The importance of NC and listening to advice.

[highcontrast]

I should point out that although ive been reading the site for a long while now, I am still very much a newbie on the forum, i came here more to get advice. But i just wanted to post basically what ive learnt in the last few months.

 

Without going into details, i've made numerous (and on-going) mistakes in trying to reconcile with my ex, like begging & pleading in the beginning, breaking NC every month or two months, and most recently sending flowers! This is despite reading this and other forums religiuosly.

 

Anyway the hours, weeks, months trawling thru posts, and occasionally posting my own, i've learnt that the same overall message simply keeps repeating "Go NC (for a decent amount of time at least), move on, an improve yourself in the meantime". Then wait for them to break NC, or contact them once your not so totally desperate for them anymore, and try and also accept they may or may not come back.

Im sure many have come to exactly the same conclusion, but havent really accepted it. But its the same message repeated over and over and over again, in one form or another.

 

Ive now (finally!?) believe it is really the "only" proper option. Obviously there are minor differences if you caused the breakup (as it was in my case) so an apology is needed somewhere, but in essence i believe the principle is still the same.

 

Its the hardest thing in the world to do, but if your ex means that much to you, you need to ask yourself - are you willing to do anything to help get back with them? Then do the hardest thing...and not contact them (for a good while at least). I can now see why all those many experienced posters kept going on about it, in most situations its probably the only thing that will help "increase the chances" of reconcilation. Paitence is needed, it's as simple as that.

 

People (especially exe's) will always want what the cant have. Always remember this. (In fact we all remember how much more desperately we wanted them when they rejected us!) And as many other posters have also said, their curiousty and interest in you has to increase before absolutely anything can happen. And this really can only happen with some prolonged period of NC.

 

The most important lesson in life is i believe is to learn from other peoples mistakes, and many of us on have made these mistakes for you, you just need to take the lessons away with you. And trying to avoid these "simple" mistakes can help greatly. I've very regretably learned the hard way and I feel like i've become one of those dissolusioned memebers now! To avoid this happening to you, please please please listen and try & follow the advice given, even its harsh and not what you want to hear.

 

HC

[jeepman41]

Self experience is a very stern teacher. Learn form your mistakes like others already have. NC is considered the golden rule after a breakup. Remember if you do nothing, then nothing can happen.

[The Man Who]

Acceptance is tough for most people which is why I think the majority struggle with NC but those who seriously get it are the ones who come out shining the best. Every one of us had a great life(in one way or another) before our ex came along, yet as soon as they vanish we tend to pine for them like they were the be all and end all of our happiness.

 

The more we want something in life the harder we try, usually more often than not the harder we try the more desperate we get and it's the exact same with trying to reconcile with an ex. A lot of people on this forum say "they let go" but their actions in their specific threads speak louder than their words(i.e. they cling onto hope, they need their ex to fulfill their happiness, they need a partner as they don't want to be lonely etc). Going with no expectations and no hope is far better than setting yourself up for a glorious reconciliation and failing.

 

As SuperDave has said in several of his posts "If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong", great bit of advice right there.

[Aleina2011]

Thanks for your post. I needed to hear those words today. Not that I haven't heard them before (as you too say) but especially when the BU is quite fresh you need to hear them over and over again until you finally "get it".

[highcontrast]

Your'e not wrong jeepman. The thing is we all "desperately" want to get back with our exe's, especially at the beginning.

 

I thought my situation was different because I 100% caused the breakup. But ive shot myself in the by breaking NC too many times and too often. In hindsight I should have definitely stuck with NC longer and waited for her to make the first move.

 

I am however still curious to know what other posters think to the situation when you've caused the break-up and then wanting to reconcile i.e. in my case having GIGs and mutually agreeing the breakup and then regretting it (dumper becoming dumpee?). I know the same appliaction of NC is still definitely needed, hence my original post, but is this scenario ever so slightly different?

[highcontrast]

Aleina... im glad my if post can help at least one person, so thank you for your thank you

[Airbag]

Acceptance and patience. The two most important words when wanting to reconcile with an ex.

[The Man Who]

I know the same appliaction of NC is still definitely needed, hence my original post, but is this scenario ever so slightly different?

 

No scenario is really ever different, there are still the same fundamentals with every break up but NC is still required. It gives you time to grow/change as a person, which some may not think is needed but it is in order to develop a new(and I mean brand spanking new) relationship with your ex.

[KronicMan]

Thanks for your post. I needed to hear those words today. Not that I haven't heard them before (as you too say) but especially when the BU is quite fresh you need to hear them over and over again until you finally "get it".

 

 

i think some people need to make mistakes and humiliate themselves in order to finally get it

[AnnaN]

Thank you for your post. Apparently I need to read over and over the importance of NC, although I'm stuck to my plan and contacted one week after BU as scheduled.

[highcontrast]

The man who... I see what you mean. And i agree now that some NC is absolutley vital regardless of the situation. A break up is a break up!

 

I think for me it was the combination of feeling the normal breakup loss + huge regret on top of that! I initially did the pleading, and "then" over the months i did the apologising (intermittently), including in the flowers i sent recently. I did this because i know she deserved to have been treated much better by me, and i really really regreted how i acted.

 

The reason i ask if the sitaution is different is because the "now" dumper (i.e. her) has been hurt by me and no doubt harbours resentment towards me right? So i felt i needed to show how sorry i was and that i had changed. And maybe why i broke NC so often. Was this completely wrong of me?

 

I was also just slightly curious if the psycology of the "now" dumper is subtly different? i.e. they have a more "i told you so" or "you could have had me and so now im gonna rub it in your face" mentality than a normal dumper? Or should i just look at as simply as that i became the dumpee?

[Aleina2011]

Aleina... im glad my if post can help at least one person, so thank you for your thank you

 

I'll tell you more - I've printed it off, highlighted the best parts (such as please please please lol) and will be carrying it with me as a reminder for when I need extra strength

[highcontrast]

Thank you for your post. Apparently I need to read over and over the importance of NC, although I'm stuck to my plan and contacted one week after BU as scheduled.

 

AnnaN... I think thats its important remember that the ball is 100% in the dumpers court, you want them, but presently they dont want you. I think ive learnt that until they show some interest and/or its been long enough, theres very little we can do in the meantime (exept maybe make matters worse! like me

 

So maybe NC can help edge the ball closer to your side of the court perhaps, and help give you a better position in the dynamic. I guess at the moment your ex has all the power right?

 

Think that quote by superdave in "the man whos" post says it all.

[LSgirl]

I wish I had something nice to add to this but I don't. When my ex bf broke up with me, we went 9 days NC immediately. I ran into him on Halloween, a couple days later he sent me a letter in the mail (check my last post 'Dumper sent me a letter in the mail' thread) where he poured his heart out, poetic, knew what he had done, even wrote out 'love' for the first time. Then everybody here on the forums including friends said that he wanted to get back to me and that I should make a move, so I did last night. I invited him over, we talked, turns out, he didn't want to work it out again. It made no sense. I'm back to NC day 1 and the pain is just as deep as it was the first time he broke up with me.

[Aleina2011]

I wish I had something nice to add to this but I don't. When my ex bf broke up with me, we went 9 days NC immediately. I ran into him on Halloween, a couple days later he sent me a letter in the mail (check my last post 'Dumper sent me a letter in the mail' thread) where he poured his heart out, poetic, knew what he had done, even wrote out 'love' for the first time. Then everybody here on the forums including friends said that he wanted to get back to me and that I should make a move, so I did last night. I invited him over, we talked, turns out, he didn't want to work it out again. It made no sense. I'm back to NC day 1 and the pain is just as deep as it was the first time he broke up with me.

 

I am so sorry to hear this LSGirl...I feel for you, I really do. I read your post back then and I too had the impression he wanted to reconcile, why else to send that letter?

I know there is nothing that can ease the pain, but maybe this can give you the strength to move on? I am trying to find this extra strength myself at the moment.