There's always something positive about break-ups

[s90]

I only had my first real relationship when I was 19-years-old because, since a very early age, I decided that I would only get involved with someone if I was certain that that person was the right one and that the relationship would last. I've never had the kind of curiosity that some people have about relationships, neither physical nor emotionally, because I had made the firm decision that I would give myself to one man and I was and am extremely patient, so the perspective of waiting, even if it was for the rest of my life didn't frighten me, because I would rather spend the rest of my days alone than with someone that would hurt me. Some candidates appeared and all of them were driven away once they knew about this resolution, which I do not blame. This was not by any means a religious decision, since I'm not religious at all, it had something to do with my parent's marriage, which was never perfect and left its scars both in my sister and me.

 

Anyway, when I was 19, just a few months before I turned 20, I met who I thought would be that person. We went out twice and I quickly forgot about my resolution about being careful about people who I didn't know. He seemed perfect in every sense of the word: he was good-looking, outspoken, we had a lot of things in common, he had a good job and he gave the impression that he really liked me. You know: stares, cute texts, compliments. Before I knew it, we were dating. The first few weeks were almost perfect, but I've always felt that there was something wrong. He didn't work late, he always left early in the afternoon because he worked on the morning shift, yet he didn't necessarily showed much enthusiasm about meeting me. We would see each other, maximum three times a week (never on weekends, because I was in college and on weekends I always went back to my hometown, which wasn't far from college, although I always said I would be glad to stay if he wanted to.). Looking back, I know that I should have taken that lack of interest in being with me more seriously, but at the time it made sense. He said it was because of work, because he would always rise early and so he needed the afternoons to rest, which I understood and I never forced him to be with me, he would be the one to choose when we met.

 

He also knew about my old resolution, which was something I wanted to make clear from the start. He was very sexual and took virtually every opportunity he could to introduce sex into the conversation, so I felt it was my obligation to inform him that I had never been with anyone before and wouldn't be with him so intimately as long as I wasn't entirely comfortable with him. He seemed to understand it completely and said that he would wait for me.

 

When he were dating for about a month, he went on vacation with his friends. He asked me if I wanted to go with him, but I thought it was still too early for that, so I ended up staying. He, of course, wasn't too much upset and didn't insist. I can now say that those were the longest two weeks of my life. We would literally spend two and three days without answering the phone or the texts I sent him and then would say that either the battery had died or that he had no reception where he was staying. Since we still weren't in a serious relationship at the time and I could see that his interest wasn't the greatest, I broke up with him in a text. He also took two days to answer it and said that he didn't understand why was I taking that decision. When he came back, we met for coffee and ended up reconciling. He said that he really hadn't meant to ignore me, he just couldn't reach me, that he had missed me and that I was already someone special to him.

 

For the next months (about three), things seemed to be going well, but he still didn't loose the opportunity to bring up sex in conversations. I've never had issues with that kind of conversation, since I don't have any taboo regarding it, and I would even joke with him about it in a open way, but I always stressed that it wasn't something I was ready to do with him and he always seemed to understand.

 

Then, suddenly, he came to me and told me that his boss wanted him to go abroad for three months. We had been dating for four moths and I was already completely in love with him and very close to think that maybe he was really the one who would change my mind about relationships, so it was quite a blow. He said he would try to convince his boss not to send him and, until the week before he was supposed to leave, he let me believe that he would stay, but, of course, he didn't. On the day he was leaving he came to my house (I was sharing an apartment with my sister who wasn't there at the time) and said that he wasn't sure that I would wait for him and that when he came back would probably be with someone else. He pretty much broke my heart when he said that and made me feel guilty, because he made me feel that, maybe, I wasn't showing him how much I really loved him, so, in the end, the last thing I wanted, happened. Of course now I understand that sex is not the only way to show someone that you love them, but I couldn't say that I was experienced at the time. He said it was the ultimate proof and I believed him.

 

In the end he stayed only for a month. Or at least I think he did, because, till this day, I'm not sure if he really went anywhere. I didn't know where he lived, I didn't know any of his friends or anyone he knew, so it was easy for him to stay without the risk of finding me in the street. I started to think something was wrong when he started sending texts at the same time he did when he was here, even though the time difference was of about eight hours (he never called), he didn't mention a word about going abroad on facebook and he never sent me a photograph of him while he was there, nor did he show me any when he came back, which, in the end, was "just" a month after.

 

It was then that things really started to worsen. He said they were changing his shift at work, so we started seeing each other only once a week, on Friday, on the afternoon and it was just for sex. We would talk a bit like we used to before he went away, but I could see that he didn't care so much. When I started to refuse it, our meetings were shorten to once every two weeks. I didn't know what to do, because I loved him and, for me, sex was something intimate to share only with one person and I couldn't imagine myself doing it with someone else. My dream was to marry and to have children, so I thought that if I broke up with him, I would have to be with someone else eventually, so I endured it.

 

When we were about to enter into our 7th month, my mother got sick and, since I was on vacation from college, I stayed home to take care of her and didn't see him for almost a month. He never called nor did he visit me, we only had meaningless talks on facebook and msn. I knew the end was near, but I was still surprised when he broke up with me, on facebook, just a few days before the 8th month, saying that it wasn't my fault, that it was just because of work. I still had my mother to be taken care of, so I didn't let myself go down, but I was in shock and didn't have any strength left to contact him. He was the one to do it. About a week later, when I was about to come back to college. He said he wanted to see me because he didn't feel right about what he had done and wanted to talk about us, to which I agreed, since I didn't really know why he had decided to break up, since work had never been an issue in the previous months.

 

After we met, we went back together. Of course I still loved him, because the last time I had seen him things were still at least normal and, because of what been going on at home, I sometimes found myself forgetting that he had broken up. Two weeks later, a girl started to leave suggestive comments on his facebook, the kind of sexual jokes we had shared early on our relationship. I'm not the type of person that frets over online comments, but because they were so like the ones he had shared with me, I felt something was coming. And, unfortunately I was right. One day my sister, who was also his friend on facebook, called me and informed me that he had just announced on said website that he was on a relationship with another person. He never had changed his status as long as we were dating. At first I didn't believe it, because I hadn't seen anything. When I went to his profile, I found out that he had deleted me and that the girl was the same that had been leaving comments.

 

I think this time was so great that I was left numb. I wouldn't admit to anyone that he had hurt me deeply, I would say that I was ok, that the fact that he had showed his real self had only made things easier for me, but it wasn't true. When I saw his facebook, I sent him a text, insulting him and when he replied, he said that he didn't know what was I talking about, that he loved him and that he didn't have anyone else, even though his new girlfriend had a picture of them kissing in her profile. It was the hardest thing I had to go through and I never had the chance to confront him and ask him why he did what he did and still, to this day, I don't know. He probably only found it interesting to be with a virgin. We never talked again.

 

Now, what can possibly be positive about this experience? For one, it taught me that you can't plan your life, nor can you live in a bubble. People are good and bad and bad people don't usually show their true face because they know their true selves will never be accepted by society. If anything, you should feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, the ability to predict the future is a rare one, so you shouldn't feel guilty for not seeing the signs (but, if you do see them, don't be afraid to act. Like they say, don't give priority to someone who treats you like an option. If someone doesn't love you after 6, 7, 8 months together, then it's very likely that they won't magically fall in love with you in the future.) and, most important of all, don't think that your life will end if that person leaves your life. Don't forget that you used to have a life before and, if anything, the end is just the perfect opportunity to get rid of a life that wasn't good for you (as ending relationships tend to) and start fresh from the beginning.

 

This relationship changed my life, but I try not to let it dominate it. Now I'm in a new relationship, something that I thought I would never do again, with a man that is turning out to be everything I've always wanted. I know that I would never be with him if I hadn't learned with the mistakes I made in this first relationship, because it has taught me see people beyond what they appear to be and that works as well for the worst as it does for the best.