i can't stop crying. situation with my dad.

[wicked6018]

this may be confusing. not sure if anyone has ever dealt with something like this.

 

i have mostly posted in the "healing after breakup or divorce" section, because i just went through a break up two weeks ago. it was an engagement, in fact, and i've devastated but dealing with it the best that i can.

 

first of all, i love my father so, so much.

 

i haven't been able to talk to my dad about the situation, and frankly, i don't want to talk about it with anyone really. my family knows we are broken up, i've talked about it a little with my mom and sister, but that's it.

i just want to leave it alone, vent on this site, and act as happy as possible around my family.

 

the past six years, problem after problem have seemed to follow me. my parents have been through the ringer with me, having to seek professional mental and physical help for me.

i have felt like such a burden these past six years.

i have seen both of my parents cry over me, and that is the worst thing ever, to know that my problems have hurt them so. seeing my dad cry when i have is heart-wrenching, because he is my dad, he's a guy, he rarely ever cries.

 

today, he came into my room and proceeded to tell me that he is writing a series of letters to me because there is wisdom that he wants to pass on the me that he feels he cannot express in a sit down conversation.

i knew right then that this would upset me.

 

he brought me the "letters" a little while ago, telling me that i could read them now, later, or never. i told him i don't know why he would think i would never want to read them. he basically said, "whatever, they are for your disposal."

 

i read them.

they made me cry.

 

after reading them, i feel what i have felt for a long time about my dad.

i feel like he thinks that all he is to me is a material provider and protector.

he is so much more than that to me.

i feel like he thinks that i have no desire to spend time with him or even have a relationship with him.

i do.

i feel like he thinks he has been such a failure in parenting me.

he hasn't been. he is the greatest father ever.

 

i can't explain what he said in his letters, but this is the gist of what i got out of them.

he said there are many more to come.

 

he titled them, "Conversation," and this in itself hurts me. That he doesn't feel like he can't sit and have a conversation with me.

 

i always, always have felt these things about my dad.

i've always tried to let him know that i love him SO much, i DESIRE a strong relationship with him, he is a WONDERFUL father and that none of my problems are because he was a failure in any way.

 

no matter what i do or tell my dad, i think he will always feel this way.

 

help.

[DieTeufelKatze]

I think you should tell him that you appreciate the letters (that is to say, if you indeed do), and maybe either try to talk to him and explain to him what you've said here - that he is a great father and that you would like to have a better relationship with him.

 

He sounds a lot like my grandfather, who was more of a father figure to me than my own dad, but could not express himself emotionally like that at all. The fact that your dad took the time to write those letters meant he was putting himself out there a little, and you should acknowledge that.

 

My grandfather died this last January, and though I'd never totally expressed my gratitude to him, I was fortunate enough to spend his last day alive at his bedside with my family. Although he was in a morphine-induced state of non-responsiveness, we all talked about all the wonderful things he had done for us as a grandfather, and the last things I said to him as he was passing away was that I loved him very much and that he had been the best grandfather ever. I am glad I was able to say those things to him while he was still here, and even if he couldn't respond I believe he could hear us. My point is, it's very important to let them know how much they mean to us and that they are wonderful parents.

 

I'm sorry you're going through such a troubling time, but maybe it is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your dad?

[wicked6018]

thanks. i may try to talk to him. it's just hard and i don't know why

[huiru]

My father also chooses not to communicate often with me.The longest "conversations" we have are also on letters. He writes me one for each of my birthdays, about three to four typed pages. But even those, now, are song lyrics which he says "express what he wants to say" rather than writing anything. I understand the pain of the disconnection, and the guilt that you might have done something wrong.

 

If I could do it all again I would say that you should talk with your father, before it gets to the point that he becomes indifferent about your life, which is what has happened to me. There is a point when people just give up on each others' relationships. I know it is hard to talk to your father. You might feel like you've been a burden and behaved "wrongly" and that's why he thinks he is only your material provider and protector. But it will be hard to near impossible if to talk to him if it gets to the stage where that's all he wants to be.

 

Keep strong, and there is nothing wrong with tears Cry it out if you have to, in the moment.