peeps what you think of this?

[darksam1607306452]

ermm what do you think of the following poem, you can say what like, be critical thats what i want thanks :

 

As I look deep into your eyes

I realise you’re all that I need

All that I want

 

Such beauty and kindness you posses

 

Girl, I wanna build my future with you

I wanna share it with you

So allow me to come forth

And unravel my feelings for you

I need you

Thinking of ways that I can win your heart

I wait for the day that I can say you’re mine

 

I want to hold you, I want be close to your heart

Girl, I want to be with you

 

Are we meant for each other?

No doubt about it

But We’d neva know if we don’t give it a try

Girl I love you

[jowelle]

I like it...maybe change the "Girl I love you" part to "Babe I love you" just because it gives it some variation. Also,, unless this is to music, change the "We'd neva" part to "We would never" because I'm not sure I myself like the effect of "We'd neva", but that's just a personal thing anyways. Is this written by you? It's really sweet. I would feel sooo lucky to have a guy write poems/lyrics/whatever this is like that for me. Very sweet.

[zb]

how much do you know this girl? I mean if you are not already going out and very stead the whole "I want to be with you forever" type of thing might scare her off... I almost had that happen with my fiancee........you don't want to rush things to early....... the she is the one thing is sweet but it can also scare the hell out of some girls.

[darksam1607306452]

thanks for your suggestion and yes i did write that jowelle, i thought i'd show this poem i wrote to this girl so she can see the soft side of me but wanted it to be checked by u guys. the funny thing about that poem i wrote is that its kind of a cross between a song and a poem lol would sound nice with music BUT I CANT SING

 

Balhatain why do u say that girls might get scared? would u get scared jowelle?

[jarhead]

no afence but I think I'll agree with balhatian with the scaring her part. I mean if your trying to get her to notice you or like you it might scare her into thinking you're stalking her. no affence. it just might. I do like how you thought of the idea of a poem for her. that definetly has to tell her that you like her. Wish I knew how to write poems, maybe I wouldn't have the problems I have(see double trouble with girls). Talk to you later.

[zb]

well lets say you have just been friends... not even close friends.... you say hi to each other and thats about it... if you just go up to her one day and give her this love poem and spending your life with her and the whole 9 yards she may be seriously freaked. How would you feel if a girl came up and did such a thing? I mean yeah you might like it, but you might be like what the hell is wrong with her. YOu just need to slide in easy.... ask her out to a movie or something.... save the poems for a lil later. Be careful not to become to much of a friend to her... there is a point where you will be nothing more then a friend.

[darksam1607306452]

yeah i get you. check my new poem out you'll find it in the forum called 'thou shall not'

[DocZ]

how about u make it rhyme more, lol.. good overall

[Bakayurei]

hmm... nice poem.

 

 

 

i actually write poetry myself. the loneliness of adolescence, that sort of thing, only i don't write pretty flowery poetry. well: i have written one or two haiku about this girl i think i'm in love with. but i write mostly when i'm really, REALLY urined off. i write death-threats in rhyme to people i ate in the few moments i'm angry, it helps me to calm down.

 

 

none of the things i write would look good in print, though. the whole point of them is the way the letters look.

 

 

okay, enough about me. i reiterate, nice poem. it's nice to see a guy who doesn't try to impress girls by being all macho and dominant over her.

 

good.