Starting meds

[stlewis1218]

So after a long battle with serious depression, I've given in and will be starting anti-depressants tomorrow. I recently started seeing a counselor about my depression, started by my break up with a long time ex. After being at a low for weeks on end, I hadn't thought I could go any deeper. Finally I did, the farthest down I had been. Panic attacks recurring all day for about 48 hours. It's the most pain I'd felt at anyone time. I couldn't control my breathing, my hands, i couldn't even construct a solid thought with out it turning to disaster. I've never considered my self suicidal, but this is as far down the whole as I've ever felt in my life. Finally after trying to talk to my ex, which i knew wasn't a good idea, she had nothing to try and help console me even though this has gone way beyond a case of being heartbroken. Her basically refusing to see this wasn't about us made me realize she had no remorse about us, or how far down I had fallen. It sort of helped in a way I think. I leveled out a bit, like i regained consciousness. Following i had a day with no real tears, though I've been crying non-stop the last 3 weeks. Today i saw my counselor and I knew i was going to ask for medicinal help, something i was avoiding, because i wanted to think i was strong enough to help myself. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that everyone in my life is busy and i feel resented. Even though i should logically know better.

 

It's such a far step for me, knowing what I was doing and with who i spending my night with. There's no longer that reassurance that I miss so much. I feel like if i let that go, my willingness to spend that time with, I'll never get it back and possibly lose part of myself. I've got plans for activities but now money to do it with. On top of that I have been trying to expand my social circle, but I don't know how to feel invested in it anymore. I feel like I just drag everyone down because everything feels so heavy. Tonight is a prime example, I have no on to hang out with. I know I can do my school work, really focus on it, and regardless as much as I want to go out and make friends, feel like I can't do that either.

 

Angie I miss you so much.....

 

I apologize for the people who have read my threads, and keep seeing me post on here. I've got so much inside I want to get rid of, but it refuses to leave. I try to be positive but all these thoughts i try to form feel illegitimate and fake. Like everyone in the world fakes happiness and I can't do the same. I hope this medicine works, I really do. I'd like to love me again, to be comfortable in my own skin.

[LDRohnos]

I just want to preface my comments with that I went through almost a year of deep depression myself. With the help of medication and a change of lifestyle I've not only broken free of it but I'm living life the way I always wanted to but was too stuck and depressed to do anything about it before. The med's can help if accompanied by a therapist. You'll get through it.

 

It's such a far step for me, knowing what I was doing and with who i spending my night with. There's no longer that reassurance that I miss so much. I feel like if i let that go, my willingness to spend that time with, I'll never get it back and possibly lose part of myself. I've got plans for activities but now money to do it with. On top of that I have been trying to expand my social circle, but I don't know how to feel invested in it anymore. I feel like I just drag everyone down because everything feels so heavy. Tonight is a prime example, I have no on to hang out with. I know I can do my school work, really focus on it, and regardless as much as I want to go out and make friends, feel like I can't do that either.

 

This is too much too fast, you're setting yourself up for failure here which is something that a depressed person will do. You need to do LITTLE things one at a time to get out of a depression. Focus on one small thing such as getting a good grade on a paper, or exercising and running that full hour, eating properly for a day, then two days... Small things that will make you say "I accomplished something for MYSELF and I'm bettering myself in the process." Slowly you'll start regaining your confidence and your self-esteem by doing these little things and re-developing habits that are healthy for you. You hang onto these new habits as if someone was hanging onto a life preserver.

 

Finding a new relationship, expanding your social circle and so on are things that will happen after you work on YOURSELF first. When you're confident in yourself by succeeding in those little things...then bigger things... your self esteem is going to sky-rocket and people will be naturally attracted to you and you won't even have to try very hard...it will just happen.

 

 

Her basically refusing to see this wasn't about us made me realize she had no remorse about us, or how far down I had fallen.

 

You should actually be very glad she didn't want to jump aboard here. The problems you're having lie within yourself and no human being outside of you are going to help here. You want to hang onto her as a lifeline...but as I said above you need to find self-reinforcement through doing things simply for yourself and succeeding at them. Attack small things first... do that for a long time. Then move onto larger things.

 

You're doing the right thing by seeing a therapist and getting medication. Take it from there. Tomorrow morning when you wake up make a plan to do ONE SMALL THING during the day that you can do to you best of your ability. Such as going to the gym or reading part of a book. Whatever you want. Keep doing this on a daily basis by adding a new small thing here and there over a few months time and you'll be surprised when you wake up one day brimming with confidence and self-esteem.

 

It's a long road, but it's one you take one step at a time.