Day 5 NC he contacts on day 3

[jan1968]

I hope anyone can advise me I'm going through a break up with my ex-boyfriend who ended it on Sunday night with his last text saying "all he can think about is me" I didn't know how to reply to it so I didn't. He says he still wants me but can't now due to issues I really don't want to go into at the moment. I started no contact because I knew i'd upset him and I need to get over him also I don't how to to speak to him at present so I thought NC was the best way. It's very hard at the moment as I've also lost both my parents in the last 5 years, I have lots of friends but its difficult when your an only child and an adult orphan I'm 43. My ex text me on Wednesday night (I was asleep) with the text saying "for someone who's supposed to love me so much and wants to make things better you aren't doing much about it" He didn't want me to contact him again ever after Sunday so I have'nt even though its killing me, why would he contact me when he asked me not to and respected his wishes so did'nt? I am so confused

[digdug]

I think you are doing the right thing. If he wants this, but has issues to sort through, then he needs to do that first and foremost. I am on the other end of this, as I am similar to him. I won't go into it, you can read some of my threads, but I have things I need to get through before I can have hope for any future with my GF, or anyone else for that matter. You can't love someone, or give yourself to them wholly until you are centered within yourself. Once you have done that, and can develop a relationship with someone on that basis, then can you only help each other through life together. Relationships are based on trust and love. It may not feel like it, but you are doing him a favor. If he is a true person, and honest with himself, he'll see that he needs to do this for himself first. If not, and he is relying on you to fix "him", then that is not a relationship, it's a therapy session. BELIEVE me, I think I've become the foremost expert in this area, lol.

 

Jan, good luck to you. Hang in there, and find comfort with your friends. I know you feel alone, anyone who goes through a break-up feels that way, but it's how you react and take control of it that defines you. You took a great step joining this place. It's a great start.

[jan1968]

Thanks for replying I have'nt been in a relationship for a long time prior to this one as my previous relationship before my parents died ended badly aswell, its just so hard is'nt it? I just don't think relationships are for me at the moment and I miss him too much to contact him so perhaps it is for the best. I hope you can find some peace because at the moment the only peace I have is when I'm asleep and thats hard to achieve at the moment. Thanks for listening

[digdug]

Relationships can be tough, but shouldn't be. If you don't think you're ready, then you probably aren't and that is totally ok. I thought I was ready and wasn't. Now, I'm paying for it. It's ok though as it's given me some insight into how I can grow from this. Peace will come once you look at yourself from the inside out. External forces (ie, needy boyfriends) are not what give you confidence. Use this website to help others, help yourself, and try new things. If you open your mind good things will happen. That IS a promise. I'm here to listen anytime. I'd love to see you get that sleep you deserve.

[jan1968]

Thanks thats really kind of you, it does'nt help my ex has been divorced and was badly hurt by his ex-wife we had a wonderful 2 years together and I really mean that but I've hurt him can't really say why at the moment, nothing to do with cheating just did'nt open up to him about something. I was ready for a lot more commitment not sure if he was because of his failed marriage but now all this happened I really do'nt want to contact him Sunday night was too painful for both of us.

[digdug]

Jan, I have to head out, but will back to you ... please keep your head up, and don't grip too much. It truly is ok to be sad in this, just think of your tears as droplets of strength falling from your eyes. He can be no good to you if he is not centered. I know this for fact. Take this time to gain strength. Once he finds his, he'll notice how good he had it. Then, if it was meant to be, you'll be in the position to decide for yourself, and draw upon the strength you so richly deserve and worked for.

[jan1968]

Thanks very much its a relief to talk to someone about it all my friends are very much in the "he's an a..hole" camp which does'nt help me in the least because he is'nt - thanks a lot have a good day, take care of yourself.

[jan1968]

Keep wanting to contact him and its only day 5 of no contact just wish I knew he was ok this is just awful have'nt felt this bad in a long time

[digdug]

Don't contact him, and just know he's ok. If he's not ok, it's not by anything you did. Hang in there, and work on yourself. It's hard, I know. I am not a selfish person at all, and it feels odd to be telling people on here to look out for themselves to gain strength, but concentrating on the object of your pain is not the way to get through, if it were, they wouldn't numb you before pulling a tooth.