Confusing conversation

[wanderingalonenow]

My ex broke up with me last April. That was undeniably the most painful experience of my life, but I think I learned a lot from it and grew up a lot because of it. I spent the summer piecing myself together, and feel good for the most part nowadays. I stopped initiating contact with her, and for the majority of the summer, she'd IM me or e-mail me about once a week. I was always friendly and light, and tried to do my best to end our conversations a little earlier than I wanted to. Then it just kinda stopped for about a month. I'm even to the point where I don't feel guilty looking at another girl, which is a good sign.

 

With school starting up again, she's moved back to campus. Low and behold, I get a message from her the day after she moves back to campus. Once again, she got the most upbeat and happy version of me I could muster. And I'll admit it was good to hear from her. But what I don't understand is... a good chunk of the conversation she spent telling me about her plans with her new boyfriend (who she left me for) over the next few months... they're going camping, going to a concert, going on a road trip. I mean, I just don't understand what possessed her to tell me about all of that. I have been friendly and I really do want her to be happy... but come on. I just don't understand, I'm not over things to the point where I want to hear about those things. I reacted very well, and told her how happy I was for her that it seemed like she was going to be enjoying herself this fall, which is true. But I just don't understand what her motives were for telling me all of that... and it bothers me. Because that just seems like a spiteful thing to do. But maybe that's just because I'm looking at it too negatively. I kinda feel like she was fishing for a reaction (that I didn't give her). And I don't understand what I did to deserve something like that. Idk, does anyone else have any potential insight? I appreciate it.

[caveat]

She's probably keeping tabs on you to see where you are in your life, whether you have moved on or not. I'm guessing that her new relationship/life isn't as rosey as she is making it out to be.

 

Regardless, its not appropriate for her to be telling you about her life with her new boyfriend. Perhaps she's doing so because you have not told her that you do not want or need to hear about that sort of thing and that she feels as though you have given her the green light to be a 'friend' that she can confide in about everything going on in her life. Even if you do want to remain friends with her and do not have any designs on reconciling with her downstream I think its more than reasonable to simply tell her that you have no interest in hearing about her new man.

 

Personally, I would make myself less accessible to her. Let her enjoy her new life if she thinks its that great, but don't let it be at your expense. If it was that great do you really think she would be keeping a thread alive between the two of you? Don't let her fill a missing part of her life by being conveniently available. Be noticeably absent and get on with your own life.

[Celadon]

Wow, well said, Caveat. I agree completely.

 

Even though my ex is seeing someone, he still fishes to see if I'm dating someone, or what I think of other guys (because he wants to hear how he compares with them -- what a doofus).

[wanderingalonenow]

Yeah, I suppose I should just speak up and let her know that I don't particularly want to hear about everything with the new guy. I just didn't really think she'd be naive enough to believe that I'm completely healed, and ready to be a person she can talk to about her relationship... the relationship she ended ours to create. I'm not absolutely positive that I want to try things in the future. I made my share of mistakes, and I did my best to atone for them, but she handled things very very poorly. The whole situation highlighted how immature she is, and that's not so much something I want to go back to.

 

I really appreciate the response, Caveat. I'm definitely not being all that accessible. I've actually been quite busy with a new position I have on campus. I think she's enjoying her new life. Having said that, I'm not sure what the purpose of maintaining occasional contact with me is... but at this point I don't think it's because she even looks at me as even a potential partner anymore. I'm doing well... and we'll just have to see what the future holds. Thanks again.