Those of you who are divorced, or getting a divorce.....

[freeindeedgirly7]

.... if you don't mind me asking...

 

How was the relationship in the beginning, when you were dating or first married. Were there red flags? Were people warning you not to marry this other person? Or was it just great and then things just fell apart?

[Lacygirl]

Boy was there ever red flags but of course I ignored them because I was so totally in love and he really had the romance down pat. I have heard in 4 1/2 years more "I'm sorry's" than I care to get into. Yes several people tried to talk me out of it but it fell on deaf ears. No I am getting out of the abusive life I have lived for 4 years.

[single30]

He was wonderful, and we got along super well. We just grew apart.

[thrillbird]

We got along really well, were married for ten years. Then I was diagnosed with and illness and underwent a year long treament that was delbilitating, during which she left me then divorced me.

 

Her issues were second, my failing health, and first she believed that she was really a lesbian, thereforeeee couldn't be in a hetero relationship - especially with my health. (It's not a terminal illness, and I am not infirm. I still work, pay my bills and take care of myself.) I suspect it was an excuse, but since she will not communicate with me, I'll never know.

 

So to address your question, when things were less than perfect, somewhere in there she must have forgotten about 'better or worse, in sickness and in health'. Which is odd, because: 1. She is a priest, 2. She encouraged me into the treatment saying that she married me for 'better or worse, in sickness and in health'.

 

So, here I am alone with my head spinning.

 

I reckon the moral of my story is that you can never tell. People change over time. Relationships are a gamble. Treasure the good while you have it!!

[kizzyfur]

I haven't been married, but I can give an example. My boyfriends marriage.

 

From talking to his ex-wife, him, and his friends and family, I have found out that there were red flags galore when they were dating. And many people did warn him against her. But he thought he was in love and knew what he was doing. They stayed together for almost 8 years. He spent most of that time either away from home for work or drank and stayed buzzed enough her nagging didn't bother him.

 

He finally decided to call it quits last year. He's quit drinking (other than "special" occasions) and is a lot happier.

[babyblu]

.... if you don't mind me asking...

 

How was the relationship in the beginning, when you were dating or first married. Were there red flags? Were people warning you not to marry this other person? Or was it just great and then things just fell apart?

 

I usually hate these types of questions because I know they will ultimately end with someone posting "you should have listened to them... how could you... why did you get married... blah blah blah". All of which are "20 / 20 is hindsight" type of comments and do nothing to serve the present.

 

There were many red flags... I had even told some friends/family about the fact that I wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore... but, I was met with "that is pre wedding jitters; ignore them and all will be fine.". Things were not great... we are two very different people. I'm open minded, he's not. I think in grey areas, he thinks in black and white... he has a WICKED temper (would never hurt me), I am so calm...

 

Interesting thing to note... MIL once said to my husband, "she does not love you; I can see it in her eyes!". However, since the lady hated me no matter who I was, hubby didn't say anything to me until after his Mom tried to hit me with her fist.

 

I come from a very stable, cohesive family and my parents were married, literally, until death did them part. I did not take my vows lightly and I have tried to be a good wife... I am 100% faithful and would never break that honesty with my husband because I respect him as a person. I love him like I would love a family member, just not as a sexual partner... it's been so very sad since I wanted to so desperately love him as much as he loves me... it just never came and here we are 3 years married... *sigh*

[kizzyfur]

Interesting thing to note... MIL once said to my husband, "she does not love you; I can see it in her eyes!". However, since the lady hated me no matter who I was, hubby didn't say anything to me until after his Mom tried to hit me with her fist.

 

Heck, babyblu, my BF's mother actually told me she feared his *then* wife would be the death of him.

[distiman]

She was great, we were head over heels, and then we started growing apart. It grew into her (not me) having affairs, and now we're splitting. When I look back at all the things we did together, I can't believe we're splitting.

 

Of course, we just had a baby and she's 8 years younger than moe, so.....

 

But to answer your question - complete bliss.

 

You have to take that chance.

[guy40az]

That's the really funny thing about my marriage there were no red flags at all both of us thought we were perfect for each other. Every one told us we had the best relationship they have ever seen. My family love her like a daughter and her family love me like there son (her family still feels that way about me. That I was the perfect man for her)

 

Our relationship was perfect in everyway until about 9 months ago. But before that it was great. It was a total shock to everyone when they heard we were getting a divorce, well it was a shock to everyone but her. So to answer your question there is no way to tell before hand if it is going to work or not.

[OhioSt8]

At what level do issues become a "red flag"? As we all know, everyone has things about them that we dislike, or that we find to be very different from ourselves, but we tend to accept them because there are so many other things about the person that we desire. This is human nature. So if you're looking for "red flags" with every partner you have, and you're basing a decision to get married on whether or not the flags are present, you'll never allow yourself to marry. I guess we just need to identify the issues we DO NOT like about our partner, then decide if they're something we can live with, and eiher ask the person to change them, accept them, or decide to not marry the person.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just maintain that tolerance and acceptance we have with our partner's faults when we first meet them? Seems very simple. The reason for the tolerance is because we're focused on the good things about them, not giving any time to the bad stuff. Why can't we do that after the "honeymoon period"? Is it a decision, or is it something we just cannot control?

[aphrodite24]

I have been married and divorced. There were red flags but I ignored them due to the fact that I didn't want to admit to myself that there was anything wrong. I wanted to believe that everything was fine when it wasn't. When I decided to get the divorce it took over a year just because he took off. I've learned my lesson about not jumping into things (especially marriage) head first.

 

THINK BEFORE YOU LEAP

[Abacab]

That's the really funny thing about my marriage there were no red flags at all both of us thought we were perfect for each other. Every one told us we had the best relationship they have ever seen. My family love her like a daughter and her family love me like there son (her family still feels that way about me. That I was the perfect man for her)

 

Our relationship was perfect in everyway until about 9 months ago. But before that it was great. It was a total shock to everyone when they heard we were getting a divorce, well it was a shock to everyone but her. So to answer your question there is no way to tell before hand if it is going to work or not.

 

Same here.... Excellent match, perfect couple... No sex until wedding night; where it all started to go downhill. We just weren't compatible... But kept it going for 19 years for the kid's sake...

[Shadows Light]

Red Flags? Yeah. So many I should have had "sun glasses on"... but he pushed them all aside for me. Said it was premarital jitters. Said he'd make it right. Said he'd be different from my dad, from my parents dismal marriage. Good book... "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner and she also wrote.."The Dance of Intimacy." What I've learned so far from her ...is that we pick up baggage from our first family and carry it over into our relationships. Both of us. Yes... I had a dear MIL too who warned him, warned him I had more problems than a chineese math book... because, 6 months before our wedding day, my parents split, after 25 years of unhappy marriage. We got married and one week later my parents divorce came through.

 

At times I ask myself.... was I only trying to run away from a bad situation... from the frying pan into the fire? I don't know. I thought I was in love. And I question that today too... for what is Love?

 

I read an interesting quote recently... "LOVE is loving someone no matter what. Expecting nothing in return. Loving them for who they are.. what they are... not trying to change them." According to this definition... No, I didn't love... for I saw POTENTIAL. HE had dreams, he had goals, he seemed like he had direction... somewhere along the line.. all that fell away. Dreams died. Goals diminished. Direction was status quo.

 

Instead of being taken care of... or should I say taking care of each other, I felt taken advantage of. Always givng more than I got. Pulling the plow for the both of us. Always thought MIL was at fault... she told me "YOU HOLD UP 3 corners of the house"... that just isn't right.

 

RED FLAGS? Yes. Drinking. Temper Tantrums. Apathy. and it just spiralled. Red Flag.. yep, but I did the marriage counseling bit... and even went to counseling for myelf. They said... "Run, Leave.... do it now." And I said..."oh no... if we only had children it would fix it." For an educated woman... How stupid could I have been.

 

And it continued.... verbal abuse, mental abuse... all control.

 

ON and ON... and I just snapped... one day I said.. "enough".... and it has not been an easy ride... am having so many guilty feeling. Am having so many second thoughts. Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? What will become of my children? How will this affect them? But I did it not only for myself but for my children.

 

He said... he flipped when his mother died. 3 years ago. True... the spiral took a sharp downturn then, but it was manifesting itself for years.

 

I'm learning so much about myself in this introspection. I'm learning that I am the way I am... because my mother "DID" for everyone for so long. I'm learning he is the way he is.. becuase his mother did the same... so he expects it.

 

I had a dream a few weeks ago. The dream scared me. It was reliving a night when my H. went nuts... over something totally unrelated to me or my children. He had had a fight with his brother. And he was in our kitchen screaming. Obsenities. Ranting and raving and swearing. My children were behind me... my youngest hiding behind my oldests back. My H. lost control and started to throw everything not nailed down and breaking things... I took my children and hid in a bedroom. And I called for help... family.. his, they never came. I made a mistake. I should have called the police. My dream that I relived?? instead of my husband... I saw my DAD. And it was my mother who stood between HIM and US. I was protecting my little brother... wanting to take him away and hide.. but not wanting to leave my mother. I woke up in a cold sweat.

 

I realize whats happening here.... my husband was turning more and more into my dad. And my father was a very physically and emotionally abusive man. I grew up in that.... and I didn't want my girls to grow up the same way. My husband was starting to treat my girls the way my dad treated me. His yelling and screaming at them... went from zero to sixty. So part of my leaving... was breaking the cycle. Breaking the dance... to save myself. To save my children... and if my H. ever wakes up... maybe to save him too. Maybe we can all grow to be better people. I don't know.

 

I tried a reconcilliation. We went to counseling 3 sessions. And I just shut down. I found myself retreating into my shell everytime H. was around. I couldn't help myself. And finally, he blew up again... took him 3 weeks to reach boiling point and lose patience with me. So, I kicked him out.

 

I've been reading a lot on relationships. Emotional and verbal abuse. And read that ...Most women will go back 3-4 times before they finally leave. And I understand why... because I am so scared on the other side.

 

So.. yes, the Answer to your question is YES..there were red flags. Red Flags that I thought could be overcome... no one is perfect. And maybe those RED FLAGS could have been overcome... had we or I not let them go on for so long. I don't know.

 

I'd like to believe that there is "LOVE" ever after. Or else, all the poets, writers, artists, and musician... were wrong. So very very wrong...and only in search of something that is like the fountain of youth and doesn't exist.

[dreamweaverdude]

Red Flags..... hehe bout like a flagman at the airport... but i didn't listen or care to on them.. Best friend's advice went on deaf ears to, but thankfully he doesn't rub it in my face (much). But yeah the signals were there, but I choose to ignore them and think I could 'work around the flags'.