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When did I start writing emails I could never send.

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I just want to start this off by saying I have always been in love with you as a friend and that is what I would be happiest as. I cannot really see us together, I guess before I thought differently because I was not sure of the feelings I had. I am your friend, at least I think I am.. I hope I was.. was I ever?



I am not alright. Never have been never will be. This is going to sound like a guilt trip from one of the worlds greatest creeps. Every day without you has gotten worse and worse. I.. Whenever I would get sad or want to kill myself the most effective way to snap me out of it was to think of something happy, a reason, a person, a memory, anything. It was about a month ago when it happened. Got a strong urge to just jump off a bridge and I tried but I could not think of anything.


Think of something that makes you happy, anything. I had nothing. Nothing made me happy. I really lost it. The only thing I could do you cope was to lock myself in my room or tie myself down or just run, just run till my legs gave or I puked everywhere. Whichever came first.


I tried my best to think of anything, even of you. I looked through a journal entry I made, in it was the "happiest moment in my life." We were in my room, it was dark and my arms were wrapped around you. While I was enjoying the scent of your hair, you were tracing my palm and you stopped and asked "whats this?," referring to a bump in the middle of my hand.(I think it was a scar or something) There was just something in that moment. It was so simple yet I had never been so happy.


Yet when I thought of it, it just hurt like hell. Any though of you just hurt. You have always been everything to me, my saving grace. Ever since you made that decision to distance yourself I have been living on borrowed time.


I guess I was just needy, right?


None of this was your fault though, It is just a simple chemical imbalance of the brain.

I am depressed, I am alone, I am anxious, I am scared.


But with you I did not feel so alone...

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I can understand where this pain is coming from, really. But what if you could stop living on borrowed time and start living on your own time? There has to be some independent activity that will make you happy, so that you can rely less on happy memories from the past and more on happy experiences in the present. That's what I'm trying to do right now; hopefully we can cut back on producing these negative chemical imbalances by not relying on others so much.

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