Devastated!!!!!!

[BabyO]

How do I get through this? Why did he leave me?

 

I know the distance between was hard, but we were solemates. Two months ago we were buying a house and now he tells me how he can't handle the distance between us anymore and it is making him question do we really have what it takes to last in a marriage. He broke it off on Monday and everyday since he emails me telling me how he loves me and how sorry he is, how he hates himself for hurting me etc.....But, he still left....why?

 

I can't live without him........ I have dated plenty to know when it was right.

 

How can one just walk out and leave love behind???????

[Goncas]

It feels like you have been hit by a ton of bricks, Im sorry you are in that position right now. Im would love to be able to say something that would make you feel better but there isnt any...not so soon in the BU stage, just try to get through day by day.

It will get worse before it gets better.

 

Are you sure its final?

[BabyO]

I don't know......we shared such a amazing bond, a bond that you wait a lifetime to find with someone. He stated at one point how maybe the timing is not right. Maybe you have to let something go to see if there is really something there....etc....... He said how he really does not want to go, but he has to listen to his gut.

 

He wrote me this....I am laying awake at night staring at the ceiling with you. My eyes swollen and face numb. I can't even watch tv because house hunters is always on. Meeting you was a miracle and I wouldnt give back a single second we had together. I came to a crossroad where a decision had to be made whether to take the next step or not. The status quo was not an option. I had to listen to my gut as painful as it was. It could very well be a huge mistake. Time will have to answer that. I take long deep breaths, say a prayer, and hope to God each day gets just a little bit easier. I love you always......

[corgidude]

I'm so sorry to hear that. My situation was similar. My ex and I had been looking at buying a house, and one night she came home and said she didn't want to live together anymore. I was crushed, but we patched things up for all of 2 days, and she went right back to the same decision. A day later, she found out she was pregnant. I wanted her to keep it, she didn't. I was so hurt and angry, I more or less quit talking to her, figuring it was better than saying the wrong thing. A week later, she walked out.

 

It turns out that she hadn't been happy for a while, and was feeling like moving out was the only way to feel better. She also felt like she had lost her identity to our relationship. -The point is, this wasn't a sudden development, it had been coming for a while.

 

Love doesn't die suddenly. Your ex was probably feeling a lot of this for a while, but never communicated it to you. -And by not communicating it to you, he also never tried to fix it. Instead, he just gave up and quit.

 

I know this might not make you feel any better, but you need to look at it just like that: he chose to give up. It is not your fault, because he quit without ever trying to work through the problems he was having. You did nothing wrong in that regard.

 

I know it hurts, believe me. In the space of 2 weeks, I lost the woman I thought I would spend my life with, and a child I'll never meet. Despite the hurt and pain I felt, I still miss her terribly, and still want to start over with her. Am I crazy to feel that way? Probably. But love just does that to people.

 

My heart goes out to you. Post on this forum as much as you need, we're all here for you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more, as well. Best of luck to you.

[BabyO]

I am really sorry to hear what you have been though. That must be sooooooooooo devastating for you. I hope your heart heals in time......

 

I believe in true love, and people work it out instead of walk out. Unless, the situation is damaging and or healthy. Two people should find a way to make things work. And maybe you are right, that he felt this way for a while. That he never fully disclosed his feelings. But, we did talk about it a few times in the past how the distance between us was so horrible etc... But he always said that I am his love of a lifetime and nothing will come between us.....The day he ended it he was begging me to tell him how to fix this situation. How he can't see how we are going forward and going to be together. And I told him I would quite my job etc...but he said no, don't be silly. Then he said maybe this long distance created the emotional distance. How he can't go on....et..... But, I never thought that he would chose to let me go instead of finding someway to work it out. How can I look back and believe that his love was real? I will never get over this. Like you I know I wil still miss and think of him oftern.

[Miss Firecracker]

Thank goodness you didn't quit your job!

 

I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

 

Let him lick his own wounds though. Stop communication with his ASAP. That's my advice to you.

[BabyO]

Have no contact? I can't live without this person. Wait, let me rephrase....I don't want to live without him. He has 95% of what I have been looking for all these years in a man. How can I just let him go? He is everything to me.... Why does he want to go? I read that most dumpers never return, I can't live with that fact. Plus, it has been 6 days since we broke up and he still sends me emails. Telling me how sorry, and don't hate him...etc......Why does he contact me at all.. he left me, so he should let it be.

[Miss Firecracker]

Have no contact? I can't live without this person. Wait, let me rephrase....I don't want to live without him. He has 95% of what I have been looking for all these years in a man. How can I just let him go? He is everything to me.... Why does he want to go? I read that most dumpers never return, I can't live with that fact. Plus, it has been 6 days since we broke up and he still sends me emails. Telling me how sorry, and don't hate him...etc......Why does he contact me at all.. he left me, so he should let it be.

 

Well, that's your choice. I would have no part of it. I would say, "He left me. And that was his choice." Then I would move on to the next phase of my life.

[GrowingIn]

Have no contact? I can't live without this person. Wait, let me rephrase....I don't want to live without him. He has 95% of what I have been looking for all these years in a man. How can I just let him go? He is everything to me.... Why does he want to go? I read that most dumpers never return, I can't live with that fact. Plus, it has been 6 days since we broke up and he still sends me emails. Telling me how sorry, and don't hate him...etc......Why does he contact me at all.. he left me, so he should let it be.

 

He feels guilty. That's all. From what you are saying that is certain.

 

I'm very sorry that it happened, but if your relationship was really that good and this just happened out of the blue and you really want this back again, I implore you to go NC 100%. If you remain in contact you will do nothing but ease his guilt right now. If the relationship truly was that good, BELIEVE in that.

 

In your case it may be salvageable if you do what you are supposed to. Break it off yourself right now. You break it off because he broke it off. NO OTHER reason is needed. You break it off and you cut him off simply because he left you and broke up with you and the broken heart is reason enough.

 

Just try to say that to yourself. Reasons do not matter. Just the fact he left should be enough for you to not want to speak with that person at this point. You WILL very likely speak to him again. And you WILL get closure, but if you can hang in there and get your feet back under you instead of maintaining contact it will be for the better.

[corgidude]

I agree with GrowingIn... right now, it sounds like he's just trying to let you down gently. It's not that he never loved you, but his degree of love and commitment wasn't as deep as yours. He still cares for you enough to feel bad for hurting you, but right now, that's the extent of it. He still left you without trying to work things out, and I would say that his actions speak volumes more than his words do.

 

You need to cut his contact with you because all it does is bring you right back to that same place you were in when he first broke up with you. He thinks he's doing you a favor by letting you down gently, but he's just causing you to relive the breakup each time he contacts you. I know it's hard, but you need to do this for yourself. It's just causing you more pain and anguish to have contact with him, and you don't need that extra hurt right now.

 

If he's that concerned about you knowing how sorry he is, how he doesn't want you to hate him, he should care enough to respect your desire for no contact. You need to get past this initial point where everything is so fresh and the hurt is so bad. When you get into a place where you're feeling stronger, you'll be able to deal with contacting him without it reopening all the old hurt and pain. And yes, there is the chance that cutting contact may bring your relationship back, but don't make that the only reason you cut contact. Ultimately, this is for you to recover and become stronger so that if a reconciliation occurs, you'll be able to approach it from a healthier mindset. And if it doesn't happen, you'll be strong enough to continue on with your life without it sending you into a tailspin. Don't do this for him, or for your relationship. Do this for you, because it will help you get the strength you need to get through this.

 

If you need advice, you can always come to the board. It's been a great resource for me, and a great place to allow me to sometimes clear my mind about things. -Feel free to PM me as well, if you'd like to talk. Best of luck to you!

[BabyO]

Guilty? That is so hard to hear, and that all this contact is only because he feels guilty and not that maybe he made a mistake by breaking up. Like maybe he feels that he should have really talked this out with me etc.....But, since it has been 6 days and he has not returned, so I guess he does really want this over...........

 

I am so hurt that he left me. How could I have been so wrong????? He told me soooooooooooooo many things. How I am the love of his life and how he waited almost half his life to find me... Now he just lets it go........ I am not the type of person to make up false scenarios in my head about how a relatinship was going. We really had somthing special...... I always seek the truth.

 

Ok, I will not contact him. I do hope that one day we do get back together. Because we truly had a wonderful relationship. At least I thought so...... But, at that time when we talk again or if he wants to try again he will have to make a full commitment to me. I will not go back to dating. It is marriage or nothing.

[corgidude]

I know how you feel. Not even a month prior, my ex and I were talking about taking a big romantic vacation together. I'd even begun browsing for an engagement ring, and we were looking at buying a house together. Suddenly she didn't want any of those things with me, and I've had to go through a lot of the mindset you've been going through.

 

He may in time contact you because he realizes he was wrong, or he may not. Only time will tell what he decides to do. I will say one thing: if he does want to try again, don't deal in absolutes. He's obviously a little uncertain about marriage, and if you tell him it's all or nothing, he might feel too pressured and decide not to try. -Even worse, what if he agrees, gets married, but then has the same misgivings and wants out of the marriage? Reconciling isn't going to be a fast process, you'll both have some work to do to make it stick. Entering into a reconciliation with that kind of pressure will probably not work out favorably for anyone.

 

For now, don't focus on whether or not that day will happen. Focus on yourself, and getting past this point. If your ex is still emailing you or messaging you, send him a short email just to let him know that you need some time for yourself, and that you need him to not contact you for a while, and ask him to respect your request. You don't need to give him any more explanation than that. I think in your case, it's better to tell him you're going into NC instead of doing the "ninja" approach, because he's still likely to contact you with his apology emails. -And frankly, it's hard to NOT read them, because each time you see there's a new message from him, it's going to be nearly impossible to fight the urge to read them.

 

Do something nice for yourself tonight, even if you only grab a few minutes of happiness, it'll be worth it. Take those moments of happiness and hang onto them, in these early days, that's what will get you by. Let us know how you're holding up.

[BabyO]

Ok, I guess you are right. I don't want to enter into a marriage an d have him leave me. I woke up sooooooooooooooooooo upset this morning. Like this is all a bad dream. I thought I knew him and how he felt like I did about our life together. He never hid that from me. He always told be how honesty and being upfront was the key. What did I miss? I must have missed something since he is gone. I am sorry, but people can't switch their feelings from one week to the next. He should have told me how he thought about leaving.....In his letter he said the cross road just hit him and he had to decide.... Plus, now even if he did come back, I feel like it would not be the same. I mean he broke this bond and how can't I trust it again. How could I have been so wrong? Not just me but all my family and friends. They were the one who told me that he was the one before I even told them. People from an outside perspecive normally carry better judgement......SO WHAT HAPPENED!! I feel like he was not the person I thought............

[Miss Firecracker]

......SO WHAT HAPPENED!!

 

Sometimes the crossroads is another girl. Guys don't just come up and say, hey I met someone else and...

 

Just let him go. He could always reconsider this later. But by then I hope you've met someone better.

[corgidude]

I hear you... it's harder for the dumpee because to us, it seems like it's just come out of the blue. Unfortunately, the dumper has been thinking about things for far longer than we were aware, but usually they feel guilty and conflicted about it, which is why they usually don't say anything until they've decided on their course of action, i.e. breaking up. When my ex left me, everyone I knew was surprised. Everybody thought that we were doing so well, myself included. Everything you've been asking yourself is exactly what I've asked myself a hundred times over.

 

You're right in that if he did come back, it would be completely different. That trust and bonding has been broken, and it will take a lot of time and effort to rebuild it. If you ever reconcile with him, you have to be prepared to start all over and treat the relationship as something new, not as putting together the broken pieces of your old one. But for now, you just need to focus on feeling better and healing. It's a hard and painful process, but it's necessary to either be able to move past this or to reconcile down the road. I hope your day gets better, let us know how you're doing.

[BabyO]

Today is day # 3 and no contact from my ex since I told him to not send me anymore love songs or emails..

 

I am sooooooooooooooooooooo hurt!! I can't believe that he is really doing this to us. WHY WHY????? I am tying to be strong, but how do you let go of someone that you waited years fors. How do I move forward to someone else when he had all the qualities that I looked for. How can someone just shut their feelings down and walk away? I can see if we had issues in our relationship, but we really had none. I had dated many in the past where I knew this was not right, that there were to many problems to over come. So I left them....... But, with him I did not have that. I mean he was not perfect, but you know when you write out that wish list. Well, he had like 9 out of 10 things that I searched for. I respected myself enough to wait for this type of person ..........and now he is just gone!!! What do I do now? How can distance really cause someone to just leave real love????? The summer is here, and the weekends will be mostly lonely for me cause all my friends are married etc..... I want to so bad beg him to really rethink this.....but I won't because I have to much dignity. I don't know how I am giong to go on.........

[Miss Firecracker]

I had dated many in the past where I knew this was not right, that there were to many problems to over come. So I left them.......

 

That is what he did.