misssmithviii Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 All my life so far, I've wondered if my father really loved me or not. One minute I was sure that he did, and the next I was sure that he didn't. Between the physical abuse which was barely less than the verbal abuse, all the expensive gifts and funding for anything I wanted financially - I became quite a mess. Growing up, he never listened to my feelings. He believed feelings were bull poop (hope I can say that; but as you can imagine it wasn't the censored phrase)... he believed that love was supporting someone, giving them what they needed in terms of financial help and/or objects - but emotionally he was (is) a wasteland. This opened my eyes into why I am the way I am, why I value emotions so strongly... why I feel the need to be HEARD, not just listened to, by the people that I care about and who claim to care about me. I'm very sensitive when I feel like someone close, isn't listening or paying attention to me... probably because I've had a lifetime of my only parent ignoring me. Just a few days ago, my dad hit me with his truth, he said, "I believe I am guilty of nothing as long as I didn't intend to do it. My truth is the way it is... I'm old enough, I know. Nobody else's truth matters to me." He made this big argument about how the law sees it that way (which I argued like crazy with) and how "God sees what's inside your heart and that's all that matters." That argument I left alone because arguing about religion with my dad is like smacking your head with a brick >. I asked, "So if you killed somebody but didn't intend to - you're not responsible for your actions?" His reply was so coldly, "Nope." I told him, "So if you hurt people, and push them away - that doesn't bother you at all?" Once again, "Nope." I was shocked... my boyfriend was standing right there, quiet and still. I told my dad, "You do realize there's something wrong with saying you care about somebody but you don't care about their feelings at all, right?" And of course again, "Nope. I NEVER intend to hurt people's feelings, but if I do then tough. That's their problem not mine." He followed that up with, "I could care less about your feelings. I never mean to hurt them, but if I do so what? You deal with it. I'll never apologize to somebody for hurting them." Now I see why my mom left him... why every student he has says, "He's a smart professor, but just the meanest and most proud man I've ever met." Now, my dad's a VERY blunt man who says things that are not only hurtful but irrelevant most of the time. He seems to enjoy "controlling" people with his rudeness, if that makes sense - at least in the classroom. He's very disrespectful, but doesn't care. He's 58, has pushed every woman he's ever loved out of his life and even his children. I'm his only daughter that still associates with him. Perhaps out of pity... Idk. A part of me feels like as sick as he is, it's his "interpretation" of how to love... who am I to condemn him for it, right? So Idk... I was really just hoping to bounce this off of other people. So what do you guys and gals think about my father's views? Do you agree? Disagree? Why? Link to comment
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