My trust issues are making me depressed

[BananaPickle]

I'm desperate to stop being a jealous person. To have faith in my relationship and in my boyfriend. To love myself and know that I deserve my relationship and to just enjoy it. I'm desperate to stop wishing I had things that other people have and to be thankful for what I do have. I want my self confidence back. I want to stop worrying that he'll fall out of love with me and/or fall for someone else.

 

I just want to be happy, healthy, worry & fear free and confident.

 

Does anyone have the answers on how to make all this happen??

[LDRohnos]

You answered yourself.

 

I'm desperate to stop wishing I had things that other people have and to be thankful for what I do have.

 

Stop worrying about what others have and what "else" there is in life and start focusing on what you do have. Put 100% effort into those things and what "else" there is won't matter.

[sidehop]

Did the counselor say or have an idea why you may be feeling this way? Have you been this way all your life; any past traumatic life experience?

[BananaPickle]

I know that I've had low self esteem all my life.. but the jealousy thing didn't really start until later.

 

My ex boyfriend was my "first real relationship" if you will. We were real close friends for a couple years before we started dating and then were together in a committed relationship for 3 1/2 years. My jealousy started because of my insecurity. It also didn't help that he was eye candy to most girls, in a traveling band and was the lead singer/guitarist. Lots of girls were crazy about him and naturally he socialized with all of them at his shows.

 

This is when I started feeling jealousy and we did have problems but he was for the most part pretty good about it. I think it might have even boosted his ego. I knew that he loved me though and we had a connection that I didn't even have with my best friends. At the time I truly thought that we were going to be together forever and that we were both completely committed to making it work. On top of that I thought that we were really really happy and completely in love with each other. The last month or so he started acting kind of weird .. started distancing himself. He said that he was just kind of in a rut and was having trouble with his self identity and that it had nothing to do with us. The last couple weeks he stopped being affectionate all together. I just assumed that he was going through a tough time in his life and that we'd work through it and I was totally supportive of him. Then one night out of the blue he told me that we needed to break up and that he needed to be on his own for a while.. I guess I can't say that I was completely shocked, but at the same time I kind of was. But I figured he just needed some space and that after a little while we'd just get back together. The last thing on my mind was that he'd want to be with anyone else but me...... not even a week after our break up he jumped into a new relationship!!! I felt like the person I knew and loved was completely ripped out of this world and the person who claimed to be my ex -- I couldn't even recognize him. I never never thought he'd do something like that to me or would even want to. My perspective on love and trust completely changed that day.

 

So now I'm in a new relationship of almost 2 years and its the first one since my last relationship. My trust issues are worse than ever. I know that he's twice the man if not triple the man my ex was. I know that I should trust him completely; he's never given me a reason not to trust him. He's repetitively told me how much of a faithful person he is and how he'd never cheat and that he loves me so much and that I'm the only person he wants to be with to try and calm my mind. He tells me things I already know like how jealousy only pushes the relationship away and that it's a negative emotion that if used enough can actually push your relationship into the exact situation that you're scared of (he has a history of jealousy issues as well, but he doesn't get that way anymore). So at least he's very patient and understanding about it. But even knowing ALL of this; how great he is, how he wouldn't cheat on me, how he really is in love with me and wants to be with me, I still can't help but feel the blood boil inside of me and my heart race and the thoughts swarm in my mind whenever I see him interact with another female.........

 

I don't want to think this way I know I need to stop living in fear and try to think positively. I know I need to get my self esteem back because thats a big part of the issue. I just hate how this is so hard

[turnera]

First, you need therapy to learn to love yourself. Jealousy is just fear that your partner will 'figure out' that you're unlovable, and leave you. Once you love yourself, you won't waste time fearing that, cos you'll know you're a great catch.

 

Second, you gotta understand that you never had any control over whether your partner stays with you or not. All you can do is be the best choice and hope he will see it.

 

I always recommend the book His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. It's about marriage, but it's just as vital for any relationship. It will teach you how to make sure you don't make him unhappy and always make him happy - the keys to any great relationship.

[sidehop]

It's an irrational thought but also you're not being ridiculous either. We all have insecurities from time to time; one's experience can sometime force us to view or fear certain situation when it's familiar from the past.

 

Do you also have a good relationship with your parents? Girls (and boys) insecurities often come from lack of father's attention if not their lack of presence growing up which can lead to abandonment and have severe emotional side effects when it comes to personal relationships.

[BananaPickle]

Thank you Turnera, I understand everything that you're saying it.. I just gotta do it now. I will also look into that book thank you so much for referring.

 

sidehop - my dads always been really strict and has always pushed me and my brother to be our best and to succeed to the highest degree... Every weekend as kids we'd wake up to a list of chores to complete before we could see our friends. During the summer we'd be assigned summer homework to complete on top of our chores. He always wanted us to be involved in extra curriculums like piano, dance, soccer... every summer we'd go away on at least one family vacation. Every conversation with my dad has to have a lesson behind it... he loves to lecture and teach. He's always expected the most out of me to succeed, get good grades in school and to get a suitable career. I guess I've just always felt the pressure need to please him and tip toe around him... example : when I'd bring my report card home and it wouldn't be straight A's he'd say it wasn't good enough and that I could do better. I wanted him so bad to be proud that I got honor roll and recognize how hard I tried. Looking back I think he was proud but to him if he showed it then he'd think that I'd settle for it and would no longer strive to be better.

[Happyhappyjoy]

OP I know exactly how you feel! I have suffered from low self-esteem all of my life and I always wonder is my BF going to leave me for someone else who is prettier or sexier. My co-workers and friends say you know what if it happens it happens and obsessing about it is not going to do any good. They tell me if my BF leaves me for another girl you know what that is his loss and he is a d-bag so forget him. It still doesn't stop the obsessing though I am trying everyday to get better and not worry so much but it isn't easy. I feel for you I really do because I too have major trust issues. I just wanted to add I get along great with my parents they were always very loving it was my teachers who did some damage to my self-esteem growing up.

[turnera]

Accomplishing something does wonders for your self esteem.

 

So does volunteering.

[sidehop]

The problem with overly strict parents depending on the situation and severity is that the parent may feel like he/she has accomplished something or steering the child in the right direction, the child can also end up resenting, doing things just to please the strict parent and never having the healthy boundary each child needs. If the child is constantly questioning their own behavior and/or is being questioned with little to no praise, their confidence level can diminish quickly. That could also lead to not being able to trust yourself and the father while the fear of not being able to please him.

 

It maybe that you're doing the same in a relationship and not putting yourself first. Without boundaries, you'll hold on or not able to recognize problems within a relationship while the constant fear of rejection and abandonment slowly start to degrade the relationship.

 

The father-daughter relationship is a very big aspect in a child's life growing up. So in a sense it's not your fault that you're lacking confidence but rather something you learned over the years. At the same time I do recommend counseling if the problem with self esteem and confidence is hindering from having a healthy relationship.