IN DESPERATE NEED OF ADVICE...

[JTS]

My ex and I have been officially broken up since mid April. We go to the same college however I am two years older than her. We broke up after about seven months because she wanted freedom because she always has had a bf. We broke up however still hung ocasionally but talked every day. Her actions were a little shady,(just cuz she didnt want to act like bf and gf. I wanted to act like we used too) but she was still madly in love with me.When we were alone we would be all over eachother like nothing was wrong but out in public when her friends were around we had to act like we werent going out for awhile.

After about a month we became intimate again. I would become very attached after this and want to be with her but she stuck to her plan of independence. Whenever we would talk it would be talk of how In love we were with eachother and how we were so right for eachother but It was just a bad time for her. At first she said it wasnt about guys however, whenever I saw her out she was flirting with another guy however afterwords she would call me and tell me she was just enjoying being young (19) and free. I do not have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is her not letting me go by constatly talking to her and her reminding me how madly in love with me she is, and how she knows she wants to be with me forever, and her friends parents etc. are all in love with me too.

Anyways she left in June to go back home to the West coast for the summer so the last week we started really talking again. SHe came over unexpectedly a couple of times after she went out and slept over.( I later found out it was because her room was a mess because she was moving and there was nowhere for her to sleep.) Of course I took this as process towards getting back together. We hung out a couple of times almost by default,( I wanted a night with just us, but she had to bring her girlfriend, but then she got so wasted and passed out we hung out and had an awsome time.) She said it was like the funnest night we ever had together and I agree. This was the last night for her in town.

The next day I helped her move out of her dorm and seriously worked my butt of to get things ready in time and her to the airport. (She is irresponsible.) I even let her store all of her stuff at my apartment, which is now filled with the vast majority of her belongings. I offered because I wanted to be nice.

 

After she left we began to talk on the phone again sometimes up to twice a day about how we missed eachother, social issues , you name it. It was so nice to talk to her like that. It felt like we were dating again. Maybe so much so that I asked if we were one night when I was drunk. She got scared and didnt call for a day. I decided that if we werent going out we shouldnt talk like that at least until she came back in late August. Well we decided on mutual no contact. It was good. I stopped thinking about her all the time and even met a girl. After about two weeks she started texting me saying how much she loved and missed me. She called me drunk too just to say that through this she knows she wants to be with me forever and she is so glad that she has me. We talked about once a week from then on.

 

About a month ago she asked me if I had slept with anyone and I told her I did and she was really upset and crying. She said that she had waited for me and that she couldnt believe it and couldnt talk the rest of the night so she hung up.(She later told me she went on about 18 dates with guys different guys over the summer but nothing happened.)The next day she called me to tell me she was flying through my city en rout to the east coast. I met her at the airport and it was so nice to see her. She was detatched from the night before but she still seemed to enjoy it.

She called me after that when she was out east about twice a day for about two weeks. Every time she was detached and didnt have any life in her voice. She said it wasnt me she just wanted to go home.(She agreed to go out to her aunts cottage for 3 weeks and nanny her children.) We talked about our childrens names how much fun we were going to have when she got back. She even said that she wanted to go away on a romantic resort weekend trip when she got back. One night I made the mistake of telling her that she would have to make a decision about us when she got back and she got all defensive and didnt want to talk about it.

 

I told her okay. The next day I apologized saying I didnt mean to pressure her and she forgave me. We talked for about three more days until two Sundays ago. She sounded tired, detached and depressed. I asked if she was okay she said she just wanted to go home but she was fine. She was to be going home the following SUnday and she would call me so we could meet again as she went through my city on the way Back. I said okay and she said that she was sorry for being detached and it was not me. We said our I love yous but she didnt want to talk so we got off the phone. I didnt hear from her all week and I finally called her on Friday to see how she was doing. She never called back which was strange. Sunday I text messaged her phone saying I wanted to see how she was and I was worried about her and to call me back and I loved her. It is now Friday and I still havent heard from her. Right now I just want to know if she is okay.

 

Why hasnt she called me back yet. She is set to come back her on Thursday and I had plans to pick her up. I dont know what she is thinking. All of her stuff is at my apartment so she will have to call and see me eventually so what is she doing. I hope she is alright but she has never done this before. Even when she is mad she at least calls me back to say she is. Should I call her or just wait till she calls me.

PS I am moving on the 28th which is next saturday and she has to come pick things up by then becaause I dont want to move it twice, She doesnt know this. PLEASE HELP ME OUT... I am in desperate need of advice!!!

[american dream]

Hi bud, sorry to hear about your situation. Not knowing is always the hardest thing. You are left up in the air and that SUCKS.

 

Well, as for her, it sounds like she just doesn't know what she wants right now. Sounds like you aren't too sure either. She is testing the waters and trying to "live" her life, but she wants to keep a nice safe person around just in case. This is really not fair to you. Either you need to cut her loose and let her do her thing and see if she comes back (and if you want her back at that point), or you need to tell her that you two need to become official again and stop this nonsense.

 

It is something like watching a swimmer go out into the ocean. She wants to ride the waves and have the fun, but she likes the security of the buoy (you). See what happens when you remove yourself from the situation and she sees that her buoy is gone.

[aireyc]

Contradicting what american dream said, I think you are putting too much pressure on her. You seem to be saying things like "you need to make up your mind" and that one time saying what "you wanted". She clearly cares about you since she does tell you what's up. She sounds like a strong person for the fact she has waited for you and she doesn't seem too flustered by the constant on/off relationship. All of the decision-making can wear a person out. Also, she does seem a bit young and does want to experience things herself. I say just be good friends but don't pressure her if she doesn't talk to you for a while or doesn't want to make a decision. Good luck.

 

Chris