Setting the pace of reestablished contact

[Humbert]

NOTE: I begin here a new thread different from my first for (1) I cannot find the old one and (2) I consider this topic sufficiently dissimilar and with wider-reaching implications for others, perhaps. If I am wrong you have my utmost regret and I will happily concede this to be merged with the old. Now on with the show...

 

Q: How ought one to set the pace of communication once contact has been reestablished?

 

 

A few pivotal months passed without contacting my ex-girlfriend (I was abroad, traveling, working, studying and indulging in the single life ). Recently and quite accidentally I began stumbling into her life, as is expected when she lives with your best friends, and your social circles are the same. I am a welcome guest in her apartment and at her dinner table; and though we've spoken one-on-one we've always been around our friends. Breadcrumbs abound. Our interactions/hangouts have been friendly, even flirty (if I didn't know better), and it's been mostly her initiating and the only sentence I can recall saying to her unprovoked was, "Isn't that my shirt?"

 

I do not wish to scare her off. And I know that while awaiting my return from abroad, she would that I "try to be her friend again first" instead of swiftly trying to woo her. It has been my intention not to salvage a sunken ship but to build one anew, and to that end I am happy to oblige her (we were, after all, best friends before lovers, and she only dates her friends). Yet I cannot help but feel that some kind of serious conversation is necessary.

 

There remains a number of crucial misunderstandings unresolved, and they are very much the plinth of our break-up and the key to whether she can see herself with me again. More importantly, it feels awfully dishonest to look past the elephant in the room when these are misunderstandings about the type of persons we are; and I do not wish for her to continue to perceive me falsely and unfavorably.

 

That conversation seems inevitably to lead to the "Let's try again" one. Of course I wouldn't dare say then and there, "Be with me now" ; if anything, I'd like to suggest that we become reacquainted, and see where we can go. I have been going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not it's too soon to have this conversation, and I'd like to read your thoughts.

 

More generally: what are the pitfalls to avoid or things to consider so as not to jeopardize these fragile stages?

 

 

 

Granted I will not wait around for Christmas to come early, but have taken it upon myself to strive for what I want. I am disposed to this, congenitally—for I would not be alive had my father not pursued relentlessly my rejecting mother!

[winniethepooh]

Yet I cannot help but feel that some kind of serious conversation is necessary.

If you feel that, then yes it is, unless your feelings change ... and ... she doesn't think it's necessary.

 

There remains a number of crucial misunderstandings unresolved, and they are very much the plinth of our break-up and the key to whether she can see herself with me again. More importantly, it feels awfully dishonest to look past the elephant in the room when these are misunderstandings about the type of persons we are; and I do not wish for her to continue to perceive me falsely and unfavorably.

 

That conversation seems inevitably to lead to the "Let's try again" one.

Unresolved for you or her or both?

 

Yes, eventually, I would expect the "Let's try again" issue has to be faced.

 

Maybe pick one of those misunderstandings and bring it up at a suitable time to see how a discussion progresses. Try and choose an easily resolvable misunderstanding, not the biggest one. Be ready to back off very quickly if she shows any signs of being uncomfortable with the discussion.

 

One key question here is what does she think? Since you can't read her mind, one way to find out is to ask her. But ... depending on how she feels, just by asking might affect the outcome.

 

You're not saying much about your perception of her feelings and thoughts. Do you have any idea?

 

This is going in one of two directions at present. Towards a non-romantic friendship, or towards reconciliation. Are you clear about which one you want? And how will you cope if it goes in the other direction?

 

I don't have any idea how she feels, and I don't get much of a sense of how you feel, or how you felt at the time of the break-up. Or how you broke up. I think those are significant factors in determining how you proceed from here.

 

Focus on patience, listening to her, and being clear.

 

If you're in a position where playing the dating game is what's going on, then tread warily, lest you mess your head up, or hers, or both. And really try hard to determine if she is playing a game you don't want to play.

[SpottiOtti]

I think it depends on the seriousness of the "misunderstandings" about your character. Did they contribute significantly to the breakup?

 

If so, I would pick a moment when the two of you feel very close. You know what I mean? Pick your moment. Then say, "You know, Alice, I have always regretted that xyz went down between us and made you believe I was _____ sort of guy."

 

If not, I would just take the time, and show her with your actions what your true character is.

[Doofus]

Seems like Mrs. Darcy ought to weigh in. According to what I know, she has some experience with overcoming misunderstandings about her beloved's character

 

Seriously, if you continue to be around her this much that conversation is going to happen naturally. It's better that it does. I wouldn't push it.

[Humbert]

I thought I'd leave things vague for brevity's sake, but I'll indulge some detail for clarity's sake.

 

She left me over a misunderstanding of what I expected of her. Admittedly there were aspects of my personality that came off rather sourly—temperamental, mostly—but she had built up in her mind an exaggerated and altogether false perception of me and my "demands." Following the break-up was a hodgepodge of mixed messages. Everything from "We'll try again when you return from abroad" to "I'll never be with you again." Through it all the basic objection or misgiving has been the issue of expectations.

 

Prior to cutting off contact and leaving the country I tried several times to reason with her, to clarify that misunderstanding; but the poor timing (too immediate), my demeanor (too desperate) and my tone (too confrontational) pushed her away. Nor do I think I articulated my case very clearly. Yet I have had much time to think, heal and broaden my perspective; and she has had time to simmer down.

 

This much I do know: She is very easily put off when it comes to emotional matters or disputes. She once described her feelings for me after the break-up like those of an old married couple whose fire had burned out. And she will never (even if she wanted to) initiate anything: if I want to talk, I'll have to talk; if I want her back, I'll have to win her back.

 

And this I am okay with. I have reached a point where I am sufficiently secure in my self to know precisely what I want and would take the risk to claim it. My only concern is that these last few months have been very gainful—for me and for potential reconciliation—and I do not want to f— it up so soon.

 

As I said, I don't intend to ask straightaway for a relationship, but instead to put the past entirely behind us and build something new. The dilemma: this misunderstanding may hover like a black cloud over us and color her perception of me; but a serious chat may make more awkward an already tenuous relation.

[Humbert]

One more thing I'd like to add, which I mentioned in my old thread, but which seems more relevant now—

 

I said she lives with my best friends. One of her roommates once told me that my ex "doesn't seem interested in a relationship with you unless you've changed." Change referring, of course, to those parts of me about which she has a false perception.

 

So yes, I would like very much to rectify as soon as possible this misunderstanding to mitigate her unfavorable impression of me—and hopefully before other potential suitors show up (Note: they wouldn't be merely "rebounds" at this point; it's been several months). But I still do not want to make her feel uncomfortable.

[winniethepooh]

Prior to cutting off contact and leaving the country I tried several times to reason with her, to clarify that misunderstanding; but the poor timing (too immediate), my demeanor (too desperate) and my tone (too confrontational) pushed her away. Nor do I think I articulated my case very clearly. Yet I have had much time to think, heal and broaden my perspective; and she has had time to simmer down.

I have similar feelings about my behavior with respect to my my recent ex

 

This much I do know: She is very easily put off when it comes to emotional matters or disputes. She once described her feelings for me after the break-up like those of an old married couple whose fire had burned out. And she will never (even if she wanted to) initiate anything: if I want to talk, I'll have to talk; if I want her back, I'll have to win her back.

What a thing for her to say. So her fire has burned out already? Has yours?

 

See, this kind of thing sets you up for an imbalance. To find balance, either you have to adjust to her, she to you, or both of you to each other. You can treat her with kid gloves and bottle up your emotions (or find some sort of passion to burn them up - try boxing for example), or you and her can together figure out a way to deal with emotional matters and disputes. What does she do when she's emotional, or has a disagreement with you?

 

And this I am okay with. I have reached a point where I am sufficiently secure in my self to know precisely what I want and would take the risk to claim it. My only concern is that these last few months have been very gainful—for me and for potential reconciliation—and I do not want to f— it up so soon.

But are you ok with f—ing it up again later on? Because there's a good chance of that happening. Everything you've written indicates you've worked on yourself, figured out your problems, and are ready to try again. Nothing you've written indicates she's changed, or even wants to try again.

 

The dilemma: this misunderstanding may hover like a black cloud over us and color her perception of me; but a serious chat may make more awkward an already tenuous relation.

Yes, exactly. So you have three choices.

 

1. Woo her again and tread more carefully this time. But you're not perfect, sooner or later you will make an error, especially if she is testing you. Will she walk again? You can reduce the risk of this by learning methods of keeping women attracted to you. Plenty of books, websites, people will give you all the information you want.

 

2. Ignore the misunderstanding, and keep going the way you and her are going. But it sounds like then it's headed in the direction of friendship.

 

3. Find a way to deal with the misunderstanding, and also how you and her will deal with misunderstandings and emotional matters in the future, that you are both comfortable with. Like I said, perhaps try to find a minor misunderstanding to discuss first and see how that goes.

 

Actually, you have another option. Leave her alone.

 

I'm getting a bad feeling about this. As in I'm wondering if she's playing you. Does that sound completely off? I hope so, for your sake.

 

we were, after all, best friends before lovers, and she only dates her friends

If you were best friends, then surely you had a good enough connection to resolve disagreements amicably? Of course, the feelings and dynamics of a relationship change when it goes from friendship to romantic.

[winniethepooh]

Oops, double post Deleted.