stlewis1218 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 So after a long battle with serious depression, I've given in and will be starting anti-depressants tomorrow. I recently started seeing a counselor about my depression, started by my break up with a long time ex. After being at a low for weeks on end, I hadn't thought I could go any deeper. Finally I did, the farthest down I had been. Panic attacks recurring all day for about 48 hours. It's the most pain I'd felt at anyone time. I couldn't control my breathing, my hands, i couldn't even construct a solid thought with out it turning to disaster. I've never considered my self suicidal, but this is as far down the whole as I've ever felt in my life. Finally after trying to talk to my ex, which i knew wasn't a good idea, she had nothing to try and help console me even though this has gone way beyond a case of being heartbroken. Her basically refusing to see this wasn't about us made me realize she had no remorse about us, or how far down I had fallen. It sort of helped in a way I think. I leveled out a bit, like i regained consciousness. Following i had a day with no real tears, though I've been crying non-stop the last 3 weeks. Today i saw my counselor and I knew i was going to ask for medicinal help, something i was avoiding, because i wanted to think i was strong enough to help myself. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that everyone in my life is busy and i feel resented. Even though i should logically know better. It's such a far step for me, knowing what I was doing and with who i spending my night with. There's no longer that reassurance that I miss so much. I feel like if i let that go, my willingness to spend that time with, I'll never get it back and possibly lose part of myself. I've got plans for activities but now money to do it with. On top of that I have been trying to expand my social circle, but I don't know how to feel invested in it anymore. I feel like I just drag everyone down because everything feels so heavy. Tonight is a prime example, I have no on to hang out with. I know I can do my school work, really focus on it, and regardless as much as I want to go out and make friends, feel like I can't do that either. Angie I miss you so much..... I apologize for the people who have read my threads, and keep seeing me post on here. I've got so much inside I want to get rid of, but it refuses to leave. I try to be positive but all these thoughts i try to form feel illegitimate and fake. Like everyone in the world fakes happiness and I can't do the same. I hope this medicine works, I really do. I'd like to love me again, to be comfortable in my own skin. Link to comment
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