Affection in long distance relationships

[badcat3]

Are couples who are happily involved in long distance relationships more affectionate with words? I have posted about my unemotional boyfriend before and while he treats me well and shows affection when we are together, his lack of verbal affection is bothering me now that we are apart. He doesn't get why this is "suddenly" a problem. How do I explain so he understands? I realize that some people are more experienced/skilled at maintaining long distance relationships and if the distance wasn't a temporary situation I would likely end the relationship over this.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, we are more affectionate with words because, well, you ca'nt be affectionate physically when your 4,000 miles apart. Many people have to be in person to be affectionate - nothing wrong with this. Now if your relationship is temporary then I would just try to ride out the storm, if it were more on a permanent bases I would say you need to sit him down and discuss your feelings and he needs to understand that while you are apart and can't 'touch', doesn't mean he shouldn't be verbally affectionate.

[badcat3]

Thanks OptomisticGirl, I think I'll follow your advice and wait it out. I've tried explaining it and he just doesn't get it. Probably not worth fighting about.

[Voguester]

This sounds weird but I can be really affectionate with my words, and I mean that in a lovey dovey sense and then I go to talk to him on the phone and It takes me a bit of time to be like that because i start to differentiate him on the internet to him a live human being on the phone. I think its really important to express your feelings as best you can in words too, its kind of the foundation of the relationship while you're LD, for me and my bf anyway.

I think you could try and encourage him to be more affectionate and emotional, i wouldn't point it out because thats not really fair, he might just find that form of communication a little more challenging. Everyone likes to know they're loved right? so keep being that way towards him and he'll follow suit I'm sure.

[badcat3]

I kind of know what you mean Voguester. People can appear different in email/chat than in person or on the phone. Or at least your perception of them can vary. As unaffectionate and indifferent as he seems in his emails, I have to remind myself that he is the same warm, caring person inside. I'll try to be patient and lead by example, thanks.

[UnchainedSoul]

I completely understand your situation. Some men have a hard time expressing themselves verbally. I am in the same boat you are. My boyfriend is so affectionate and loving when I am with him, but he doesn't say things like he misses me, needs me etc. It is just who he is. I have learned to accept that. I have argued with myself over whether or not I am settling, but I must accept him for who he is and ALL he is. No one is perfect. We all have issues and flaws. I have attempted to talk to him about it and he says that he is not the mushy type and he has a hard time with verbal expression. So he knows about it and tries hard to work at it. I would not end the relationship over it. Ask yourself this: Is he a good man? Is he a kind man? Is he a genuine soul?. My man definitely is. And if yours is too I would hold on to him because they are rare and hard to come by.

[badcat3]

I have learned to accept that. I have argued with myself over whether or not I am settling, but I must accept him for who he is and ALL he is.

 

I've had the same argument with myself. Even though you accept this about your boyfriend, are there times you wish differently? My guy is good and kind, and I realize it's because of my insecurities (which come and go) that I seek verbal affirmation. He says I should know how he feels about me- like there's no question or uncertainty.

[UnchainedSoul]

Even though you accept this about your boyfriend, are there times you wish differently?

 

Yes, I really do. But we have talked about it, you know. He has a really hard time expressing emotion verbally. He told me I should know by now how he feels about me as well. He also told me he just isn't a mushy person. It is disappointing yes, but when we are together he is so unbelievably affectionate; holding me. kissing me. caressing my face and just being loving. But the way he talks to me over the phone and email, you would think we are just good friends. I have even gone as far as saying, "Do you just consider me a good friend?".

 

That hurt him. I didn't mean to, but what can he expect ya know?

 

How does your boyfriend act when with you? Is he affectionate? And if he is, is that good enough for you? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Is it good enough for you? It is for me because he is so amazing. Just an amazing, kind, human being with real morals and self respect. That's what counts to me. You have to ask yourself, what counts for you as well.

 

Hope that helped some