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This will be quite long (my apologies), as I haven’t really confessed everything to anyone and I feel like it’s a burden, so I’m planning to do it now.

Our relationship was complicated. In short, we were together for a year, the first 8 months it was great, the rest was DISASTER. After that it was even worse, if that is even possible. We fought over everything (which I really hate(d), but we still did). I ruined so many exams because of her. She always had to tell me something really bad the day before the exam, and those kind of stuff really affect me. My family knew her, and according to them, she was lying to me a lot (I have caught her only once), she had some problems (they thought that it’s because of her parents and the pressure they had put on her when she was little, my mother is psychologist) and was always trying to prove that she is better than me (she kinda did that, not only by studying more, but by making me weaker too, although she always said that she never had that kind of intentions). My family is great, and they have always been here for me, but I don’t want to bother them with this again, as I have enough already.

During the time we were together, even though we fought every day, we always agreed at the end (often in 5 am), and said how we love each other. I knew/know her too well for my own good. I know her weaknesses: she is very insecure, has a lot of problems with her parents, she doesn’t connect with people good (she is really good looking, fun, outgoing and had no problem making friends, but not the type of friends that last), she is afraid of being alone (she used to have no friends). When we were together she used to tell me how she loved me more than anything, how I should remember in case we break up that she will always love me, but may not say so. People may just say so when they are happy, I don’t know. I don’t expect her to wait for me for years, or even months. But I really believed it when she said it. She also told me some weeks before break up (when there was a chance of breaking up) that if we do break up she maybe will have friends and boyfriend, but it will not be the same because she won’t open that much, she won’t be able to connect as we did. She told me that if I ever want to be with her again in the future, no matter if she’s single or in a relationship, I should give her a call. That wouldn’t guarantee that she will want, but there will be big chance that she does – her words. She leads some kind of double life, in public and with people she never talks about how she feels; she always tries to sound happy and cheerful, even though she may be very sad and alone. I’m with her in the same class and she looks happy at times, sad at other. She has more friends now, she laughs and everything looks good for her. I have heard from friends, that she lies about the reason of break up (it was terrible overall + she lied), she says how I was convinced that she had an affair or something like that. She also tell everyone how being with me was the worst thing in her life and how she regrets it a lot. However, couple of days ago she called, sounding destroyed. Apologized and started talking how she never wanted to prove that she is better. I cut her off. I don’t know what to think about her now. Everything is too messed up. My family is strongly convinced that she was lying to me while we were together and now someone screw her so she wants to come together with me again or that she want to come together just so she can be the one to break up. They believe that she is lying to everyone and that she needs constant attention. I just remembered that she started dating some movie director when she decided that she wants to be an actress. I really can’t refute any of my parents’ arguments, including that she was together with me just to use me. They were saying the same during the relationship too (which makes it more legit), but I always defended her. After I caught her lying to me, I can’t say anything. I was so sure that she is always honest with me. I was always honest with her, no matter what had happened. I really want to know the truth. I know that that will probably never happen, but I don’t understand why. Why can’t she just come and say: yes, I lied to you, I was with other guy (other thing my parents claim to be so. She was on holiday at her grandma and a guy she has talked to no more than 10 times, came to see her and slept over. I still think that nothing happened.) or no, I really loved you, and I lied only when you caught me. I know for a fact that I will never know the truth because even if she comes and tells me, I won’t believe her. But why does it have to be this way? I don’t get it. It won’t change anything now, so why can’t people tell the truth? It will just make me feel better, now I don’t know what to make of it. When I think about her, I don’t know what to think. I was 100% sure that what we had was special, despite the constant arguing. Thinking now that it could all be a lie is destroying me. What do you do in cases like this? Do you trust the instincts you had then, or think more logically?

Some of the friends she hangs out with now, used to be my friends. I still talk to them, but she does more, and she tells them things that are not true about me, and they don’t mention it, I can’t mention it because the one that told me will have troubles.

Before she called me I was doing great. I decided that I don’t really care, that she is not worth it if she is telling everybody crap about me, but then she called, because she felt bad, and now I’m kinda back where I was. I never threw all the things she gave me, and took them out now. There are not many things, I though there were more but I still can’t stop crying. I keep notes saying I love you. They hurt the most. I have read advice about throwing everything but I can’t do it. I feel like a very big part of me is going to die that way, I know that that is the point, but I can’t do it. It shouldn’t have ended like that. It shouldn’t have ended at all. She was my little girl. We did so many things together. Sometimes when I think I think that we weren’t ready for serious relationship and that’s why it didn’t work out, but that we should try again. I know that it won’t work, or maybe it can work. I can’t even type “it won’t work” without adding something. When I saw her in school I thought that maybe we can be friends with benefits, or without the friends part, but now I just want to hug her. I feel urge to call her; I have excuse which makes it even more tempting. I can say that I should have talked more last time when she called. She was my first, and only, which I guess makes it harder. Finding someone else may change how I feel, I will let you know when I do find someone.

I don’t know what I expect of this post, I just wanted to write everything down and share it with somebody. Any reply is welcome. Sorry if the post is not organized neatly, I got emotional and just wrote.

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Thanks for sharing. I am new to this site, well new to posting and replying. You'll see my story by clicking my profile. Anyway. Things are obviously still very raw and you are going to be really emotional. have you reached out to your family and friends to help you with this problem? It helps so much to have people to talk to about it as it can give you a differnt perspective on everything. Over the past 3 weeks I have spoken to LOADS of different people. People who have just sperated from their wife of 18 years, people arent even in a realtionship, different ages and diffrent experiences. Even had some session with counsellor, very helpful. This would be my first suggestion to you my friend. Keep posting too.

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