Venting and confused...

[misssmithviii]

All my life so far, I've wondered if my father really loved me or not. One minute I was sure that he did, and the next I was sure that he didn't. Between the physical abuse which was barely less than the verbal abuse, all the expensive gifts and funding for anything I wanted financially - I became quite a mess.

 

Growing up, he never listened to my feelings. He believed feelings were bull poop (hope I can say that; but as you can imagine it wasn't the censored phrase)... he believed that love was supporting someone, giving them what they needed in terms of financial help and/or objects - but emotionally he was (is) a wasteland.

 

This opened my eyes into why I am the way I am, why I value emotions so strongly... why I feel the need to be HEARD, not just listened to, by the people that I care about and who claim to care about me. I'm very sensitive when I feel like someone close, isn't listening or paying attention to me... probably because I've had a lifetime of my only parent ignoring me.

 

Just a few days ago, my dad hit me with his truth, he said, "I believe I am guilty of nothing as long as I didn't intend to do it. My truth is the way it is... I'm old enough, I know. Nobody else's truth matters to me." He made this big argument about how the law sees it that way (which I argued like crazy with) and how "God sees what's inside your heart and that's all that matters." That argument I left alone because arguing about religion with my dad is like smacking your head with a brick >.

 

I asked, "So if you killed somebody but didn't intend to - you're not responsible for your actions?" His reply was so coldly, "Nope."

I told him, "So if you hurt people, and push them away - that doesn't bother you at all?" Once again, "Nope."

 

I was shocked... my boyfriend was standing right there, quiet and still. I told my dad, "You do realize there's something wrong with saying you care about somebody but you don't care about their feelings at all, right?" And of course again, "Nope. I NEVER intend to hurt people's feelings, but if I do then tough. That's their problem not mine."

 

He followed that up with, "I could care less about your feelings. I never mean to hurt them, but if I do so what? You deal with it. I'll never apologize to somebody for hurting them."

 

Now I see why my mom left him... why every student he has says, "He's a smart professor, but just the meanest and most proud man I've ever met."

 

Now, my dad's a VERY blunt man who says things that are not only hurtful but irrelevant most of the time. He seems to enjoy "controlling" people with his rudeness, if that makes sense - at least in the classroom. He's very disrespectful, but doesn't care. He's 58, has pushed every woman he's ever loved out of his life and even his children. I'm his only daughter that still associates with him.

 

Perhaps out of pity... Idk. A part of me feels like as sick as he is, it's his "interpretation" of how to love... who am I to condemn him for it, right?

 

So Idk... I was really just hoping to bounce this off of other people.

So what do you guys and gals think about my father's views? Do you agree? Disagree? Why?

[dan10]

i dont mean to make you mad by this but i would absolutely love to meet your dad and have a conversation with him. i see many parallels between him and i and a few things we would knock heads with but the personality is similar. if your dad is as smart as you make him sound then you're right. arguing with him will get you nowhere. however there is another alternative. make him argue with himself. no one can blow off their own thoughts and ideas as just people saying stupid things. so if he comes up with a counterargument to his first argument you just won the argument.

 

now getting back to this problem with your feelings. you are not going to get the love and affection that you needed and should have gotten from your father. i'm sorry but thats just the way it is. and you seem to know this. i think that over time you will be able to let it go more and become happier as your life moves on. but any time you start thinking about how you wanted his love and stuff and didnt get it you will be more sad about it. so just try to keep it out of your mind.

 

however while its in there you might as well have some fun with it. oh man i really wish i could be there with you for this but turn your dad's words and his "truth" against him.

 

if i'm guilty of nothing unless i intended to do it, then when i die i'm going to walk strait up to god and say "hey you, i didnt intend to die so i'm not guilty of dieing. send me back" which obviously wont work. here's my favorite part though... if "god sees what's inside your heart and that's all that matters" then isnt it going to be a sad sad day in your father's existence when he walks up to the pearly gates, god looks at him and sees that his heart is full of stubbornness and coldness towards his fellow man, then looks at him and says "i said love thy neighbor" plus if love means providing for someone financially and giving them stuff then how exactly does your dad plan on loving god? last time i checked god has all the money he/she/it needs and god doesnt need any stuff either because god can just make whatever god wants.

 

use his quotes spell out how he is doing the opposite of what he thinks he's doing and end the conversation with "so... how exactly were you planning on getting into heaven?" then walk away. there is no reason to continue at that point. everything else needs to happen in his head. and with a lot of luck your dad's words turned against him may help him realize how he is and that he needs to change. if not then he is at a point in his life where you cant force him to realize the truth. he has to do it on his own.

 

take care of you and your needs first. then worry about your dad. at this point the only thing you owe your dad is to make sure he makes it in the ground. you dont have an obligation to visit with him, to talk with him, to even have contact with him. just know when he dies and make sure he is in the ground and your duty to him is fulfilled.

dont kill yourself worrying about someone who couldn't care less that you are worrying in the first place

[misssmithviii]

Thank you for your response ^_^ I rather enjoyed your counterarguments against my dad's thinking. While he's extremely intelligent, he's also borderline psycho-religious - in the sense that if he became convinced "God" wanted him to kill people, he would in a heartbeat... he'd be a general in the Crusades.

 

I have come to terms with our relationship, or lack thereof really... and it's ok. It hurts at times, and it sinks deep but I quickly dismiss it.

 

After a few minutes within his presence it's almost impossible NOT to get insulted somehow >.

[dan10]

those arent counterarguments hun... those are his arguments. thats why they can work. but i'm glad you are ok with things how they are. but i do have to question the dismissing it part... you really should set aside some time whenever you are hurt about it to let yourself feel the hurt. its better to hurt a bit many times then to go psycho and kill a bunch of people because you hurt alot all at one time