Is it a rebound or not?

[JEastern]

Greetings, I just found out today that my ex-girlfriend has been dating someone for the past two weeks. She told me during the break-up that she wasn't interested in anyone and had no interest in dating. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut...again, but I'm slightly not surprised. The details of the break-up are in a few previous threads I've started, I just don't want to type it all out again.

 

Long story short, she broke up with me at the end of May/beginning of June so it's roughly been about 1.5 months to transition. My question to all the ENA'ers out there, is this considered a rebound relationship? What are the time frame dynamics for this sort of stuff.

[LaKings55]

There are no time dynamics. It could very well be a rebound, or she could have lied to you. She may have taken an interest in this guy while you were still together, in which case, she distanced herself from you. My ex gf and I were together about a year, 6 months of friendship prior while she was getting out of another relationship. She told me she didn't have time for a relationship. Three weeks later, she was dating again. They've already broken up from what I understand, but still, shows that her feelings for me dropped off, and she lied to me. Do I really want someone like that in my life? Nope

[guest777]

LaKings55, I find it interesting that you said you became friends with your ex by helping her through a break up. My ex started to get friendly with a girl that had just been dumped. I thought he was being a nice guy and helping her out, but then they started spending alot of time together. My ex asked for a break, but mainly spent it with her. People said that they were together constantly and if they weren't then they were texting eachother. Her breakup was 4 months prior to ours. Of what I understand, no one knew what their relationship was... just friends or more. They say that my ex is alot different now and no one cares to hang out with him especially when hes with her. Within a month of us breaking up, they had planned to go on a 3 week european vacation just the two of them. 6 months after our breakup, when they were on their trip they became an official couple.

 

I'm interested in knowing what went down in those 6months for you and your ex before yall started dating. Did you not think she was rebounding? or how did you know she wasn't?

[LaKings55]

No, I was not helping her through a break-up. We knew each other as kids, and reconnected through a mutual friend. We just hung out as a group, but her and I had a lot of conversations about a lot of things. When she broke things off with her ex, she did come on to me pretty strong. I held off for a few more months, just kept everything light and friendly. Then we went out a few times just the two of us, and things just progressed nicely from there. I always had it in the back of my mind that she may have been using me to get her ex jealous, but he had moved a few states over, so I didn't care. We had a lot of the same friends, we were having fun, things were good.

[LaKings55]

It wasn't until after about 3-4 months post break-up, and a few times just going out without the group that she started hinting that she wanted us to become a couple. I just let things progress naturally.

[JEastern]

Yeah, I guess she did lie. I thought it would have been more time until this happened, but I guess I'm not that surprised. Big kick in the gut though.

[LaKings55]

Yep, hurts. Of course, all it means now is that I definitely will never speak to her again, and I have that many more red flags to look out for in future relationships. I will not wear my heart on my sleeve or get emotionally attached until farther down the road. I will remain guarded, and I will never turn a blind eye to the obvious again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I thought at 23 I had dated enough to know when I was being played, but this was the big one. This was that one relationship that wakes you up, that feels so great that you think it can't be wrong. But when you learn the truth, you're so broken and messed up you have to literally tear yourself away and never look back.

[Wildcars]

JEastern, i can relate to you 100%..

 

This is my realization:

 

1. She lied to you, obviously this has been going on behind your back.

2. She obviously slowly got over you the past month, or even earlier.

3. It was a decision she made very rationally especially when there's someone involved, as they compare and make a decision.

 

But what you need to do is go into NC straight, let their relationship play out, respect her decision, and see where that takes them. Don't waste your time in thinking of what they are, are they serious, etc etc. Carry on with your life..

 

I know it's hard, but i'm doing it right now, and we were dating for 6 years, and she was my fiance! But sometimes all things happen for a reason! and if she is yours, she will always be yours. No matter what happens. So let faith takes it's course..

 

And in my case, the guy was a re-bound, even thought they been chatting for a month after I caught them out, and it didn't last, it never lasts, well, AT LEAST IN MY EXPERIENCE..

[Mustachio]

Maybe its a rebound, maybe not.

 

Rebound is just a word we place on things to make ourselves feel better about the situation. The fact is she is dating someone else, whether its a rebound or not is inconsequential. You are broken up, I know how hard it is, but you need to get to a point where it doesnt matter.

[JEastern]

I've been in NIC since the breakup. She tried the "I miss you, can I call you" line, and when she called, it had nothing to do with our relationship. We talked a lot for that next week until I called her out on the mixed messages. Since then, there has been little communication. There was a random phone call, some texts, but nothing of any substance. I always wondered if she was trying to reach out, but was scared to, or if they were breadcrumbs.

 

I almost caved yesterday and called her up, but I held back. Since we work for the same company, the chances of seeing eachother at work exist. We all hear we have to do what's right for us, well, I want to be able to coexist at work with her, but now I'm just feeling angry at her.

[Edmund Exley]

I've been in NIC since the breakup. She tried the "I miss you, can I call you" line, and when she called, it had nothing to do with our relationship. We talked a lot for that next week until I called her out on the mixed messages. Since then, there has been little communication. There was a random phone call, some texts, but nothing of any substance. I always wondered if she was trying to reach out, but was scared to, or if they were breadcrumbs.

 

I almost caved yesterday and called her up, but I held back. Since we work for the same company, the chances of seeing eachother at work exist. We all hear we have to do what's right for us, well, I want to be able to coexist at work with her, but now I'm just feeling angry at her.

 

The first bolded statement is she really wasnt interested in anything, she just felt like being on the phone with someone. Probably bored.

 

The second bolded statement shows that she has no interest in any kind of reconciliation. She tried to friend zone you, you called her on it and she stopped contacting you.

[Gerda]

Take heart--rebound or not, almost all relationships end. I'd say...99%. And people rarely change, so if she treated you shoddily, she will probably do the same thing to this guy, if it even gets that far--and frankly two weeks is nothing.

 

I would not say she exactly "lied" to you. Any time any of us say, "I don't want to date right now..." what we really mean is "I don't want to date any of my current prospects, including you." There are people who sincerely thought they did not want a relationship, but ended up finding somebody who changed their mind. But then again, it's probably best to take the "I don't want to date right now" as a gentle let-down.

 

Also, you gotta be careful what you ask a romantic interest, because sometimes you are just asking to be lied to. It would take a lot of courage for a person to say, "Well, yes, you know our coworker Joe? I think he's cute and I think he might like me, too." I mean really. I pride myself on my honesty and I cannot conceive of any universe in which I would say such a thing during a breakup, no matter how true it was.

 

JEastern, I know how you feel. My ex started actively pursuing somebody immediately (we are talking the next day) after our split, but proceeded to string me along with the "I need some time" BS. (There's another gentle let down.) I literally thought I might die from heartsickness. Three months later they made it official. Because of the crappiness that is Facebook, I was able to watch the entire thing unfold online, from friendliness to flirtation to commitment. It sucked. Now he tells me he doesn't think he ever really loved me. Sigh....sometimes you just have to laugh

[JEastern]

I'm coming to realize that most people don't change. My ex didn't understand why I had my guard up at the beginning, so I explained to her about my past relationship that scarred me and how I wasn't ready to let anyone in. She claimed she wasn't like anyone I've ever dated, yet it all went down like I had seen in the past. Also, she started to act towards me the same way she acted towards her ex-husband and other guys she dated before me. I even called her out on it before she was even aware of it. In fact, she reminded me of someone I dated a long time ago, and the outcome was somewhat similar.

 

I think I'm at the "angry" stage right now, I'm angry at her for using me, I'm angry at her for moving on so fast, I'm angry at her for all the hurtful things she said to me like calling me a 2-year old while I was expressing my feelings to her. I'm angry at myself for going against everything, ignoring the bucket of red-flags and dating a coworker and a good friend I did not EVER want to lose.

 

My biggest regret, one I would do anything to take back...is losing my friend.

[Gerda]

You are correct, most people don't change. There are people who leapfrog from one relationship to the next, as though they can't bear being single--maybe she is such a person. Cheaters are another type of person, and they usually don't change either. Liars are almost always liars.

 

I understand your sadness about losing your friend. Oh man did I feel that way recently, I thought that was the worst part of the whole thing. For three months he didn't feel compelled to talk to me, and during those three months I became happy without him. I would probably consider him one of my worst friends ever. Now I realize--he abandoned me at the lowest point in my life, totally abandoned me, hung me out to dry, left me hanging, you name the cliche. He could have been my friend at that time, even if he didn't want to be romantically involved, all I was asking of him was a "hello" once a month or so. But he couldn't be bothered, he was too busy out trying to win another girl's heart--is that the behavior of a friend? Absolutely not. On the day of our split, I told him I was starting to see a counselor because my doctor was concerned about my mental health, and I also told him I was starting to take anti-depressants on her recommendation--again because she was worried about me. He chose the night I told him those things to split with me, and he didn't just split with me--he was a jerk, blaming me for everything. He actually said, "I'm tired of dealing with you blowing things out of proportion, aim your emotional cannon at somebody else for a change." Then he lied to me. "Oh, I haven't replied to your emails because...I don't have internet. I will reply Monday." Yeah right. Not only did he most certainly have internet, but of course he didn't reply Monday, nor Tuesday, nor Wednesday, except to apologize and ask for an extension because he had to "get his thoughts together." (Meanwhile he was with his new girl this whole time.) THEN....when he finally replied he misspelled my name, not a month after we split--and he didn't even apologize, just blew it off. Would you believe after all that the guy wants to be "friends just like we were before"? Psh...

 

Sorry for going off-topic into my own problems, I needed to vent I guess. Just hang in there, I promise things will get better.

[JEastern]

Gerda, that's such a sad story. It's always good to vent, that's why we're all here. It's amazing how people can do stuff like this to other people, especially those who we thought we were in love with.

 

During the last full month of our relationship, we became very close. We were at a one-month job training thing together which meant she was away from her two kids the whole time. It was starting to eat away at her, so whenever something was bothering her, she took it out on me. Whenever I would voice my concerns about something, which I did from time to time in a very calm way, she got mad at me. I became her punching bag. The thing is, I let her do it. I did it out of love. I spent that whole month taking all of her crap because I understood her situation. The thing is though, I started to believe everything she got mad at me for was my fault and even right now, I have a hard time convincing myself it wasn't. I was the one who had her sit with me in the stairwell so we could smooth things out. I never wanted to go to sleep knowing there was anger. Once we started this new job with our company, which involved a lot more interaction with the public, I got thrown to the wolves. We had an argument about something stupid which was fueled by arguing over text. She really hurt me, and in turn, she said the way I handled the argument made her look at me differently. I voiced my disappointment and how I was hurt and that she disregarded the arrangement we had and showed no courtesy for me. She claimed from that point on she started convincing herself out of being with me.

 

As I've said before, I'm angry at myself for not acting on the red-flags. I do want my friend back, in good times we made a great pair of friends. Now, I'm trying to figure out how I can do that, if it's even possible.