Advice Needed, I think he's crazy

[trpyangel]

My Story is really long if I can get all of the details together. My fiance and I have been together for just over a year. Our whole relationship has been really screwed up. My previous boyfriend and I broke up, and my current fiance was his best friend, and we got together the day after my ex and I broke up. At first I was drawn to him, we were so connected it was almost scary, anytime I would go to call him my phone would ring and it would be him. Anytime we were together, we would be finishing each others sentances and stuff like that. Our whole relationship has been very intense, and so many things have happened since we got together.

Last july he cheated on me, snuck out of the house while I was sleeping in his bed and had sex with this girl that lived nearby. I didnt find out about it until we had broken up temporarly, and he used that to through it in my face and make me hurt more than I already was. During the time we had broken up I was seeing someone I worked with, but I always ended back up in Dustins arms. We got back together after about 6 weeks, and things were better, but they've continued to roll downhill since he proposed last March. He controls pretty much everything I do. We live at his parents house (I'm 21, he's 19) and he currently doesnt have a job. The small town we live in is partially to blame for that. There isnt very many places to go in our town. But I constantly feel aweful about our relationship now. I drive an hour to get to work, thereforeeee with an 8 hr shift, I'm gone almost 12 hours a day, and he's sitting at home, obsessing about me. He's convinced that I'm cheating, which I would never do, but I think since he cheated he thinks I'm going to do it just to get back at him. After everything we've been through, am I wrong to want out of this? I know how great we can be together, but we havent even had a good day together in...well, I cant remember the last. I'd really like some input here. Let me know what you think.

[nomore]

I think you are just confused as of what a healthy relationship is. How can you consider someone your soulmate and companion when he cheats on you??? AND if that's not enough, he seems to be a control freak. Do you really want to live the rest of your life being told what to do and what not to do? For god sake, he snuck out of the bedroom where you guys sleep and had a quicky with some other girl. He is a world class arrsehole.

 

This relationship was over from the time he cheated on you, period. What is the reason you are staying with him anyway? House? Your marraige is just not going to survive a year or two, trust me. He has all these doubts about you going behind his back, sooner or later, all these thoughts will get to him and he'll go on a rampage cheating behind your back to ease himself down. Pack your stuff and move on with you life. It's hard but think about all the things you can accomplish w/o him.

[trpyangel]

I've tried to leave so many times. We arent married, but every time I try to leave he either hides my car keys, lays underneath my car if I can make it out there, or whatever he can do to keep me from leaving.

[Mermaid]

This is a very unhealthy relationship, and if you've tried to leave and he won't let you, then it's also an abusive one.

 

You need to get help, and fast--this could potentially become a violent situation. If you don't extricate yourself from this relationship now, you'll just get in deeper and may find yourself an abused wife with small children to worry about as well.

 

When you're at work, make some phone calls to relatives or friends who can help you. And if you have no one like that, then you need to call the police. His behavior is that of a very unstable person, and it will only get worse as time goes on, making it more and more dangerous.

 

Good luck!

[dotneter]

If he won't let you leave the easy way, do it the hard way. Pack what you really need and put it in your car at night. When you leave for work the next day, just don't come back. Borrow money, go in debt--do anything, but get out of there. If things are bad right now, they will only get worse later. You don't want to find yourself 40, married to a dead beat, working two jobs to support him and with a self esteem so bad that you think you deserve worse.

 

Be honest to yourself: you're a spoiled brat's toy. He doesn't want you as much as he did when he first got you (clearly, since he cheated), but he still doesn't want anyone else to have you so he won't let go.

 

Be good to yourself. You deserve better.

[trpyangel]

Ok, I'm not making excuses for him, merely further explaining our situation. These are things he does every day: Says 'I love you so much' at least 100 times, tells me I'm the most important thing in the world to him, says he cant/wont live without me, has a fit if I dont french kiss him, the list goes on. He has changed so much since we got together, he used to do alot of really stupid things (like drugs) and now he only smokes pot, which I know isnt good either but its alot better than taking 30 cough/cold pills to trip. So no one thinks there is any way that he/me/we could try to get therapy and fix things????

[nomore]

None of us is there and we are not fully aware of the situation and extend of your relationship with your partner. As far as drugs, the chances that he will relaps is high; perhaps he is just staying low for a while but if his conviction is not strong, he'll refuge to drugs.

 

It is up to you to decide. If he is acting irrationally and won't even let you physically distance yourself from him, no one knows what he'll do in the future. I can see you are having a hard time saying no to him. Maybe because, you have a low self-esteem and need someone to validate you everyday. It is not uncommon for people to feel an urge to be loved all the time. But you need to break the ice and get out of this relationship because it is not going to take you anywhere, if not down. Be smart and get out while you can. Again, the way you described his behavior, he sounds a bit psychatic and generally speaking, I'll stay away from people like that.

[Mermaid]

These are things he does every day: Says 'I love you so much' at least 100 times, tells me I'm the most important thing in the world to him,

 

My boyfriend does the same thing; the difference is that we have a very healthy relationship, and we really love each other. In your boyfriend's case, the above seems like a clear case of manipulation: he knows he's treating you badly and he's making sure that you won't leave.

 

says he cant/wont live without me

 

This is an even more direct way of controlling you: by saying he won't live without you, he's making a not-so-veiled threat that if you go, he'll take some type of drastic measure, whether it's against you or himself.

 

has a fit if I dont french kiss him, the list goes on.

 

What if you refuse to have sex with him? Would he try to force you?

 

Honey, no offense to you but the guy is bad news and you need to get out. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if anyone in this thread told you otherwise, we'd be enabling you to continue this potentially dangerous situation. Like nomore said, none of us are there to witness things in person--but from what you describe, you've got yourself a troubled, sick boyfriend and you need to let him go.

[trpyangel]

I finally did it. I moved out yesterday morning. But why do I feel so aweful? I mean, I'm completely aware of how screwed up he is, and I've known for a while that I needed to leave, but after everything he's put me through, I still love him with all my heart. He says now that he sees how horrible he's been to me, and that he's going to get some therapy, and get a good job and get his own place (we were living with his parents) and that he's going to prove to everyone, himself first and foremost, that he is a good person, and that he can provide a good life for me/us. I know it will take a whole hell of alot, but if he can get some serious therapy and work through his problems, I might give it one more chance. I'm sure everyone will think that may be a bad idea, but I love him so much, and if things arent completely different it'll be over before it starts.

[Mermaid]

Well, I'm glad you moved out--and hey, he's agreed to get therapy, which is a big step. Just don't get back together with him until he's proven to you that he's really going through with regular therapy, and that he's changed. In other words, call his bluff.

 

Good luck.