Sudden change in relationship..

[23d]

I've been in a relationship for two months now (both 23 years old) that has been going incredibly. We had previously known each other before deciding to date and clicked right away. We had early discussions of what we wanted and expected in a relationship because we had both been in unhappy relationships earlier in the year. I have anxiety issues that I have become better at dealing with but I still feel insecure in the start of a relationship when I begin to invest my feelings in someone, which is probably the case for a lot of people. He has made me feel secure, calm, happy. I have felt so lucky. He is also very open with telling me how he feels about me and it is clear that we both care a great deal about each other.

 

The only issue we have had to deal with is a change in his availability. He became very busy with school and work and I am horrible at dealing with change. After about a week I did adjust and realized I had put things I enjoy doing on hold for him. So I began to see it as a blessing in disguise because I realize I am the type of person who can get easily wrapped up in a relationship and stop taking time for myself. A couple of weeks went by where we spent less time together but I still felt satisfied with the amount that I got to see him. I also felt more independent and less anxious.

 

Over the past week I have sensed a change in his mood and he hasn't seemed himself. Finally he confided in me that he has been feeling down over the past week or so. Skipping class, not caring about anything, not feeling excited to see friends, not finding the motivation to do school work, just wanting to be alone all the time. He has many stresses in his life right now including work, school, family issues, and self-esteem issues. I am a very sensitive person and I am ashamed to admit that my first reaction to a situation is not always the best. I immediately took it to mean that he didn't care about me. He assured me that what was going on had nothing to do with me, that he hasn't cared for someone like this in a long time, etc. I felt selfish for only thinking about myself when it is clear that he is going through a hard time, so I apologized and gave him some space this weekend as we weren't able to see each other anyway. I wanted to make it clear that he didn't have to worry about spending time with me, if he wanted to have more alone time I would understand and know that he wasn't pushing me away he was just trying to deal with everything else.

 

Last night he told me he needed to talk, and proceeded to say that this relationship might not work and he had been feeling that way over the past week or so. He had no reason, it just "didn't feel right". My jaw dropped and my first reaction was that it couldn't be true. I didn't understand or believe it. He had told me that everything was fine with us because he had still needed time to think. We had a very long conversation which resulted in us not breaking up. He said he felt bad not being excited to see me anymore, and felt that it was stressing him out knowing that he's really busy again this weekend and that I'd be disappointed by that. I argued that he wasn't just feeling a lack of excitement toward me, it was toward everything in his life, and that I don't want to add stress to his life. I explained that we will spend time together whenever we can and that I am understanding of the fact that he is not feeling well right now. I asked him if he really wanted me out of his life (because I truly didn't believe that) and he began to cry. He told me that I am everything in a girl that he wants, and that he feels like he often pushes away girls when they begin to care about him, but he didn't want to lose me because he cares so deeply about me. He is really confused, and so am I. We don't know where to go from here. We both believe we made the right decision in staying together, and in my heart I believe his feelings for me will return to what they were when he comes out of this depression. On the other hand my heart is breaking, because he is the most special person I have met in a very long time and I don't know what I would do without him. I want to trust that he still wants me to be a part of his life, but I am afraid that things won't get better.

 

I know this is very long, but if anyone can lend their thoughts or advice on this situation it would mean so much.. I have a tendency to over-analyze situations and I'm having a hard time calming down.

[sidehop]

I asked him if he really wanted me out of his life (because I truly didn't believe that) and he began to cry. He told me that I am everything in a girl that he wants, and that he feels like he often pushes away girls when they begin to care about him, but he didn't want to lose me because he cares so deeply about me.

 

Do you know what his past relationships were like?

[Mr Man]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling great.

 

Well, from what you've said, it appears you have both done the right thing in terms of being honest and talking about the situation as constructively as possible. It also seems clear that the relationship is important to you both.

 

Unfortunately, some people, as great individuals as they are, are just a bit messed up! It sounds like he could be one of them. People like this do not change over night, over a week, over a month or, in all liklihood, over a year or longer. Many, many people go though their entire lives confused, depressed and emotionally unstable. Only in the rare occasions where these people truly look within and face their problems do they make a meaningful change to themselves.

 

His emotions have naturally shifted in many ways, including in the way he feels about you. There's nothing anyone can do about that, I'm sorry to say.

 

I think, all you can do is give him space and be prepared for this relationship not to work out. Him not being excited to see you after only 2 months is a real indicator that this relationship will not stand the test of time. I'd almost be inclined to suggest that you break up with him so you begin moving on asap. Don't lose hope! Remember, there are 3.5billion men in the world and of those there re literally millions that you can have a vibrant, exciting, fulfilling, trusting, secure and sexy relationship with! In my view, from what you have said, it's time to walk away...

 

Best wishes

 

Mr Man

[23d]

He has dated several girls who he found he was not compatible with, and considers this to be his third serious relationship. I don't mean to sound ridiculous, because it has only been two months, but we both feel it has been much longer. Anyway, his first lasted around 3 years and consisted of several cycles of breaking up and getting back together. He feels he was immature in that relationship and was not treating his girlfriend as well as she has been treating him and from what I gather she was a very sweet girl. His second was much shorter, 5 months, but they went through the same breaking up and getting back together thing. It was different because she was not looking for something serious and he fell hard for her. She did not treat him well and led him on. I have made it clear to him in the past that I don't agree with breaking up and getting back together. I begin to get over someone after they break up with me and I don't wonder if they will want me back, I see it as a final thing.

[23d]

I appreciate your honesty, and in a normal situation I would never want to be with someone who was not excited to see me. But the one thing that has me holding on is that I believe he may be depressed, which is causing him to lack excitement for anything. I am hoping that's true, he is also hoping.. we just don't know.. Thank you though. I am going to take your advice about giving him space but not being overly naive and optimistic.

[Deciduous]

Hi 23d,

 

It seems your boyfriend goes through a regular pattern of getting close to some-one, then distancing himself once emotional intimacy is achieved. This is is his Modus Operandi. This is who he is. Sadly you can't change that, although you might desperately want to.

 

Normal levels of emotional closeness overwhelm him, leading to feelings of suffocation. Then he cuts-and-runs.

 

It's normal for people to experience emotional peaks and waves regarding intimacy, but this usually happens after 9-12 months. He's experienced it in the first two months. And that is a problem.

 

Thing is, once you agree to end the relationship, as sure as eggs are eggs, he'll rebound back immediately. It will be begging texts, letters, emails and visits. And the whole cycle will start again.

 

Sure you can spend the next six months riding this rather painful wave, but it will be devastating for your self-esteem and by the end of it you will be a nervous wreck. You will feel you are being needy, when in fact you are merely voicing a normal desire for closeness and stability in a relationship.

 

Right about now, you're hoping your deep affection can cure him. I'm afraid it can't. Only he can. And only when he is ready, which isn't now.

 

Some-one broke his trust in a major way and he doesn't plan on trusting you or any-one, anytime soon. Right now he is much more comfortable with people that are emotionally unavailable to him and don't grate up against his fears.

 

It is what it is. What you see now, is what you get. I realise this is very painful to hear, yet you have done nothing wrong.

 

It's just, he has nothing to give in terms of a healthy and stable relationship. He has stuff to work through. He may never do the work - or he may do it 10 years from now. One thing is for sure, he isn't ready now, which is why he is desperately looking for the Exit signs. This means he is either unable or unwilling to break this pattern now.

 

On a completely separate issue, I wonder if his sudden depression is connected to a Seasonal Affective Disorder. Has he suffered in the past? Whereabout does he live, hemisphere-wise? It's just a thought. If so, he shouldn't grin and bare it. He needs help so he can complete his studies.

 

However this is a separate issue to his Cut-And-Run issue. Curing SAD will not alleviate trust issues. Two totally different subjects, I am sorry to say.

 

I do wish you all the best.

 

Take care

 

Deci

[23d]

Hi 23d,

 

It seems your boyfriend goes through a regular pattern of getting close to some-one, then distancing himself once emotional intimacy is achieved. This is is his Modus Operandi. This is who he is. Sadly you can't change that, although you might desperately want to.

 

Normal levels of emotional closeness overwhelm him, leading to feelings of suffocation. Then he cuts-and-runs.

 

 

I don't know if this is true. I guess I have a hard time believing it because everything he has said until now has indicated that he wants a serious, loving relationship, unlike his last. Maybe I am easily fooled..

 

I really appreciate your opinions, even though they are hard to hear. I am really not strong enough to leave this relationship without giving it some time. I wish I was, but I feel so weak. I've fallen really hard and this has all happened so suddenly, and I truly believe he still has those deep feelings for me. I don't know, maybe I am very naive. I do agree that I can't go on feeling needy and insecure for long, but I hope I'm not making a mistake by giving it a little bit of time.. Thank you.

 

EDIT: We live in Eastern Canada, and I suffer from SAD. I have encouraged him to speak to a counselor or sit under a lamp that is provided at our University, but I can only make suggestions and he seems hesitant to seek help... I just want him to feel better..

[Deciduous]

Anyway, his first lasted around 3 years and consisted of several cycles of breaking up and getting back together. He feels he was immature in that relationship and was not treating his girlfriend as well as she has been treating him and from what I gather she was a very sweet girl. His second was much shorter, 5 months, but they went through the same breaking up and getting back together thing.

 

I completely understand what you are saying. It is natural to want to try every avenue, before considering a break-up. Obviously this is a devastating time fore you. Yet so far this relationship is following the pattern of both is last relationships. Cycles of breaking up and getting back together. If you strongely feel that this isn't a repeat of old patterns? that this is something else, then by all means, investigate all other solutions. Why not?

 

As I said, could his recent depression be clinical or S.A.D. He does seem overhwhelmed with school right now.

 

Anyway I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it.

 

HUGS. I know you are hurting.

 

Deci

[23d]

I completely understand what you are saying. It is natural to want to try every avenue, before considering a break-up. Obviously this is a devastating time fore you. Yet so far this relationship is following the pattern of both is last relationships. Cycles of breaking up and getting back together. If you strongely feel that this isn't a repeat of old patterns? that this is something else, then by all means, investigate all other solutions. Why not?

 

As I said, could his recent depression be clinical or S.A.D. He does seem overhwhelmed with school right now.

 

Anyway I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it.

 

HUGS. I know you are hurting.

 

Deci

 

I'm not 100% sure if this isn't just a repeat of past relationships, but I will stay aware of how things have been in the past for him and remind him that that is not how I operate. Break ups are final for me, I don't look back. That is why I'd like to give this some time, not make a quick decision.

 

He is definitely going through something tough, and I will continue to encourage him to get help. Thank you so much for your kind words and honest advice (and the hugs).