved better. I could go on, but they were just the most painful things to hear. He finally ended it by changing his status on facebook and deleting me and all of my friends who knew him. His friends and all put me through hell too, since they all left nast comments and texts to me. I'm 22, shocking i know- you'd think i was 14 with a situation like that.

 

I have just been hurting so bad. I keep texting and calling, and i can't help it. I just want him to want me back. I don't know how to be strong, i feel so hopeless and i love him so much still, it breaks my heart. He just sounds so cold and like it doesn't even bother him. He calmly but coldly told me today that "he just doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't need that for his life right now, he has other things to worry about and he doesn't know what the future holds but right now he doesn't want to be with me and he isn't planning on being with me."

 

With a situation like this, do you think there is ever any getting back together? What is my best course of action? If i wanted to get him back, what could i possibly do?

[Awoken]

If you have spent time reading through this site you will find one consistant piece of advice: Start working on YOU, get yourself feeling better NOW! If you are able to work on issues that may have contributed to your breakup this will help you start your healing process. I know it's hard for you to let go right now (check my story out) but you need to get yourself into a healthy mental space so you can make better decisions, cause right now that isn't happening. The pain you have right now will last for a while, even longer if you can't start this process. You should be sharing this situation with supportive family and friends. Don't just look for advice that YOU want to hear either, take in eveything that people tell you. It will help you even more as your imagination will go into overdrive during this time, increasing your stress levels!!

 

Keep eating (try to pick healthy options), lots of water, gym or any kind of exercise. Making yourself feel better physically will also help you feel better emotionally. Lots to think about. Don't forget to use this site to. It helps to talk to others who have been through similar situations. Good luck my friend

[rebellefleur]

Thanks a lot. I shall try. It's just so hard to put on a smile and not relapse, and fall in pathetic mode. I just find it so hard to grasp that someone can just walk away and tell you they aren't in love with you anymore. I'll never understand how one person can be so in love and the other person is gone. It's so hard not ti dial a million times and beg.

[gal1989]

I feel for you I reallly do. My story is SO similar to youbi! I was with my ex a year and a half, it was so great at first. We broke up 2 months ago (due to arguing alot) I wanted to work through things as I believed we could overcome it because we wernt like that for a year! And like your ex, he gave up and didn't want to. Even though he said he wanted to be with me forever you name it. But nothing.

 

We stayed in contact for ages, like in ur situation and I begged and pleaded everything! Like u did too. The more I did the less he said when he replied. I told him how hurt I was, I said things to hurt him (not things such as I'd rather be hit by a truck though, that is extremely harsh for him to say that!) But I snapped liie u, "why don't u love me, your being so cold, why this why that".

 

In the last few weeks we have hardly contacted each other after i apologized as luch as i could for snapping. He said I had pushed him away to the point he "feels nothing" between us. Man that hurt!! He said his heads a mess and isn't in the right "frame of mind" to be in a relationship. He seemed so so cold and heartless and I told him so.

 

Anyway to the main point of my reply; since hardly contacting each other (the only time I did was to get my things back off him and vice versa) I was strong and thought "no!, he KNOWS what I feel, I've apologized and I've hurt him and pushed him away its best to not say anything now" well he has actually contacted me more then what he did when I was contacting him every 2 mins, and being nice. he even said thanks for me loving him so Mich etc etc and I hadn't heard that for a very long time.

 

I say back off. Yes its unbearable at times, but don't think of him, think about what you are up to, or what you can do for the day, have fun with friends or family it should take ur mind off it more. He hasn't had time to calm down, hasn't had time to see things straight or feel guilty for what he has said. And you haven't. It makes you step back a bit. It feels so much better not doing the back and forth contact thing, i felt like absolute sh it!!

 

I still have hope we get back together, I still can't ever imagine him not being in my life. I would marry him right now. Probably like u, u want to get back with him.

 

He knows how you feel. If u let him "calm down" and for the dust to settle he will be more likely to contact u, maybe apologize and have chance to miss you. Like I thpugh I would never hear my ex say that what he did about thanks for loving him etc. He can't have truly meant he feels nothing. And he for sure wasn't cold acbd heartless I have now realized. He probably isn't either. He is probably hurting as much as you, and like me I've pushed him away because of it. But like I said it could be reversable by backing off. He may find his way back to you.

In the meantime do things YOU enjoy and WANT to do. Dont hink "what is he up to, what does he feel about me" it does you no good.

 

Hope this helps xx

[rebellefleur]

Wow, gal1989, it's absolutely incredible how similar our situations are. (And by judging by your name, we're the same age ^^ ) But i'm just in awe. The things you've described, the way you felt, the things he said (i'm sure he wasn't as mean as my guy), it's all word for word basically. Especially about not being in the frame of mind for a relationship, and being pushed away, etc. And you're right i do still have so much hope for him. I need to gain the strength to just worry about me right now and not think of him. I am so ridiculously weak when it comes to that aspect. I give in SO easily and i'll think of him for a second and how he isn't missing me, and i'll just get the sickest feeling in my gut.

 

When your guy said he was done with the relationship and all- did he sound really serious? Did you feel like you would never hear from him again? I really need to gain the strength to do the no contact bit and give him a chance to miss me, but it's so scary to think he won't, that he is done for good.

[gal1989]

I thought that when I read yours too hehe! Yeh he didn't say much, hardly anythung. It wa usually me texting him saying something along the lines of "how can u not love me anymore, if u asked me to marry u I would" "why are you walking away" blah blah blah and his responses? "how do you expect me to reply to something like that" or "we've gone over this before" "i feel like I'm just explaining myself all the time" and "there's no way to answer u without sounding nasty" he seemed really cold, seemed like he was glad to be out of the relationship and after him saying he feels nothing anynore I doubted he missed me at all.

The truth is at one point way before he said he felt nothing he told me to give him space. which I didn't, and I regret ax million times over I didn't. We may have been together now and he may have felt stronger for me and him than now So that's why you need to stop contacting him, at least stop telling him how you feel, how you want to be with him and saying things to hurt him. I know its hard, but its so much better. i wish I listened to people more when they told me STOP TALKING TO HIM!! lol I hope its not too late for him to ever change his mind, but stop while you can, before he pushes you away/you push him away any further. I wish I took this advice!

 

I think deep down he misses you, were all human and you were together for a year and a half. Of course he does. If he is still in contact with you/still responding to you that shows that imo. Someone on here told me to "speak to him how I would want to be spoken too" its SO true! And I vow to myself never to plead and be hurtful like that again to him. He's said some harsh stuff so I know you probably thi.k he doesnt deserve it but YOU be the better person here and try not to react. Don't even tell him your not going to contact him much because if he doesnt respond it will upset you and will male you wantt to contact him again "why didn't you reply, don't you care" etc. That's just what i did aall the time. It's just best if u want things to improve not to. You will be surprised, and im sure other people will tell you.

 

I'm not saying "yes he will get back together with you" and focus all on that, but it will make the current situation so much better for you and him! Maybe not right now or next week but he would be more likely ro contact you one day if you did that rather than Chase.... Take time for yourself, to have fun and be kind to yourself. And when im feeling cr@p I always come on here and read so many threads and espec peoples replies, i feel tons better and so will you.

 

Here is a post I put up the other day about moving on with some good replies about false hope and things they describe some stuff better then I can hope this helps x

 

Ps I wrote that a few days before he sent that message to me that I've mentioned where he actually apologized to me for everything and said "thank you for loving me so much" He obv still feels something imo.

[rebellefleur]

I'm still just in awe. Seriously, our situations are SO similar. I can't get over the things he has said to you, it sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Everytime i pour my heart out it's the same things your ex said- "I've told you a million times how i feel" or "i have nothing to say." SAME THINGS. and exactly, when i would say something and he wouldn't answer, i would say things like "oh guess you don't care then." It drove me up a wall.

 

And yes, i entirely wish i would have give him time and space when he kept asking for it instead of fighting like an * * * * * * * because i completely believe things maybe would have been different. I swear, i'm almost second guessing if we were dating the same guy. My feelings really are 100% yours, and the situation, the things he has said, the way i'm feeling now, and my regrets...all yours too.

 

I'm incredibly afraid it may be too late for me. I was home for thanksgiving break this week and it just got SO messy and i was just pathetic and crazy. I showed up to his house uninvited and went in to talk to him and he just was not having it. I feel like i have definitely pushed him to a point of not looking back and that's what scares me. It's the worst too because i never intended it to get this way, all i was doing was fighting for him and hoping he would come around, and just waiting and waiting and getting nothing- it makes a girl crazy. I literally felt like i was losing my mind and how complicated and messy things have gotten and the way i've acted, i've proved to him that i'm just clingy and crazy. It's not like i am really or that i mean to be, it's just these situations just frustrate the living hell out of me. Hearing that he doesn't want this or that he doesn't want to be with me, after trying and trying, it's terrible.

 

I'm just insanely scared it's too late because honestly, i've pushed him pretty far. His friends think i'm a bit insane even. But i'm not even trying to look like that, i just loved him so much and wanted to win him back to the point where i became completely desperate.