How to not be... awkward?

[MattW]

I'm pretty frustrated with myself, because I'm just so bad at connecting with people, and opening up, and having real friendships with people. I'm not really all that close with any of the people I'd consider my friends, and I when I spend time with them, I almost feel like I'm just there, in the background, not contributing anything. Most of the time, I just find myself not knowing what to say. It kinda sucks, because I like being around my friends, but I feel like I just don't know how to properly interact with people, in general. I've been in situations like this before, and I've found that eventually, people start to include me less and less (because I contribute nothing), and sometimes people even get the impression I don't like being around them, when that's completely the opposite of the way it really is.

 

I hang out with people who are fairly funny and like to joke around a lot. I'd love to be a funny person, myself, but I'm not quick-witted, and when I do think of something funny to say or point out, I end up keeping my mouth shut as I worry someone might find what I say offensive, or just outright strange or weird. Often times, I'll think of something funny to say after the moment has already passed, at which point, there's no reason to bring it up. When they do try to include me in their jokes, I end up just laughing along and/ or awkwardly saying something that doesn't make much sense. The kicker is, I post a lot of goofy stuff on Facebook all the time, and many of my friends have told me I'm a pretty funny, witty person (based on my Facebook stuff), but to be honest, that's because the Internet allows me enough time to really think over my humorous comments and musings.

 

So... how do I stop being so awkward and "useless" (in the sense that I'm always just kind of there, not adding anything to social gatherings)? I mean, it's not exactly like I can force myself to become more quick-witted and conversational. I've been trying to get better at it for years, and I still feel I'm the same quiet, awkward, dull guy I've been for, like, all my life. So, it's not like I've been purposely avoiding social situations, I've been actively trying to insert myself into social situations, but I just always end up falling flat on my face, and I'm pretty tired of that.

[halved]

i have this problem too, so maybe i'm not the best for giving advice...

 

i think perhaps you focus too much on trying to be witty... communication is a muscle that needs to be exercised...maybe just start by focusing on having regular conversation with people. start with people you are completely comfortable with, a best friend, family member, co-worker, grandparent...whoever...and have a conversation...look into their eyes while they are talking (it will let you know what they are really thinking), respond specifically to what they are saying, so it's not like you're being a robot, but a live considerate, thoughtful individual who is actually listening. Regular conversation will also teach you to react spontaneously...something that is a necessary component of being witty...open your eyes and observe your surroundings, watch body language, you will learn to respond appropriately to what people are saying.

 

stop focusing on your awkwardness (this will occur naturally with practice and with practice comfortability)....and really, just practice practice practice, you'll get better with time, and eventually you'll be so comfortable communicating with people you won't be preoccupied with coming off as awkward, you'll be a natural. It's like doing anything for the first time, or something you've never really done much of...at first you suck, everyone does, and (for some introverted psychos like me) 90% of your brain is devoted to THINKING about the situation rather than just having the muscle memory or the built in subconscious knowledge to overcome the overthinking part...with time, with hard work this subconscious ability will come

 

I am introverted HARD CORE...i cannot help overthinking situations and feeling uncomfortable, sadly, part of that may never leave you, i know it's never left me...that's just a feature of your personality and makes you who you are...i always have ODD observations that are quite funny at times, but really it's borne out of my awkwardness, my over internalization of situations...i see things differently than most people as a result of my naturally shy tendencies....if you've ever watched curb your enthusiasm i'm like larry david in real life, or more accurately george costanza (I can be a total nutcase, you see...)

 

anyway, turn your "weaknesses" into advantages, you see the world differently and notice things that others do not because you are different, and don't be afraid to get out there, start small, like I said, and go from there, with your growing confidence your true personality will shine through, that will eventually include your wit and charm

[Goncas]

I can relate to the feeling, im not shy per se but i find myself struggling to connect with people arround me. Cant really put the finger on to what it is though...

[MattW]

i think perhaps you focus too much on trying to be witty... communication is a muscle that needs to be exercised...maybe just start by focusing on having regular conversation with people. start with people you are completely comfortable with, a best friend, family member, co-worker, grandparent...whoever...and have a conversation...look into their eyes while they are talking (it will let you know what they are really thinking), respond specifically to what they are saying, so it's not like you're being a robot, but a live considerate, thoughtful individual who is actually listening. Regular conversation will also teach you to react spontaneously...something that is a necessary component of being witty...open your eyes and observe your surroundings, watch body language, you will learn to respond appropriately to what people are saying.

 

Well, I don't have problems being "normal" around family, but that's mostly because I've known them for my whole life, so they already know me completely, and I already know them completely. I know, with them, what kinds of things to not talk about, and being that we're family, even if I do say something that upsets or offends them, or something, I know it'll blow over. With friends, I worry too much about potentially turning them away, because I don't know them well enough to know what will set them off, and I don't want to be "the guy who said ".

 

I think that's one of my big problems, really. I like to really overthink what I say before I say it, because I don't want to offend anyone, or make them think poorly of me because of a stupid thing I said. Heck, it's probably the reason I never even try to flirt with girls, because I feel like I'd be "offending" them by making advances.

[halved]

stop apologizing for who you are or how you think. If you say something awkward then so be it...learn from the situation, learn to become tactful, and learn to refine your thoughts....i always say this to people who struggle with this issue....

 

i'm not trying to insult you, but let me put it this way, you may be in an adult's body but it may be the case that your communication skills are in arrested development, like a child's, borne out of fear of rejection or whatever (this was my case)...it has made your skills dull, so instead of a slick samurai sword or a scalpel, you have a sledgehammer to work with...

 

my god, use that sledgehammer, those are your tools at your resource, use them, it may not be the best tool, but it's what you have for now...with time, with practice, comes refinement, you'll get that scalpel eventually...just get out there are start talking talking talking,

 

you WILL FAIL, but you will also succeed, so long as you don't give up, at the very least you can somewhat unburden yourself of this shyness that can be so so suffocating to living a fulfilling life...(I apologize if I insulted you, in many ways i speak of myself, more than towards you, hopefully some of this is relevant to your case)

[halved]

when it comes to flirting with girls, or even just communication in general, LOOK INTO THEIR EYES, i cannot stress this enough....for years i did not look into peoples eyes for fear of what I would see in them...and then one day i stopped all of that nonsense...there is NOTHING to fear, and everything, everything to gain. you will learn so much, you will know if what you say will offend them, you will know because the information will be laid right there in front of you....

 

and even if you do screw up, a sheepish grin, a self deprecating look will override the words you have spoken...maybe you don't have this eye contact problem...but i have seen it time and again in people who overthink or who are shy,

 

observe the other person, focus on them, take the focus off of yourself, by focusing on them you will use all that nervous energy you have bottled inside that is internally focused on yourself OUTWARD, the energy is released into the environment....your muscles will not be tense, you will be calm and comfortable, natural, a man who LIVES in the world, and not in his head...just open your eyes and use them, the rest will follow

[MattW]

stop apologizing for who you are or how you think. If you say something awkward then so be it...learn from the situation, learn to become tactful, and learn to refine your thoughts....i always say this to people who struggle with this issue....

 

Easier said than done, though. How, exactly, do you "learn" that? I've been trying to be more sociable for a while, now, but I still feel as awkward as ever. Again, I could understand what you mean if I was a total and complete recluse, but I've been trying to "put myself out there" for a while, and I just don't feel like I'm "learning" anything.

 

you WILL FAIL, but you will also succeed, so long as you don't give up, at the very least you can somewhat unburden yourself of this shyness that can be so so suffocating to living a fulfilling life...(I apologize if I insulted you, in many ways i speak of myself, more than towards you, hopefully some of this is relevant to your case)

 

Nah, I didn't find any of it "insulting", heh. Just to point something out, though, I wouldn't classify myself as "shy"; when I think "shy", I think someone who's nervous or uncomfortable in social situations. I'm not particularly nervous or uncomfortable around people, I just tend to keep my mouth shut, not make a whole lot of conversation (because I don't feel I know how to properly talk to or relate to people), and just be "there".

 

when it comes to flirting with girls, or even just communication in general, LOOK INTO THEIR EYES, i cannot stress this enough....for years i did not look into peoples eyes for fear of what I would see in them...and then one day i stopped all of that nonsense...there is NOTHING to fear, and everything, everything to gain. you will learn so much, you will know if what you say will offend them, you will know because the information will be laid right there in front of you....

 

and even if you do screw up, a sheepish grin, a self deprecating look will override the words you have spoken...maybe you don't have this eye contact problem...but i have seen it time and again in people who overthink or who are shy,

 

observe the other person, focus on them, take the focus off of yourself, by focusing on them you will use all that nervous energy you have bottled inside that is internally focused on yourself OUTWARD, the energy is released into the environment....your muscles will not be tense, you will be calm and comfortable, natural, a man who LIVES in the world, and not in his head...just open your eyes and use them, the rest will follow

 

Funny thing is, though, I DO do a lot of observing. I pick up on and pay attention to the way people interact with each other, all the time, but I just don't seem to be able to apply any of it to myself, and to my own actions, for whatever reason.

[halved]

The funny thing is you already know the reason why you don't speak up and are "just there". You may not be shy, but you fear making social mistakes, to the point where you would prefer to say nothing at all then to revealing your weakness in communicating.

 

The only way to learn is to practice, to make mistakes, to be awkward, to fail...this is how you learn. It is not enough to understand a thing logically. For instance, you may understand that shooting a basketball involves squaring your body to the net, channeling the energy from your entire body not merely your arms, maintaining balance, then following through with your posture...but does that mean the first time you shoot that basketball you're going to nail it, that you are going to be perfect? or the first two hundred times? Absolutely not. You have to shoot that basketball 3000 times or more before you gain mastery and establish muscle memory, before it becomes effortless, subconscious, a naturalized part of your being.

 

Communication is just as much an activity that takes practice as any other activity. It is a muscle that needs to be used in order to become strong. If you refuse to try, if you refuse to open your mouth and accept failure as an inevitable consequence of learning, you will never improve.