Ex Boyfriend wants to be friends

[Guitarandheart]

Long story short...

 

My ex broke up with me after 2 years of being in a relationship. His reason being, he was scared of commitment...

 

I tried to talk him out of it, but he'd already made up his mind.

 

He said he wants to be friends, and I said ok.

 

But is this a good idea? Considering I'm still well and truly in love with him and I want to try and get him back.

 

It has been about a month since we split.

[HoliPoli]

IDK. I would say make him suffer and miss you. I personally think that when someone uses "scared of commitment" it means something else altogether. You don't stay with someone 2 years then say that. It's more than likely an excuse. Hang back and view your situation in a third person for a bit. You two can be friends any day of the year, but make sure you're mentally taken care of first before you become the shoulder to cry on or worse.

[pl3asehelp]

No. Not a good idea at all. He's been clear the relationship is over. You want it to continue. So instead of actually being friends, you will be pretending to be his friend while you try to regain your former status as his girlfriend. This is in neither of your best interests. You are wasting your time with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you.

[Deciduous]

Hi Guitarandheart,

 

Friendship like these are always very damaging.

 

You provide transitional therapy, while they get back on their feet with you as a buffer against lonely evenings. There's no need to come to terms with their loss because you have offered to temporary step in to fill the breach. No commitment, yet all the loving companionship they could want.

 

And what do you get? Heartbreak and hope, in unequal measures. Each time they get on the phone, your heart lifts, then plunges, when you realise that they have no plans for a return. A new relationship will not grow out of this friendship. It never does. The dynamics are not on your side. You're hoping and wishing, whilst his working out his future options. If that doesn't sound pretty, it's because it isn't.

 

If he had changed his mind, he would have stated that and not asked for friendship. Instead he asks if you can hold his hand, whilst he goes out into the big bad world. He asks if you will be waiting with biscuits and cocoa on the bad days. Yet who will be watching out for you. Unfortunately he will not be providing the same service. This is about him. It's one-way. It's about catering to his needs, whilst ignoring yours.

 

In your heart of hearts, you know that you're in no shape for friendship. You are still grieving. This period needs to be about you and you alone. You've had your heart broken and you won't mend it, by asking the very culprit to trip indulgently through your life on a weekly basis.

 

Best buddies chat about allsorts, about life and loves. How will you feel if he wants to discuss a new crush? His new life, friends, etc.

 

Sure, in the meanwhile, you get minute relief everytime he rings. The moment you put it down, you're back to square one. The pain is still there. He has not come back.

 

Right now, he doesn't deserve your friendship. This is not what you want.

 

He didn't need the "cow," so he can say bye-bye to the milk. You have your own healing journey to embark on. Right now you are busy, you have your own life to sort out, and biscuits and cocoa are off the menu.

 

 

Deci

 

Deci

[Guitarandheart]

Just to add... When we broke up, he said there is a chance that we might get back together in the future... When he's in a better place to commit to me... Is that a hope I should be clinging on to?

[pl3asehelp]

Just to add... When we broke up, he said there is a chance that we might get back together in the future... When he's in a better place to commit to me... Is that a hope I should be clinging on to?

 

Most definitely not.

[HoliPoli]

Don't let him decide anything for you. In the future you will decide if you want to get back together if he comes knocking, not the other way around, Your not his property.

[winniethepooh]

But is this a good idea? Considering I'm still well and truly in love with him and I want to try and get him back.

No, especially because of the reason you gave.

 

After a month he is either healed or not.

 

If he is, then he just wants to be friends and maybe genuinely means that. You don't, and you're not healed if you're still in love with him, so the friendship will be imbalanced right from the start and you will suffer.

 

If he is not healed, then he is either playing games, or trying to use you to help himself heal. Either way, he will drain you of what little energy you have, and that will just prolong your pain and emotional healing.

 

It won't work to get him back. Read hundreds of posts on here from people who tried. If you're not convinced, ask him why he wants to be friends already and not let you heal, and post his reply here.

[winniethepooh]

Just to add... When we broke up, he said there is a chance that we might get back together in the future... When he's in a better place to commit to me... Is that a hope I should be clinging on to?

Is he a prophet? He's trying to make you feel better, but doesn't realise this makes you feel worse. Especially by saying when he's in a better place to commit - that's an insult to you.

 

Some couples get back together, some (or most) don't. As long as you're hoping for that to happen, it probably won't. So no, don't cling on to that hope.

 

If you can't get rid of that hope, use it to drive you to do something useful and productive - for you.