Need to move on- need your help

[blueberrynight]

* sorry about the long post*

 

I had a very tumultuous relationship with my parents. It has haunted me my whole life; even now , when my dad is dead and my mother is polite and nice enough to me. I just cant seem to get rid of all those feelings. I left home 10 years back and for a few years,, i was enjoying me new freedom and i did not realize the effect of all that happened to me in my parents home(there were subtle things like my extremely low self esteem, confidence and body image issues, confused identity etc.) but as i grow older the memories haunt me more than ever. I have nightmares. I feel scared of things, of social situations of talking to people. I cry when i see someone shouting even mildly at a child. Somedays i am so scared and depressed i feel unable to get out of the bed. the self critic inside my head keeps talking constantly, without a break and makes me feel so tired even when i supposedly resting on a couch.

 

I am mentioning a few incidents from my childhood here to give you a perspective. both my parents were very abusive to me, and hated me till like 5 years ago. that is when i got a stellar job and bought them an apartment as they had no money. they suddenly they were saying good things about me to people , but with me they were little less abusive but equally cold. In my memories my father is a monster. he died a couple of years ago, and now my mother is alone. i call her everyday to make sure she doesnt feel lonely. but most of the time i end up feeling bad about the call, she makes me feel miserable. so my question is : after all this , is it time to let go? is it time to break all connections with her, coz seriously I am not able to take it anymore, i am tired and i dont see a chance of healing if i dont get away forever and completely.

 

also I feel a little guilty about leaving her alone, although she has her son , my brother , who is the apple of her eye. and also i feel like i love her so , ii keep expecting someday she will love me back. i know al this is a strange mix of feelings , but i am trying to be completely transparent here. (please also remember, that i am from India, so expect some cultural differences)

 

to give you some idea of my childhood i write below a few inceidents that i remember:

 

-- I was not allowed to talk to boys in school. however in my high school, i started talking to them - my classmates. sometimes the would call to ask me about some homework or similar stuff or some other thing. my parents hated that. every time i would get a call from a boy, they would insult me asking me who is it and why is he calling and several similar questions. They would often discuss with each other that i have a bad character, i talk with random boys and have cheap sleazy friends. these discussions would often be within my earshot. it was their favourite passtime, * * * * * ing about me and that too within my hearing range.

 

--Dad hated my long shower times. He would stand outside the door and it if was more than 5 minutes, he would scold me as soon as i came out. i was always so scared in the shower and sometimes i still am. Unfortunately very often, no matter how hard i tried, i used to cross the 5 min limit. I even asked him that why doesnt he shower first so that he doesnt get delayed for his work if i cross the 5 min limit , but he never agreed to that, he liked critisizing me . i think it gave him some sense of thrill , because generally he was not doing well in his job or even socially.

 

-- he would talk * * * * about me to other people, relatives , everyone who would care to listen. I was just not good enough. (BTW i was a top student, secured first rank in my class throughout school , won the best overall student award every year in school, won district level debate, essay etc. championships) , but i was just not gud enough. he wanted even better grades, smarter essays and he wanted me to do house work. From the age of 14 this was a big issue, why dont i wash utensils, why dont i cook (I used to wash an diron my own clothes though and also clean and organise my clothes and my other stuff)

 

-- When I did something wrong, he would hit me with his shoes or slippers. he would ask my brother to bring the shoe which has the most dirt on its sole and then he would hit me with that.

-- I won the national merit schlorship, which is a big deal. every year just 200 students in each age category get this award. i remember him telling a friend just before the last round of the competition that i am too dumb to get into something like that . i remember my mother telling it to the whole group of family friends we knew.

 

-- my parents used to fight a lot, i always supported my mother coz i thought at a certain level she was victimised too. I used to get so angry seeing them fight and shout at him and told him not to hit my mother. then he would hit me. When he came back in the evening my mother was really nice and polite to hime and request him to forgive her(irrespective of whose mistake it was) and then all his anger would be directed towards me.

-- my brother and I were both good students and we used to get 1st ranks in our respective classes in school each year. Every year they would buy him a good gift like a videogame, electronic piano etc. to celebrate. i used to get a pack of good biscuits or a box of ice crem if i am lucky.

 

-- at one point in higgh school , i just had one uniform for school. i asked them to buy me another one as it was difficult to wear the same on 6 days a week. ofcourse they didnt buy me that, but on top of that i was scolded for being materialistic and greedy.

 

-- Once a guy started bullying me on my way back home from school. it started happening everyday. once day i decided i would take no more and shouted back at him that if he bullies me anymore i will tell my parents and the police. He was a bit scared. then i went home and told all this. I was scolded badly , his argument was - i must have done something to dserve bullying. smart people dont get bullied, losers like me get bullied, so its all my fault.

 

-- On the morning of my first job interview (during my university days) , i called them i was expecting - a "goodluck" or "all the best" from them. but my mother , all she said was, she doesnt think i am smart enough to get the job.

 

There are hundreds of these incidents ....

 

anyways, i am tired of all these memories and i want a way out.

[BrianH46]

Oh my god what you went through is absolutely horrible! Yes you should cut off contact with your mother, if not forever than at the very least for a long time. It seems obvious to me that you lived your entire life working so hard to earn recognition from your parents but it's about time you live for yourself. Btw your accomplishments are amazing!