How to have this conversation

[acoustic7]

Hello! Well, I feel pretty alone in this, though I'm hoping for a little help from "e-notalone."

 

About three months ago, I met a guy on a sort-of "blind date." At the time, we both decided we'd be better off just as friends. He was new to the city, and not settled, and had just gotten out of a really serious relationship. Blah blah blah. At any rate, we have spent a little time together since then, but have "clarified" recently that we are "just friends." I didn't feel any sparks anyway, and I'm certain he didn't either. But he was brand new to my city, so I invited him to social stuff so he could meet people and get out. At the time, I really didn't have any other motive than to help him make new friends.

 

However... I really don't feel just friendly feelings for him anymore; my feelings have grown a whole lot. I really like him. I'm really attracted to him. But I told him I was cool with just being friends, because he was acting weird like he could tell I liked him, and because, well, why not? There's nothing I can do to make him attracted to me. Plus, I didn't want to weird him out. He's gotten settled in with my group of friends here, and I wouldn't want him to start over again.

 

But here's the thing: He's taken to talking about the possibility of finding someone new soon. He's starting graduate classes soon, and maybe he will find someone there. Or at church. Or, our now mutual friends will talk about how he needs to find someone to date. And it KILLS me. I hate having to sit there at the pub and just laugh it off in front of everyone but die a little bit inside.

 

How can I tell him that though I am (allegedly) cool with just-friends, I would strongly prefer NOT to hear about his aspirations to meet someone new (and cute, and this and that that I could never be to him)? I feel like if I tell him I don't want to hear about it anymore, he will know that I have feelings for him, and then we won't be friends anymore.

 

What is your advice?

[agatha]

I'd spare my heart a bleeding and talk things through before it got any more complicated than you already made by concealing your true feelings behind a false statement. Really, you've known each other for three months, are both available, and still entitled to a change of mind.

 

And as much as you wouldn't like him to eventually go searching for a new group of friends, if that is needed, better sooner then later.

 

just curious: why are you not-attractive-cute-and-funny-enough-for-him-to-like-you?

[acoustic7]

Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it. It's one of those things where I can't really talk to anyone about it.

 

I didn't purposely conceal my true feelings behind a false statement. I never said I didn't want him; I simply agreed that we are just friends, because we are just friends. However, it is true that I have attempted to conceal my true feelings. Sometimes, I think, it might be better to just let it be, you know? When he's not interested in anything more. I'm still not so sure that I should further complicate things by admitting that I have feelings for him. Maybe this is something I just need to work through for myself.

 

The reason I don't want him to find new friends wasn't for my own benefit (though I'm really glad he's sticking around!) but for his -- because he's brand new to the city, I don't want him to be alone again. That's why I got him involved with my social circle from the start; when I did that, it wasn't because I wanted more than friendship, because I didn't want more than friendship. Initially, I wasn't attracted to him; I genuinely just like to use my connections for good, and this was a guy who needed some friends. But as I got to know him better as a friend, feelings and attraction started to develop. But the reason I wouldn't want him to have to go and find new friends again is because he'd have to start over from scratch all over again, and I genuinely wouldn't want that for him. If that were the case, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to say something about my attraction to him.

 

And... I don't think he's attracted to me for the same reason other men haven't been attracted to me. I am larger than other girls are. Not obese in any way, but just more "solid" than other girls are. His ex-girlfriend is very slender and graceful. I'm not ugly, and I do have a friendly and fun personality (not a loud personality though; I'm moderately quiet but I'm friendly). But, I am a larger woman than others are, even when I am the fittest I can be. And a lot of times, I think that this is what causes men to want to befriend me rather than date me. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, I'm just saying that I think this is probably what's going on. I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself though, and I'm not angry about it.

 

At any rate, thank you again for your response! I really do appreciate it. I would love to just tell him how I feel and be done with it. But I don't know if that would be a selfish move on my part, if it causes him a lot of unnecessary discomfort with our friends. If I told him that I am attracted ho him, how would that benefit him? I feel like it might only benefit myself, and to no end.

[Fern]

If you tell him without putting any pressure on him, you will be fine. You WILL feel better for having laid it o the line and even if his answer is 'no' - at least then you'll know and be able to concentrate on getting past your feelings. I had to do something similar recently with a guy I was kind of seeing and after he turned me down I STILL felt better. It was the constant stressing about whether he felt the same which was driving me mad, rather than the feelings I had developed for him. Just put it out there that you'd be up for dating him and seeing if the two of you click, but that if he doesn't feel the same, that's cool too because you like having him as a friend. Even if he doesn't return your feelings he'll be flattered. And who knows? Maybe knowing you like him might allow him to start seeing you in a new light.

 

What you DON'T want to do is tell him he can't talk about finding romance when you're around. That's unfair and smacks of childishness. I suspect the simple fact of getting it off your chest will enable you to calmly deal with whatever reaction you get.

[agatha]

Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it. It's one of those things where I can't really talk to anyone about it.

 

I didn't purposely conceal my true feelings behind a false statement. I never said I didn't want him; I simply agreed that we are just friends, because we are just friends. However, it is true that I have attempted to conceal my true feelings. Sometimes, I think, it might be better to just let it be, you know? When he's not interested in anything more. I'm still not so sure that I should further complicate things by admitting that I have feelings for him. Maybe this is something I just need to work through for myself.

 

how the concealing happened is not important, your feelings are now buried beneath the "just friends statement". you can say you were just stating a fact, but we know he listened "we are just friends and that's where I'd like to keep it". I know what kind of hard time you've been having, thinking it would be better just to keep it to yourself. I thought so too, for the last five years or so. until it reached a point where everything is so messy I just want him out of my life and an end to the effin drama.

 

The reason I don't want him to find new friends wasn't for my own benefit (though I'm really glad he's sticking around!) but for his -- because he's brand new to the city, I don't want him to be alone again. That's why I got him involved with my social circle from the start; when I did that, it wasn't because I wanted more than friendship, because I didn't want more than friendship. Initially, I wasn't attracted to him; I genuinely just like to use my connections for good, and this was a guy who needed some friends. But as I got to know him better as a friend, feelings and attraction started to develop. But the reason I wouldn't want him to have to go and find new friends again is because he'd have to start over from scratch all over again, and I genuinely wouldn't want that for him. If that were the case, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to say something about my attraction to him.

 

very noble of you, but he's a grown man, he will survive on his own until he finds another group that can accept him. and better now then later, when he may already have become more friends to your friends than you. quoting my therapist "this is not about him, it's about you"

 

And... I don't think he's attracted to me for the same reason other men haven't been attracted to me. I am larger than other girls are. Not obese in any way, but just more "solid" than other girls are. His ex-girlfriend is very slender and graceful. I'm not ugly, and I do have a friendly and fun personality (not a loud personality though; I'm moderately quiet but I'm friendly). But, I am a larger woman than others are, even when I am the fittest I can be. And a lot of times, I think that this is what causes men to want to befriend me rather than date me. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, I'm just saying that I think this is probably what's going on. I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself though, and I'm not angry about it.

 

and here's the main reason of all the above bs. you think he's got more 'market value' than you do, and that you are not his type. either you are angry, sad, or have simply conformed to being larger (though if you could you would be smaller), it shows. and he'll pick on that vibe. you know, I've spent my last two years of college lusting (yeah, lusting) for a nerdy, fat guy with the cutest ears ever. he was all the time mean to me, and I thought I was not his type - I was tall, skinny, am a mixed breed (his parents are germans). at one of those moments only the knowledge that you are too drunk to be held accountable and the knowledge that you'll never see each other again in a long time allows, he told me he really found me amazing and that he wished he'd had the courage to tell me sooner, but he was afraid I wouldn't reciprocate. human hearts are way more complicated than we think. I've dated for years guys that preferred 'solid girls' but liked me enough to not care for my lack of meat. just because you prefer bacon doesn't mean you'll eat only bacon for the rest of your life. unless, of course, it proves to be the most awesomest bacon in the world = )

 

At any rate, thank you again for your response! I really do appreciate it. I would love to just tell him how I feel and be done with it. But I don't know if that would be a selfish move on my part, if it causes him a lot of unnecessary discomfort with our friends. If I told him that I am attracted ho him, how would that benefit him? I feel like it might only benefit myself, and to no end.

 

you are always welcome, dear = ) and here I agree with Fern - you will feel better, and that's what really matters. after all, being all stuck up on how you feel towards him without him being obtainable (because ultimately he doesn't know how you feel, and or thinks he has been friendzoned for good) will only make you tense, sad, nervous, fidgety, stressed out. negative feelings are never attractive, let's agree.

 

and yeah, don't try to define what are or are not conversational topics. friends are friends because they can talk about anything.

 

good luck = )

[Rose30]

I think you need to think about yourself and your own well being before you think about his.

 

I think there are few things more painful then staying friends with a guy you have feelings for who doesnt share the same feelings. You might want to mention casually that you're up for possibly dating and see what he says, but if he doesn't see you in that way it will be very difficult for you to be friends with him. If it was me and I had feelings for a guy who didn't feel the same way I probably would not remain friends, at least for a while to get over your feelings before you can actually really be friends. You might want to suggest not seeing each other for a couple of weeks/months until you are over your feelings for him, and who knows in the meantime you might meet someone wonderful and not even care.

 

But remember to take care of yourself before worrying about him and his feelings and his/your friends.

 

Good luck