dark angel9 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and living together for 2. I would say that everything in our relationship is perfect except for the sex. He is very affectionate and cuddly and has even told me that he prefers cuddling to sex. We normally have sex twice a week. I talked to him about wanting more sex 3 times already and after the talks he would increase the frequency to 5 times a week or so and then it would naturally fall back to same old. I straight out asked him if he is not physically attracted to me and he denied it. He does make small comments here and there; about how our relationship is not primarily based on passion. Latest comment was that when he was single, he used to watch porn all the time and how he got used to women having perfect bodies in porn so he finds it hard to get turned on by a real woman (meaning me). He seems otherwise 100% committed. We are making long term plans and he talks about marriage. He also treats me like a queen in other ways except for the sex. Thoughts? Link to comment
woodsrose10 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 I straight out asked him if he is not physically attracted to me and he denied it. He does make small comments here and there; about how our relationship is not primarily based on passion. Latest comment was that when he was single, he used to watch porn all the time and how he got used to women having perfect bodies in porn so he finds it hard to get turned on by a real woman (meaning me). I once read, "Even if a guy was sleeping with the hottest woman on the planet, he would still look at porn." Be that as it may, to say something like this to you was a cruel thing to do. You should dump him and tell him he can continue to be with his lovely porn for the rest of his life. Link to comment
22n32 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 one of my exes was like this.. i wanted sex everyday.. for the bonding, love and physcial part just makes everything better.. haha but she was happy with it. twice a week she just had low libido sex wasnt that important to her.. this brought me alot of frustration and resentment.. it def put a rift between us.. but she was closed off so i couldnt commuincate with her on it.. i suggest talking about it.. and both of u will have to compromise.. if u cant then you guys just arent sexualy compatible and maybe finding someone who is.. i know i was alot happier when my new gf wanted sex everyday because her views on it were the same as mine.. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 about how our relationship is not primarily based on passion. While that is certainly true when it comes down to it, if there is no passion at the start of a relationship then there will never be passion. Passion is something that usually starts very high then ebbs and flows over time. You cannot start with no passion and expect a river to form, it doesn't happen. These things do not grow with time. His comment about porn was heartless and on top of that a bunch of bull crap. The fact is he just doesn't have the sense of intimacy or emotional attachment to be passionate with a woman. He masturbates to porn because you don't need passion, it's absolutely disconnected from reality. We normally have sex twice a week. I talked to him about wanting more sex 3 times already and after the talks he would increase the frequency to 5 times a week or so and then it would naturally fall back to same old. You need to face the fact that this is not a person that is sexually compatible with you. If he had it his way he probably would go months without sex with you, if not longer. It's not something he wants on his plate, he doesn't need it. You do. Over time this is going to get worse, not better. Eventually you'll be begging to have sex with this man. At this point you need to make a decision whether you can cope with having a passion-free, mostly sexless relationship with this man. If you can great, if not then if you stay with him it's going to lead you down a road of frustration and neediness. You've talked to him about it, this is not something easily changed either for you or for him. Asking him to "be passionate" is the same thing as someone asking you to turn off your sex drive and your need for passion. It isn't going to happen. Link to comment
woodsrose10 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 if there is no passion at the start of a relationship then there will never be passion. Passion is something that usually starts very high then ebbs and flows over time. You cannot start with no passion and expect a river to form, it doesn't happen. These things do not grow with time. He masturbates to porn because you don't need passion, it's absolutely disconnected from reality. Both of these statements are 100% true. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 Perhaps I should just stop talking about sex and initiating sex completely. At night, I will just roll over and tell him "good night". See what he does then. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Perhaps I should just stop talking about sex and initiating sex completely. At night, I will just roll over and tell him "good night". See what he does then. I don't think reverse psychology is going to work here. This isn't a case of him withholding sex from you, this is a case of him not WANTING sex with you. Not on the same frequency that you desire it. The only option there usually is in these situations is to either compromise or to end the relationship. Compromise is very hard in these situations...if it's a large gap (such as what you're experiencing with him) it can be downright impossible without both people feeling like they're giving/bending more than they should be. I'm not saying it cannot be done but you're never going to get him to see sex and intimacy the same way you do. It will not happen. This is a situation most people in the dating world have had to deal with at one time or another and it usually is a deal breaker since the compromise in this area isn't something that is easily met or maintained. Like you said, he will try to be more passionate for a few weeks or even a month then revert back to exactly the way he is. Link to comment
cm17 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Is he on any meds that could effect his libido? I was in a relationship where this was an issue, and found out meds were mostly to blame. Otherwise there is no clear cut answer to the problem, I think its harsh to say that you should dump him simply because of this issue. Though, it was quite stupid of him to make the comment about women's bodies. People often say the wrong thing though, and its possible that he was being defensive, sexual performance can be an especially sensitive topic to many people (especially men!). I also do think it is possible to build passion, depending on the connection between two people. If sexual desire is there at all, so is passion. Good luck! Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 I don't think it will make him want sex. However, I do not think that he would go months without sex with me if he had it his way. He actually talked about married couples where woman decided to stop having sex all together and said how if I did it with him, he would not be able to deal with it. Things are not as black and white. I do not believe that he feels NO passion for me. I just believe that he feels LOW passion for whatever reason. Perhaps his libido is naturally low, perhaps I just don't do it for him. Former I would be able to deal with. Latter is what I worry about but he would never admit to it. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 I just want to add that when we were dating, we had sex every time we saw each other (sometimes 3 times per night). It's just since moving in together 2 months ago that the frequency has been low. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Has he been stressed lately? I went through a period of time with my bf where i didnt even want to think about sex. We went from having sex almost everyday, to not once in 2 1/2 months. During that time though, i was going through a rough period. I didnt like myself, thought i was fat, and was really down on myself with everything. It caused alot of stress and i just didnt want to deal with sex. Maybe this has nothing to do with sex or his attraction level to you? It could be more psychological. Link to comment
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