Sex after No Contact...if that makes any sense lol

[Movinforward]

have any of you NC'ers ever built up your ex's interest enough to the point of them wanting to sleep with you, and actually went through with it? This happened to me recently after months of NC, and while it was an amazing night, i left their house the next day feeling empty...although i felt some closure as well (kinda odd right). Like i said before, the night was truly outstanding sexually, but we havent talked since. I didnt do it to open up any avenues for conversation, just went for it cause it felt right at the moment. Im totally comfortable being back without any contact, but i was wodnering if this makes the ex think about you more, or if they view it just like i did... simply a one night affair?

 

Just a side note, no contact truly is the only way to go. When that person says they no longer see a future for you and them, you have to believe that only time and distance can make the heart grow fonder. If i can give any of you readers/posters any advice, its every time you're feeling weak, log on to this website and just read some stories. If that doesnt work then call a friend or write in a diary. Take everyday as a day to make yourself a better person, so that the next time love comes around you are even more prepared then the relationships before. As hard as it is to believe, we will all move past these losses at some point. Its like learning how to play an instrument. You take a look at a song and think to yourself that there is no way you'll ever be able to play it, but after weeks and months of practice, you laugh at how easy its becoming. Stay strong everybody, and trust that you will make it through a better person; someone who has a new skill set of coping with major losses in their life.

 

Cheers

[LDRohnos]

I noticed you left your post completely gender neutral.. You're a dude, right? Only a dude would want to sleep with their ex when they aren't getting any for awhile and would somehow feel closure for banging her one more time.

 

Yeah nothing ever comes of it.

[PaintWithLight]

Well I hope you were able to find closure but I do not agree that NC is a way to rekindle affection. Yes, with some people, they will only want what they cannot have and chase after you with renewed interest. But that is usually the damaging cycle that you have already outgrown in the relationship. Hopefully...

 

The danger with a tale like yours is that it hits all the heart strings of those hoping for a reconciliation. Ignore them, be mean to them, make them suffer then they will come crawling back....wanting to take you to bed? If that was your goal and you got closure then good luck to you. For too many people in your shoes, the great night of sex only reopens old wounds. They find themselves feeling empty and wondering if the EX will call them again.

 

I say ignore the short term ego boost from having a next of no-strings sex and continue working with yourself. Stay NC for yourself and your future, not as a way of manipulation for one last go.

[tyr72]

I get it, I've been there. For me, I think the feeling empty afterward was an absence of what used to be there rather than that lonely, hollow empty feeling. It wasn't really a bad thing. Does that make sense? I'm with you on the closure too. The sex was good, there was affection, and it was kind of a final goodbye. I didn't think about her anymore than I had prior to that night, in fact I might have started to think of her less after that. Neither of us used it as an excuse to resume contact, and certainly not giving anything another try. However, we never did the on again, off again - break up and make up cycle. We broke up cleanly, if somewhat painfully, and went our separate ways. Years ago I was with a woman that we did go through that cycle. When I went NC with her it was for good. There was no one last night together or anything. She tried, but I wasn't willing to risk restarting that cycle.

[Movinforward]

Thanks for the responses guys, yeah im a dude, and as hard as its been I went no contact for nearly a year. When she would text me to 'see how i was,' and such i would always respond politely but never insinuated any get togethers. Recently her texts have been more in the 'okay, i miss you' category which ulitimately led to a chance meeting and a wild night. After all of this work i dont want to put myself in a position to get hurt again, as i did a year ago out of the blue. This break up has been tough for both of us, but its been a clean one for sure, no begging, pleading, groveling, nothing. As hard as its been, ive used my support sytem and my own self efficacy to keep moving forward. Im sure you guys understand how difficult breakups are, and how that faucet inside of your head still drips memories and what could have beens throughout the time apart. I felt my situation was a little different from others in the fact that I was dumped because my job which i no longer have sends me away for months at a time. Its something we did once, and when faced with the distance again, it was too much, and she ended it. People in my corner kinda get happy for me when i tell them what happened between us recently and use the term " your winning" (charlie sheen style), but i just felt like when i got in my car after it happened, there were no winners, just two people who were once very much in love and fell apart.

[tyr72]

I say ignore the short term ego boost from having a next of no-strings sex and continue working with yourself. Stay NC for yourself and your future, not as a way of manipulation for one last go.

 

While the "distance makes the heart grow fonder" thing is not something I would definitely not have given as advice, I didn't take this as the point of his post at all.

 

While I agree that there will be people that read this post and "this is how I'll get them back", the truth is they aren't yet willing to break out of the patterns they are stuck in. His post isn't going to send someone spiraling back into a bad relationship who really had any intention of changing things.

 

Besides, these forums are for all of us to talk about things that are on our minds. This was what was on his and he posted to talk about shared experience with those who might have it.

[PaintWithLight]

have any of you NC'ers ever built up your ex's interest enough to the point of them wanting to sleep with you, and actually went through with it

 

I was only advising against using NC as a way to get your ex's interest back. The boards are full of people who break NC before they developed a strong enough plan for living without their ex. Having an ex become suddenly interested again in you is part of NC and so is ignoring that false new interest. That is what is on my mind and what I am sharing.

 

I am glad that it worked for the OP and gave closure. But for many others, it would only put them right back on square one. After the first several months of NC, many are only just beginning to get some perspective. The "Casablanca Moment" of bittersweet realization often does not happen for years and years.

[Tomuch2hope]

Ex Sex is a big NO...

 

1. It can reassure them that, they can have you anytime they want.

 

2. It shows that your not the successfull dude /dudette about town your trying to show.

 

3. Your giving into thier needs, when they didn't give a crap about yours.

 

Thats all I can think of for now. But I always stay away from ex-sex, unless you really don't want that person in your life again. Or just plan on using them for a little relieve.

[Movinforward]

Just a quick update, its been over a week since we slept together and I havent heard from her since. I have continued my NC just like i had before , but it just dawned on me that the chance of us really getting back together are slim to none. I'm not hurt by this thought, but it makes me very sad to know how much time and thought I've given to her in this past year of NC... how much damn time wasted.

 

Ego's play such a large roll in breakups, and i see how my ego has really held me back. I'm starting to realize and finally accept that she's not coming back. All the hours listening to music and watching movies with happy endings keep you suspended in a pergatory of believing she will eventually come back. I attribute all of this to ego. Nothing was hurt more than my ego when that phone call happened that night. I never though I'd be the one hearing 'its not you, its me.' Circumstances imo totally changed how she felt for me (job related), and not being able to make her feel the way she once did made me pursue her more and more, and conversely she starting backing away(the ego started kicking in).

 

I cant say i was surprised by her phone call that night, but i certainly wasnt prepared for what my mind was going to do to me for the next year. Its amazing how you become your own worst enemy during NC. Every day you have a front row seat to movies and pictures of your happiest moments with your ex. She never looks more beautiful in your mind, she never says or does the wrong thing. You become preoccupied with getting her back, and you begin to act like a drug addict looking for his/her next fix. I never begged or pleaded or got down on any knees when she dusted me, just 'accepted it' and moved forward. But the reality is i never did fully accept it...its the one fault ive had all along...maybe cause its the hardest thing to do.

 

I want to give a little advice to you guys out there who are struggling with NC and the thought that your gf/bf might never come back. Every day is a struggle, and at the end of the day, whether NC is right or wrong, what it will do is keep your dignity in tact. More importantly, through NC you will eventualy develop a whollle new skill set of dealing with a major loss. You will learn about yourself, and learn the value of discipline. If you go through a breakup with your head held high and focus on making yourself better each and every day, only great things will happen. Wheter or not each and every one of our stories end up like a hollywood story or a happy love song remain to be seen, because those things are out of our control. This past year was one of the hardest years of my life...would i love her to come begging back for me... of course, will it happen, who knows. What i know is that as long as i keep making my ex a priority in my life, and as long as i keep holding on to something that i dont have, im wasting my life away. The faster you guys who are recently dumped can come to grips with that notion, the better off. Every day you spend thinking about her is a day you wont be able to get back, instead, do something positive with that time and take control of your life. I wish nothing but the best for you all, i love this forum because its such a positive outlet for those who have gone through trying times. Keep your head up guys, stick to your no contact, work on yourself each and every day and control the things in life that you have control over.

 

Cheers

[PaintWithLight]

Great post and a great realization. You are on your way to exciting and fulfilling future. Continue NC and spend that energy on yourself. It will pay dividends in a great understand of your own feelings and thought processes. Best of luck!!