Should I or Shouldn't I

[Kibit]

I posted a little over a week ago about my Ex dumping me and leaving to return to his home 5 states away. So, I won't go into that again. We broke up about 10 days ago after a very heated argument. We had been in this LDR about 9 months until he decided to move here.

 

I've wrestled with the emotions everyone else has been feeling on these forums, pain, anger, frustration, confusion, helplessness, etc.. I've looked over the situation with a fine-tooth comb and found mistakes I made, take responsibility for them, and realize this was not totally my fault. I did send clothes he left here via mail, no note, etc. We've not talked.

 

I've learned, unfortunately, that two days after he returned home, which was just last week, he is back in a relationship with the girlfriend he had before me. He was with her for about four months before he dumped her and I did know him at the time so was completely privy to all their issues. The kicker is that, as he told me, this girl treated him like *hit. Not only that, but she is 7 months pregnant, and no it's not his.

 

I did not beg, nor plead with him to stay and work things out. He treated me very coldly when he left, and I was the 'mature' one about the whole thing, wished him well, blah blah blah. Should I or shouldn't I send him an email telling him that I understand now why he acted so coldly, and that I was the freaking fool in this whole thing? Parts of me think I'll feel better -- other parts of me after reading through these forums tell me not to, it's a waste of time. Sometimes though it seems you just gotta say what you need to do be done with it all.

 

Thoughts?

[FrenchFries]

Don't do it!

[Kibit]

Need to know some reason why I shouldn't. Right now I want to do it not for HIM but for me. I want to close that painful door and feel like if I do it will close it for me.

[loulou37]

Don't do it, walk away and be the better person...if he said she treated him like * * * * , she'll do it again...it's doomed from the start also she pregnant to another guy, even more problems on the horizon.

 

let Karma take care of things.

 

think of it this way....he lost you, not you lost him.

 

loulou x

[Kibit]

Thanks loulou -- and yeah he lost me, but he's the one that broke up with me, not the other way around.

 

It's not a matter of me trying to win him back or anything like that. It's a matter of me saying what I feel needs to be said I guess. Yes I do still care about him, god knows why, especially after this recent turn of events, good grief going back to someone in less than 4 days and is having a child that isn't his makes absolute NO sense to me, but whatever. We didn't have much closure when he left at all and I felt totally responsible for the breakup -- now though I don't. To me at this moment, I just feel as though once I take action in letting him know (whether he cares or not) that I obviously was the idiot in all this but can now move on, I feel like maybe I actually can now.

 

Make any sense?

[loulou37]

my ex broke up with me too but i just think...why am i sitting around thinking i'm the one that lost him, he lost me, he's lost out on all my love and affection, i won't be holding him close, stroking his hair, he'll no longer be getting my lovely soft kisses n he won't be able to make love to ME any more, i'm the prize not him.

 

If you feel like sending the e-mail then do it, if it will make you feel better....then...leave it and move on, last e-mail.

 

love loulou x

[northpickle]

Hey Kibit

 

Sorry you're going through this - why don't you try writing down here what you feel you need to say to him. Sometimes just writing it down helps, without necessarily sending the letter / email to him. Also, think about how you would feel if he responded and would you be able to deal with any reply he would send, or even if he didn't reply at all?

 

You're being very strong, I admire you

[DylanNotorious]

No don't do it. You may think part of why he left was because you were an idiot, but you don't know for sure. So even tho you want to tell him you were an idiot (or however you want to word it) I don't think it will make much difference to him.

 

Just realize where you went wrong, process it, and then don't take that idiot part with you to the next relationship. I wouldn't be telling your ex anything.

[Kibit]

thanks both of you -- and if he did or didn't respond wouldn't matter frankly. I'm not attempting to get any response actually. I just want to say that now I understand why he was so cold....now I understand why I was a bit too distant as I felt something wasn't quite right. I want to say that I'm sorry I ever trusted and believed in him and how disgustingly stupid I was to waste my energy, time and love. However, in closing, I hope that he and his expectant girlfriend are happy together and that the child receives all the love in the world that it deserves. Too, that I know without a doubt, it's not me that lost out, it's him. I learned from my mistakes, take full responsibility for that and god knows I hope I'm wise enough if I ever get the opportunity to have a relationship again I won't make those same mistakes.

 

As you can both tell, I'm really angry at the moment -- not at him, but at myself.

[Kibit]

Hey dylan, no I don't really believe he left because I was an idiot. I believe I'm the idiot that trusted and believed in him so much. And yes, I'm sure what I'd have to say makes no difference to him whatsoever. That's not what I'm after. I'm after me standing up for myself, seeing the truth for what it really is, and saying that I fully understand that I had the rose-colored glasses on, but that ain't gonna happen again (hopefully.)

[Kibit]

It's strange really. I typed up an email and edited it more times than I care to admit, and no I haven't sent it 'yet.' The odd thing to me now is, today is really the first time I actually laughed at 'myself' for being so blind and stupid. I seriously have been laughing over this new development in his life and mine. Isn't that just strange. I keep saying and giggling to myself, "geez, you've been so DUMB." And I realize that his actions have said more to me than anything else. I'm getting finally to the point that if someone I cared for so deeply can turnaround in 3 days to pick up with his Ex pregnant girlfriend that isn't even his child, then I have duly been fooled and what an interesting road he's about to head on.

 

What a waste of time I put into the relationship, albeit I did learn a few really good points about myself, and what a total waste of time that I could have been focusing on something more positive in my life, be that a relationship or a dog, or whatever. Hopefully at some point I can put down my own 2x4 and stop beating myself up -- but this beating I'm giving myself is mostly with laughter. Is that weird? And I hope I'm not headed for more pain that I've been suffering from this.

[mannaguy]

It sounds to me that you've handled this pretty maturely and he has gone back into some sort of chaos.

Im kind of expecting my ex to do something similar as she told me she had before and when I met her she was basically running between 3 married men( I wasnt)...

maybe this time she wont-I dont even know if I would find out-I doubt it-we dont have the same circle of friends fortunately...

 

keep writing but dont send-that seems to be the prevailing message around here!

 

M

[Kibit]

Thanks mannnaguy, I do hope things work out for you. It's a shocker to me that someone I believed in so much, would run back home and put themselves in such a precarious position. Unfortunately, but then again perhaps not, I learned of this situation and was immediately shocked that he could run back into the arms of a pregnant girl he was involved with for a mere 4 months, and only after a few days from dumping me. More than that I guess, that he could feel such little self-worth or maturity to put himself in a position that no doubt will bring rough waters for him, the girl, and sadly the baby.

 

As for me, the 2x4 I keep pounding myself with the, if only's or the shoulda, coulda, would haves have now seemed to stop and I'm focusing more on how truly silly I was to fall for this type of person. I guess we all lose ourselves sometimes when we forget who we are and what we long for. What we are all searching for is something, I think anyway, we've lost sight of, and that's what in our own hearts and minds. We can't find something out there that will ever be as true, loyal and dedicated to what we are inside of us. As wonderful as first love can be -- it's important now to remember not to lose ourselves. There are teachers and students in our lives, and my teacher (being him) showed me with a ruler that I had lost myself. How silly was I?

[Kibit]

and one more thing... to your response mannaguy, I have not decided yet whether to send this email or not. I'm still waffling on it. I know these forums talk about no contact and the like, and have heard to write down anger, hurt, etc. etc. but never send it. Sometimes I think though we just gotta do what we gotta do so I'm at a crossroads on that.

[Kibit]

Thanks....and yes I know being impulsive while angry can and does bite one in the butt. I have been totally angry not at "him" but more at myself for being the 'Nice, mature' person in this whole situation. Having found out, unsolicited I might add, about him returning to a previous pregnant girlfriend less than a couple of days of breaking up with me, totally blew me away. I felt like a complete idiot for 'being the bigger' person to someone like that. Fortunately for me, we live several states apart and I do not have to see him like so many others here have to face on a daily basis. However, it's just a nagging gut feeling that I want to close that door, or rather 'slam' that door for my own benefit, not his. I have not sent the email and will more than likely hold off until I can press that send button with absolutely 'no anger' at myself or him. Perhaps though, like you, I might get to a point where it isn't worth it. The email again is not intended for his benefit, but for my own. Honestly don't know if that makes any sense or not.

[Kibit]

LOL what would Rocky Balboa say -- that was great.

 

And yes, I'm still wrestling with that email. But I'm also finding that it is somehow helping me to regain back my sense of worth. We all feel at some point in a BU that we weren't 'good enough' or whatever. So maybe after I'm done editing it, which I'm not, I'll just send it to myself, not him. I hope I get to the same point that you are in thinking, 'pffft, not worth it'.....