Don't see the point of living anymore, please help

[starrysky]

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years decided to end our relationship last week. I am absolutley devastated, confused, shocked, hurt and cannot see a future for myself without him. He is such a wonderful person, and although our relationship was rocky at times and i was very hurt, we always saw it through and our time together was more good than bad. There are times in the relationship when i did question whether he was right for me, although it is hard for me to see that now. This was my third long-term relationship, and I have not been single since I was 17. When a relationship ended I went straight into another, I know I shouldnt have, but it seemed the only way I could cope. I really love my ex, and cannot come to terms with this being over. We were having a bit of a difficult time recently, not really getting on as usual, but I thought it would pass and everything would be ok. But then last week he decided to end it, he said that I deserved better than what he could give me. Since i think he is a wonderful caring person, I would not let him end it for that reason. But then he said his feelings for me had changed, and his love is just not the same. But when i asked him, he said it had only changed within the last week. I am in shock from what has happened. I tried to tell him that feelings of love do wax and wane, that's normal, but he said he couldnt be in a relationship with me anymore. I cried my eyes out and literally begged him not to leave me but it made no difference. I know they say about no contact, but I couldnt help myself. I know now it wasn't a good idea, as he sent me an email saying he has made the right decision. Even so, I feel so stupid, because I still want to contact him.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel my world has ended. I was sure I was going to marry this person. We even lived together for a year while at university (where we met). I just can't get over that he was once so in love with me, calling me his soulmate, and now i've been totally abandoned. If I could rewind, I would have taken better care of the relationship, i just always thought we'd be together. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and although I am trying to be rational about this and see a future, I just can't see an end to this pain. This churning stomach, heart of lead, shaking, feeling sick, weeping...i just cant see an end to it and have thought about ending my life. I feel that would be the only way out of this. Life just isn't worth it without him. Things i used to enjoy, even on my own, have no meaning anymore and I don't think there's any point. I am not strong enough to get through this, can somebody please help me? I don't think I will ever feel better, or be able to love again.

 

Please help

[Smile12]

Hi Starrysky, first off - I am really sorry you are in this situation. I was just in your situation last year. I had actually moved 800 miles away for my ex, and then 6 months later he ended it. I know how much it hurts. I know right now you are probably wanting answers.. because it's human nature to want some type of proper closure. However, I know it's very hard - but the worst thing you can do is contact him. He has obviously made his decision, and it doesn't sound like he is going to change his mind. I am going to throw this out there.. and I am not at all trying to hurt you, but it's just something that I must ask - do you think there is any chance that he's met someone new? It just seems quite strange to me that you two were together for such a long time, then his feelings changed in just one week? I later found out that my ex had actually left me for someone else. It sucks to know it, but I honestly felt better just knowing the truth.

[mactownman]

Same with me. I was with my ex for almost 3 years. Everything went from incredible, talking marriage, etc. to over in one week. Crazy and out of the blue. She said it was for typical BS reasons. Found out about a week later she was with someone else the night she broke up with me and they were now together. She had tried to hide it but one of my buddies found out and let me know. Haven't spoken to her since, probably never will again. Terrible stuff.

 

Just keep your head up. The first month or so is the worst but it gets alot better. Im about 5 months in and feeling fine. Getting my old self back. Doing new stuff. Enjoying the single life. Lean on your friends and family, they will help you get through these dark times.

[starrysky]

Thank you for your reply. Its comforting to know i am not alone. The thought had crossed my mind that he may have met someone, but if the best thing is to not contact him then how can i know? Do you think I should make contact again to ask? Having known him I don't think that would happen, but i guess everyone would say that about partners who have cheated or found someone else. I am so confused about the whole thing, and feel like i don't have any sort of closure because it just was so out of the blue. But then again I could have been very naive, someone else may have seen it coming. I just always thought we'd be together and now i don't see a point in living.

[donpeel83]

Hey Starrysky, feel your pain. Im currently going through my second BU from serious relationship and its hard. I, and probably you are doing this as well, are almost saying "whats the point?" after another failed attempt so to speak. However, I would urge you, and I, to remember that BU's are like a storm: One minute the waves are terrible, the water is rocky, and seems lost but eventually you reach calm waters by perservering. Yes, you are hurting at the moment and I feel for you. I broke up with my ex in March, was fed emotional breadcrumbs from her until une when she got a new BF and now im trying to move on. Its hard hun, and you will have more dark days going forward. The key is to believe in yourself and know that with time, you will get better and move forwards in life to where you want to be.

 

Chin up xx

[mactownman]

No, don't make contact. Nothing good will come from it. Even if you did ask him if he was seeing anyone else, he may not tell the truth.

 

Yes, we all thought we knew our ex's. We thought we knew them better than anybody. Truth is, people are not always who we think they are and/or people change. This is never more apparent than in a breakup scenario.

 

Stay no-contact. Its for the best. I have been strict NC and it is obviously the way to go. I have nothing to say to her. We are over and NC helps you accept that fact. You don't need "closure." Everything will become more clear with time.

 

There is definitely a point in living. This is just one of life's little curveballs. It's a time to focus on you and make your life better. Do what you want to do for a while, especially since you have not been single since you were 17. Do not jump into another relationship. Take some time out and collect yourself. Alot changes from 17 to 24 and you need to sort things out. You are young, see where you want to go from here. It's actually alot of fun. You will find someone else, someone better, that doesnt walk away from what you have to offer.

[meoww]

I've had similar experiences. I hadn't really been single I was 16 when my ex broke up with me. He was just one guy in a series of failed relationships. So as someone on the other side, you wouldn't believe how amazing it is to be independent after all this time and actually get through all the baggage that led to me always needing to be in a relationships.

 

None of this happened until I thought I lost 'the one.' I wanted to die too. For a while, actually. So I'm sure things will be very difficult for you as you go through the healing process. Just take yourself and your needs very seriously. You deserve the best! You'll be a better person because of this loss, and I'm sure you'll be able to show the next person how much you care in a much healthier way.

[starrysky]

Thank you donpeel83 and mactownman. The rational side of me knows what you are saying is true, but that part of me is so small right now. I just feel in constant pain and unable to perform daily activities even though I really am trying. I want to have courage to be single, to gain confidence and to do lots of things without worrying about someone else. But I have a great capacity to love and (i know its my anxiety) but i dont think i will ever find someone else. Its so hard to believe the positives when in such a dark place but I am trying my best. I don't have alot of friends to lean on, but i am going to try and meet new people by joining some classes so that i do not feel so alone. I know time has healed me before when I have been hurt, but the relationship always continued. This time it is completely over and i am so afraid of the unknown. I do not plan to get into another relationship as I know deep down I need to be able to alone and happy with myself. Its just really scary for me. I will make a promise to myself not to have any contact.

[Mystery Enigma]

Same with me. I was with my ex for almost 3 years. Everything went from incredible, talking marriage, etc. to over in one week. Crazy and out of the blue. She said it was for typical BS reasons. Found out about a week later she was with someone else the night she broke up with me and they were now together. She had tried to hide it but one of my buddies found out and let me know. Haven't spoken to her since, probably never will again. Terrible stuff.

 

Just keep your head up. The first month or so is the worst but it gets alot better. Im about 5 months in and feeling fine. Getting my old self back. Doing new stuff. Enjoying the single life. Lean on your friends and family, they will help you get through these dark times.

 

That's incredible, my ex was like this too. She was talking about the future and so forth one week and the very next week it was over. Her reason for that was because she was "happy" but why would you use such emotionally charged words to a person if you don't mean it? I'm presuming she did but her old ex got in the way and they ran off to live their fantasy.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, Starrysky. Things will get better, I was like this for a few short days before I got my act together. The world does not end with the departure of one person, it doesn't stop spinning so why are you standing still? Just focus on grieving and healing and in no time you'll find someone else. Just stay strong and you'll persevere.

[starrysky]

Thank you meoww, can you tell me a bit more about how you coped and got through? I desperately want to be independent and happy on my own. I can't see any hope right now.

[starrysky]

Thank you Mystery Enigma, its so comforting to know i am not alone. I know the world will keep on turning and I must go with it. Trying my hardest to be strong.

[donpeel83]

Some excellent points here: As previously mentioned, trying to initate contact will not have the effect you want. It will boost his ego, as he will know he has someone there who wants him. Also, he might tell you that he does have a new girl and that will kill you. So, just dont go there, walk away with your dignity and dont look back.

 

Also, agree again around the break. If youve spent 7 years in relationships, why not have some you time? Learn to embrace the being alone, dont fear it!!

[symbiot]

My BU is similar. Read the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" .This is w/o a doubt the hardest thing I've ever been through and that is saying a lot.

[meoww]

hello again...to answer your question, I have to admit time played a very big role in this. I did go the NC route because I was basically falling apart--I guess I would describe it as the worst case of denial I have ever had. I didn't want to rock the boat so I was pretending to be strong in hopes that I could eventually win him back. I couldn't believe that I wasn't actually getting married and starting my new life in a wonderful new city. So that dream took a really long time to die. I did all the things people tell you not to do when a relationship ends, every single one of them. (This was before starting NC)

 

Things finally got better when I cut all contact and forced myself into a bunch of new situations. I took a new job, traveled, volunteered for a friend's organization abroad, learned to do a bunch of things I always wanted to do, and basically improved every aspect of my life--education, looks, social life, hobbies, and worked on defining my own values more clearly. So I took some pretty extreme measures. I forced myself to be single for over a year! I did date on and off and met people while traveling but I was really conscious about not getting into a relationship with anyone who was anything less than perfect for me. I learned so much that year. I hardly recognize myself.

 

I don't get carried away with people who I know display emotional problems that I have a feeling will come back to bite me later. I have much higher expectations. I also think I became a much more loving and fun person to be around. If anything starts looking slightly twisted, I know how to back off now. I also attract much better people now. It's really been a transformative experience. I'm not panicked about being single now because I feel desirable and worthy.

 

I do think it's okay to grieve though. I needed to grieve a lot, for many reasons. It was after I finally stopped running away from all my emotions that I was able to start functioning normally. The problems ran deeper than I ever could have imagined. It's the first time I've felt stable since I first had my heart broken over 10 years ago, the first relationship I ever had ended in a betrayal where I felt really humiliated and I never really dealt with that even though obviously my high school self had pretty terrible taste. phew, this has been quite a mouthful.

 

I hope you can relate to my experience and find your own path to healing those undoubtedly old wounds for good. There is something much better out there for you! Just imagine, you almost became a wife who would constantly feel abandoned and unstable without her husband by her side, and now you have a chance to be truly fulfilled in a relationship and with yourself.

[starrysky]

I will try my hardest donpeel83. I want more than anything to be happy in my own skin and comfortable being alone. I don't know why the thought of not having someone is so scary, it just is.

And thank you symbiot, I will look that book up online. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced and I want to be a success story like so many people on here.

[Chelseagirlx]

Aw hun I totally and utterly feel your pain. My boyfriend finished with me 3 months ago and it has been the total worst thing I have ever been through in my life.... including weekends spent lying on my sofa with the curtains closed just wanting to be dead, not seeing the point in anything, no interest in doing anything I used to like, crying all the time even in public, the panic attacks, total inability to eat, shock, guilt, obsessing about him and every tiny detail of the relationship to find clues where it went wrong. I still sometimes feel it happened yesterday the pain is so raw at times and miss him like crazy (does not help I check his facebook every day - I keep telling myself I'll remove him but that is so hard to do) .

 

I am slowly getting through it with the help of a lot of good books (the two best ones are "Getting Past Your Break Up" by Susan Elliott, and as others have said on here "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson so definitely look those up on Amazon.) I also found lots of inspiring break up and moving on quotes online that I wrote out on nice little cards with pretty stickers on and stuck them around my flat, on the bathroom mirror whilst cleaning my teeth(!), bedroom mirror whilst drying my hair, anywhere you can see them every day.

 

I really find the books help you realise that every single emotion you are feeling is normal. I remember 6 weeks after it happened I honestly thought I was having a mental breakdown I was experiencing so many emotions, but all the feelings are NORMAL parts of the grieving process and you WILL get through them although you have to do a lot of 'recycling' through the different phases before you finally the light at the end of the tunnel. But you will slowly get there.

 

If the depression does not lift after a few weeks though do not be afraid of getting help, I had to go on a low dose of anti-depressants which I have been on for a month as I could not see a future at all, they don't stop you feeling the pain unfortunatley, but do allow you to function on a day to day basis.

 

Just remember you are not alone, and nearly EVERYONE has a horrible break up story in their lives somewhere. And when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up!! I'll find some of the quotes that helped me out and put them on here later!

[starrysky]

Thank you meoww, Your words have really hit home with me, especially what you said last. That's exactly what I would have been, possibly forever, and now life has thrown me this chance to get to know myself and do all the things i dreamed of as a child. I am trying to think that everything happens for a reason, and the only reason this didnt work out was because it wasn't meant to be. It is very scary for me to even think about being alone, not sharing my life with my ex, but i have to think of a better life and give myself this chance. I never allowed myself this chance because i was so afraid. I will try my hardest, thank you x

[Alison245]

Hi Starrysky,

 

Am so so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I can tell you that I'm going through something quite similar after my fella of 8 1/2 years has ended us....over the phone. Enough about my story but I can tell you it only happened this weekend and I truly wanted to curl up and sleep....forever. Sounds terrifying writing it down but I truly felt that there was no point to life as I picture him with me by my side through thick and thin. When the world caves in and they are the cause - its easy to feel completely alone and incredibly hurt. Please please take comfort that you are not alone. Spend time on here, talk to friends - let them in - talk to family. Take my advice and do small things in a day to look after you. Have a nice bath - walk to get some chocolate - switch off your phone for a bit - buy some new shampoo.....sounds so meanial and pointless but if theres anything to take from this - you have to live for you.

 

My fella has had brief - cold and awfully practical contact with me to discuss me collecing my belongings from our flat we shared for 2 years which is heartbreaking and incredibly tempting to fire back a flurry of texts. Even if no contact doesnt work to bring my fella out of his depression, I at least have a small amount of control in this unravelling story.

 

Please keep posting and talking on here as life is always worth living no matter how dark it seems. Just a little mantra that stopped me doing something reckless.......

 

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you,

until it seems as though you cannot hang on a minute longer,

never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

[meoww]

Thank you meoww, Your words have really hit home with me, especially what you said last. That's exactly what I would have been, possibly forever, and now life has thrown me this chance to get to know myself and do all the things i dreamed of as a child. I am trying to think that everything happens for a reason, and the only reason this didnt work out was because it wasn't meant to be. It is very scary for me to even think about being alone, not sharing my life with my ex, but i have to think of a better life and give myself this chance. I never allowed myself this chance because i was so afraid. I will try my hardest, thank you x

 

I was just about to edit that part out of my post because I thought it was a little presumptuous but I'm glad you caught it before I did. Your words have been a comfort to me as well. all the best in your healing~I hope you aren't too hard on yourself, especially for what has already happened.

[purrbaby]

Starrysky.... I'm almost in the same boat as you. I have not really been single or had time to myself since I was 16. I went from relationship to relationship (only 3 long term/serious ones) without hardly a break in between them. I'm now 31 and have just gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship that I felt was going nowhere. While it was my decision to end the relationship, I am still struggling and it still hurts because I really wanted the relationship to work, to move forward, blossom and develop into a future. However, he was not putting in the effort that it would take for it to work like that. I finally had enough (and got tired of waiting for him to fix some things that were wrong with him so we could move forward) and I ended it. NC has been hard. Even though I don't really have anything to say to him at this point and I know it's over, there is still a piece of me that wants him to contact me, to know he still cares, he's thinking about me. But I know that would be damaging to the healing process. I'm trying to be as strong as possible to get through it.

 

Meoww's experience is an eye opener for me too.... that's exactly where/how I want to be. I know I want to be single for at least a year. I want to explore myself, what makes ME happy, find new adventures/experiences and I'm glad I have the chance to do that now without feeling like I have to put someone else's happiness/feelings first.

 

 

Hang in there ok girlie, we're all here for you and we're all going through it too

[Hollyj]

Great advice has been given. I'm sorry for the way things ended.

 

I might also suggest you go on relationship hiatus. I t might be good to deal with things on your own for a while, instead of going from relationship to relationship. It will make you stronger !

[donpeel83]

Great advice has been given. I'm sorry for the way things ended.

 

I might also suggest you go on relationship hiatus. I t might be good to deal with things on your own for a while, instead of going from relationship to relationship. It will make you stronger !

 

I think this is potentially one of the most important things the OP should try to do. However, I appreciate it will also be the hardest thing for her today. Im in a similar boat where by ive been in relationships solid since 2007 and my knee jerk reaction is to find another gf, which im trying to fight against. I think the hardest moments are when your left with the cold emptiness of being alone. However, the key is to try and not cave into hat temptation and resist the urge to start looking for someone new. Easier said then done though so I feel for the OP as i will be a hard and difficult process, but one she can accomplish xx

[starrysky]

Thank you Chelseagirlx, i will look into buying those books. I will do absolutely anything to feel better. I am just really scared about how long it is going to take to heal, the pain is unbearable at times. I still can't really come to terms with what happened. As for the depression I have been on tablets for 5 years now. Before this happened i thought i was finally getting better, and now i am scared this will put me into another phase of depression. I really don't see the point in living without him and i don't know if that is normal to feel or if it is my depression. I feel I can't tell anyone this because it would upset my family, but i really do feel like dying. I already feel dead inside.

[starrysky]

Thank you Alison245. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and sorry that I can't say anything helpful to you. You are inspriational because you this has just happened to you and yet you realise that this is not the end of the world. I wish I was as strong as that. I just feel the pain is too much for me to bear, it makes me want to collapse on the floor it is so painful. I know that nothing ever stays the same, yet I am so scared I will feel like this forever.

[starrysky]

Hi purrbaby,

That is exactly how i feel. Even though i contacted him and he just reaffirmed how he felt about the breakup, i still want to contact him. Even though it made me feel worse when i heard from him. How did you cope when you really felt the urge to contact him? What did you do to make that feeling go away?

I really want to be happy on my own more than anything, i just do not think i am strong enough. There is a gaping hole inside me and I just want to feel relief. I am afraid of carrying on and i am afraid of giving up. The pain seems to get better throughout the day and in the evenings i feel the smallest bit of hope that i will get through this, only to wake the next morning to find the same churning stomach and utter despair. People have been so kind on here and given great advice, i just don't know if i can get through this.