What do I do now?

[jimb2k]

Hi People,

 

I put my first post up last night regarding needing advice on my breakup with my girlfriend. Thank you all who read this, I know it was a long one.

 

I'm back today with a couple of new questions.

 

We were together for almost 2 years. We broke up 4 weeks ago today. t wasn't that bad a break-up, I mean we had been arguing over the last couple of months of the relationship but we had talked about marriage and kids and the next step for me was to move in with her. She lived with her dad and I live with my mum, but only 6 weeks before the relationship finished (end of January 2003), she bought a flat only 2 minutes walk from where I live so she could be closer to me. This to me shows that her feelings were still their for me only 6 weeks before the split or why else would she buy a flat that close to me when she previously lived well outwith walking distance (The only way we could get to each others houses was a 15 minute car drive) and her work place was only 2 minutes from where her dad lived.

 

Before we broke up she had used my credit card to purchase some stuff for her flat. Since the break-up 4 weeks ago, the only reason she has contacted me is due to the fact of arranging to pay this bill off. She gave me £100.00 last Friday and she has told me that she will get the other £50.00 for me next month. I feel that after the bill is paid off next month she will not contact me. I saw her on Sunday when I was out with friends at the local club. I did not approach her, she approached me. She said that she didn't want it to be awkward but she felt that this was the best way. We then stood chatting for about 5 minutes (no serious talk just light cheery stuff) and then went our separate ways. She came accross as being cool and collected when she was talking to me. How can she just switch her feelings of like that? Or is she just hiding her true emotions? It comes accross as if she doesn't give a monkeys about me anymore with the way she acted and the no contact thing. I don't want to contact her as when we split up I did contact her 5-6 times over the first week trying to sort it out but she kept saying it was too late and she didn't want to be in a relationship just now. She has told me that she is not interested in anybody else (which I believe 99% as when I saw her on Sunday out clubbing she wasn't dancing with any guys and she left when the last song came on which was a smoochy love song). She has said she needs to be by herself right now.

 

Is she not contacting me because she wants nothing more to do with me at all? is so hurt and emotionally drained that she needs her space to sort herself out? or is she waiting on me contacting her? (the last one I seriously doubt) As i've said I really don't want to contact her as I don't want to suffocate her or make her feel trapped or pressurised, but I also don't want it to come accross that I don't care. I haven't contacted her in 15 days although I have spoken to her in that time when she called to arrange the payment and I have seen her twice, once when she brought the £100.00 round on the Friday and then out clubbing on Sunday.

 

It is her birthday in two weeks. She will be 22 (I'm 21 by the way). What do I do? Do I send her a card and present? just a card? or nothing? If I was to give her a card I would send it through the post so that it doesn't look like I'm invading her territory. As I have said she only lives 2 minutes walk away but I don't want it to look like I'm making excuses to see her.

 

I am moving on slowly with my own life. I am starting to focus on my own individual goals. I have joined a gym which I had been planning for over a year, I am going out having a good time socialising with friends and I am taking a renewed interest in my hobbies/pastimes. The only thing is she is always at the back of my mind. I know I don't need her in my life to make me complete but I love her so much that I would like her in my life. The relationship has went from contacting each other everyday and seeing each other 5 days out of 7 to nothing at all.

 

When I was frantically trying to sort things out the first week we broke-up she said she still loved me and cared for me but she was not in love with me. She said she felt her feelings had changed and it wasn't fair to lead me on if they had. She would rather we went our separate ways instead of continuing the relationship, e.g over the next 6 months and her still feeling the same way. She said she needed her space to be alone right now.

 

It all seems like such a waste to me, to throw the relationship away over a few stupid arguments.

 

Please give me some feed back.

 

Cheers

[zippitt]

Sorry to hear about the breakup, as with many here we have or are going through the same issues. I don't think she broke up with you just because of some arguments. As much as this might hurt, it just sounds like she fell out of love with you. I have heard so many stories, so many excuses with breakups. I think most people try to save the others persons feelings by not telling their ex the truth. The truth being they simply do not love the other person any longer or they may have never really been in love with you. Yes they love you as a person and a friend, but the passion they had for you is no longer there or never was. Even then love isn't enough to hold two people together. It's so complex that it's not worth trying to figure it out, it can drive you mad. It's not so much what you did or didn't do wrong. Most of the time people overlook your faults and fall in love with you because of the passion. Of course providing you faults are not serious things like forms of abuse. For some it works and others it does not, there is no rhym or reason. The best thing you can do is just move on. Yes, hearing that someone no longer loves you hurts like hell, it's like being kicked when your down. You can't even fight it, you just want to die. It will get easier, the pain takes time to subside. You will never forget her, but you can get over her. Just keep going out, keep busy...sure she will always be in the back of your mind. After a while I guarantee she will start to slip from you mind, well providing you go out and have fun on a regular basis. Sorry to sound so bleak, but I am a realist. There is no guarantee that you love life will be what you have dreamed it would. But if you don't keep trying, and don't put a smile back on your face your chances will be greatly diminished. So don't let one person screw it all up for you...move on.

[kaliguy80]

i kinda have same story like u.....went out for a year and we borke up cuz of her parents, or thats wat she told me that her parents found out that she has a b/f, me, but now she has a b/f again and i doubt that her parents will be happy if the find that out.....but anyway, cuz of that we broke up.....whatever the reason, i still like her and like u said, even she is back of my head all the time.....its been more than a year since we broke up and i sitll think of her everyday.....kinda werid....but as for now i m not looking for a g/f, like being single but would love to have her back......man, all i would say is move on....go out with other gals and try to not keep in touch that much...atlest now.....cuz if u talk to her it will remind u of old times.....as for her b'day, just send her an e-greeting.....hope u don't get stuck with the feeling like u have now for as long as i have.......i didn't talk to my ex for like a year or more and recently talked a little cuz her dad passed away but i still try not to talk to althought i m always tempted cuz i kow that if i talk i will get attached to her......so good luck and hope u move on soon. take it easy.

[paul475]

...this is over. For now.

 

Romantic love always burns itself out. Then real love has to come up and save the day.

 

Two years is a LONG time for someone in their early twenties. Plenty of time to allow for the infatuation-rush to come to an end. So let it be.

 

It's not the number of the arguments, it's their quality. You can blow a twenty year friendship in less than five seconds. It could take months, or years, of hard work to bring things back into alignment.

 

She has her issues, you have your's. Work on your own issues now. The better person you become, the better the quality of the person you will attract and the better relationship you will be able to sustain.

 

Things will get better as you get better.