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Apparently I have trust issues..........??


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Okay....I will try not to drag this out. Bf and I have been together 9 months, and have decided to move in with each other in another month or two. He is GREAT! Really. He puts so much effort into our relationship, he helps me with house chores, yard work, picture your "perfect" boyfriend and that's him. BUT! When we got together we had both just gotten out of bad relationships. We tried to take it slow at first, and even made it clear to each other that we weren't looking for anything serious and not to have any expectations of each other. But, that didn't last long. We pretty much just fell for each other. It was him more than myself who pushed for an "exclusive" relationship, and he says I mean the world to him, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.


We have never had so much as a disagreement until a few days ago. A few WEEKS ago, we went out for dinner and saw my ex at the pub. He didn't say anything to us or anything, just saw him there. That night he drunk texted me in the middle of the night. The text was something along the lines of "I'm happy you found such a great guy who takes care of you. You guys looks really happy and great together, etc, etc." I told my bf about the text in the morning, as I always tell him everytime my ex contacts me because I have nothing to hide. I'm scared that if I didn't tell him, that we would run into my ex one night and he would ask me in front of the new bf why I didn't respond or something, and my new bf would be upset that I didn't tell him that the ex texted me. I hope this is making sense so far! Even though I told him about the content of the text, my bf got upset that my ex had texted me and said that it was inapropriate and disrespectful, and that I should tell him to stop texting me. period. I wholeheartedly agreed with him and apologized, but also pointed out that I had no control over it, and that I was just trying to be upfront and honest with him, because I have nothing to hide. I told my ex that he can't do that anymore because I have a new life that doesn't include him, and that he needed to respect me and my new relationship and leave me alone.


Flash forward to last Friday night. We were sitting on the couch, hanging out with his cousin and some of his family. He showed me something on his phone, and I noticed that there was a text from his ex gf from the day before. I didn't say anything to him that night because we were with his family, and I didn't think it was the right time or place to discuss it. The next day I snooped in his phone (I know, SHAME SHAME!) I never snoop in his phone, and the only reason I wanted to so bad is because he keeps the thing on LOCK DOWN....it's always locked, and he always places it face down, keeps the sound off when we are together, etc. I read the conversation with his ex. There was nothing emotional or risque, but there were a few messages that were things like, "When are you going to stop by?" , "Can you come see the kids after work?" (she runs a day home), "Are you going to stop by in the morning?", "I'll just stop by after I pick up groceries" (her to him), one said he "had $60 for her"....looks like he picked up a cheque for her somewhere....a few different things that didn't make too much sense....that night I asked him, "Why do you still talk to your ex?" He asked me "What do you mean?", I told him that I noticed a text from her when he showed me his phone on Friday night. He said "Oh, she just has some mail for me"....I asked him if that was all. He said yes. I said that I didn't feel like he was telling me the whole truth. I didn't tell him that I read the messages. I said that I was upset because I had assumed that he had cut contact with his ex, since he had expressed to me that I should cut contact with my ex, because it was disrespectful, etc. He admitted that he had picked up a cheque for her, but didn't disclose what the rest of the texts meant. He apologized and said he would call her the next day and tell her that he's not going to talk to her anymore and that he's not going to do any more favours for her, and that she has to leave him alone from now on. He also said he would do anything to make me feel better. I asked him if he would show me the conversation....he picked up his phone and deleted it! I told him that he had the chance to prove he wasn't lying, and that he didn't take it, instead he deleted it. He got defensive and said that he will never show me his phone because his ex would always go through it and snoop, and read too far into things. He said his buddies have gotten in trouble with their wives because they "misinterpret" messages. And that's why is phone is always locked. As far as I'm concerned, if there's anything that can even be misinterpreted, then it's inappropriate anyway. I am always so open with him and tell him everything, because I have nothing to hide from him.


Flash backwards 5 years: My ex bf and I were sitting in the car one day, and I needed to use his phone as mine was dead. (We had been together for a year at the time) I clicked on something I wasn't supposed to (I didn't even see anything) and my bf at the time grabbed the phone away from me and got very defensive. I asked him what he had to hide and he said nothing, but that he had gone for coffee with a girl from work, and he didn't want me to think otherwise, but still WOULD NOT show me the phone. I questioned him about it a bit, but easily believed him that it was nothing and dropped it. I am a very trusting person by nature, and not at all jealous or suspicious in general. After we broke up, he told me that he had sex with that girl from work at least 16 times while we were together, and that he even came over to my house right after and had sex with me. We moved in with each other about a year and a half into our relationship. He obviously told me just to hurt me. Until then he had gotten away with it, I had no clue. When I found out, I was absolutely heartbroken. I felt like anything we ever did have was all a lie, like it was all fake because I had already been betrayed.


My current boyfriend says he wants us to go to couple's counseling as a proactive measure to make sure we will be able to work through our very different views on trust. He says this relationship is too important to get ruined by baggage that we both carry from past relastionships. He believes that blind trust should just be given in new relationships, and I believe that it should be built and earned with time. I want to tell him that it's not okay that he didn't show me the conversation with his ex, and that I feel like he's still hiding something from me. But I know he will just get upset and defensive. I don't know! I'm so confused!


Am I overreacting about the texts from my bf's ex? Is he hiding something, or is he just overly protective of his own privacy from past experiences? I think that phone locking is suspicious, and believe that we should be able to share everything in each other's lives if we are going to live together. I already know what I'm terrified of: finding out later that I should have trusted my gut instinct in the first place before I end up heartbroken again. HELP!

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What I always say is to use your instincts in these situations. Does it look like a duck? Does it quack like a duck? Does it sound like a duck? If yes, then chances are...


First off I don't agree with him at all that trust is something that is a given in a new relationship. This is why relationships are hard to come by, real ones. Trust is earned from day one and that's why I always say (and practice) avoiding white lies at the start of a new relationship. Lies tend to weave their way into bigger ones, even though they started very small.


Does he know how badly you were burnt by your ex? Maybe that will help him understand that it's something you're having trouble with. The fact he wants to go to a therapist with you is promising though and that shows that he does care rather than just telling you you're "crazy" and have "trust issues" and leaving it at that.

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I don't agree that trust is a given in new relationships either. However, I can see that he would be very protective of his privacy, especially if his ex was consistently invading it. Different people have different comfort standards. This doesn't mean he isn't hiding something, just that he might not be.


If he suggested counselling, do it! I think anyone can benefit from a little bit of outside insight and it could be quite beneficial. While your boyfriend might not pay full heed to your opinions when you express them, he may when a councellor is involved, especially if the councellor has a clearer way of stating it (yes, I know to you what you say may make perfect sense, but guys sometimes don't 'get' things). And, if your bf wants to involve professional help, chances are he is very interested in being with you and creating a good relationship. He wouldn't be putting in the effort unless he felt that way. And I do think that he wants the best for both of you and recognizes that you both have hurts and both need to grow as people... that takes a lot of maturity, and he is to be commended for it.


So, is he cheating on you? I don't know. Is he doing something behind your back? I don't know. Trust yourself, be strong, and believe in yourself. Good luck.

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No trust should not be blindingly had in a new relationship. That is very irresponsible. When you blindingly trust then you don't see the reality of the relationship. So you're right to stick to your view of it.


As for the text message and him deleting it. He didn't have to delete it if he was going to show you things and prove to you what you wanted to see. I'm not sure what he thought he might've proved by it by doing that.


I think he should be able to be understanding with the issues you've been burned with before. It definitely could use to have some communication with it. Rather then it being an issue that builds up between you two. He needs to understand where you're coming from with that.

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Thanks for the feedback guys. After I explained my side of the story, and asked him to put himself in my shoes, he agreed that he shouldn't have had a double standard and apologized for being hypocritical.


Yes, he does know how badly I was burned by my ex. When we were discussing it, he asked me if he could tell me what happened to him before. The story was that his ex had gone through his phone and come up with a few women that he "must have something going on with".....he says she misinterpreted some texts, and read too far into it, and that he always came home to her every night and she was always accusing him of things he never did. He said that he just can't be in another relationship like that and that it's insulting to not be trusted. He says, "you just HAVE to trust me". I asked him if I could tell him what happened to me before, and told him about the phone incident with my ex and how that was the girl he had cheated on me repeatedly with, and that I was scared because I have trusted people before who I really believed I could trust, only to be burnt in the end. He was very understanding, but stood by his statement: "I will never show you my phone."


I agree that we SHOULD go to couples counseling. I have a feeling that almost any therapist or counselor is going to tell him that trust IS something that needs to be built and earned with time, and not something that is given blindly in a new relationship. Also, I felt very relieved when he suggested the counseling in the first place, because I see it as a sign that he does want this to work out, and that he does want to understand my side of it as well, and wants to build a strong relationship.


Ummm....ya: Does it look like a duck? Yep. Does it sound like a duck? Yep, just quacking up a storm in my brain all day long. Ugghhh....I think the thing that bothers me the most is the texts that say "Are you stopping by in the morning?", "I'll just stop by after I pick up groceries.", "Can you text when you get here so the dog doesn't bark?"......that means she's been to his house, and that alone makes me feel sick to my stomach. His house is like my sanctuary, where I relax and get spoiled, and where I fell in love with him. I would have felt a little better if he had shown me the texts and come clean and explained what the hell was going on, because as I said before, I didn't get the impression that it was anything emotional or risque. So, now I still feel (and know) that he was (or is) still hiding something.

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If you are 100% sure that those texts were between him and his ex, and that they were from the period of time that you have been "exclusive", then you have every right to distrust.

It seems he's still maintaining a double standard there. He's almost demanding that you have no contact with your ex, but yet he reserves the option of being in contact with his and not being completely honest and open about it.

After only 9 months if you're seeing red flags like this, I'm not sure how much counseling will have effect. counseling is usually more appropriate for couples in long-term relationships. I would definitely be putting on the brakes as far as moving in together.


As was said - if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

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