Should I tell her

[bgbillo]

My ex and I broke up a few months ago and my behavior was the reason. I became burnt out, ill, insecure, frustrated, and so forth with everything in my life. I love my ex and know that I made mistakes. Recently I decided to visit a few psychologist and psychiatrists, and all seem to think that I have had for a long time mental OCD or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I generally have it all the time, but times of severe stress and pressure seem to make it more pronounced thus illiciting those other behaviors stated above. Now that I have been diagnosed and I am receiving treatment, I don't know what I should to do. Part of me wants to tell my ex-gf about it, so that maybe she can forgive me, because I am taking steps to get better, and I believe although it wasn't our only problem, it was about 90% or more of it. I am not trying to use this to get her back as many people might think. Although I'd love for us to give it another try, I cherish her friendship more than anything. In reality she is the reason I was able to find the strength in myself to admit to this problem and have it dealt with. Any thoughts on whether I should tell her, and if so how? We had no contact for over a month, then had a group lunch about 2 or 3 weeks ago, where I brought nothing up about our relationship and although I invited her out with a bunch of us a couple of times, nothing else. What are your suggestions. Thank you all for your time.

 

Sincerely,

Bilal

[Dezeard]

I think you should make her aware of the situation, and then let her think about it. Ask her to think about it, and then when she's done if she would like to talk about it.

 

Talk about your past, and try to get things straight, and try to catergorize your problems with the disorder, and then the others, and decide whether or not 90% was on the disorder. If it was, and you both try to work together, you will have a successful relationship. And your road to recovery will be even greater then alone.

[Dieselmetfan]

I dont think you should tell her this to get her back. I've done something quite similar a few months ago in hopes of winning my ex back and it didn't work. Don't try to make your ex feel pity for you. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh because you do have a disorder. You shouldn't tell her this because shes your "ex". You made mistakes and all but she probably moved on. It's going to be really hard to get her back by doing this. I tried getting my ex back by hurting myself and staying in the hospital for one night. Yes, she felt bad for me but it didn't make her want to get back with me. If you really want to tell your ex, you should inform her of your disorder and tell her that its not something she should worry about and you should not bring this subject along with the relationship. Thats the best way for her to think about the relationship and realize why you were having that type of behavior when you two were going out. Let her realize the disorder caused the behavior without you telling her. By you blaming the way you acted on the behavior, you would bring back bad memories of you two and put pressure on her. The last thing you want to do is to put pressure on her because then she might be forced to give an answer too quickly without thinking correctly. I wish you luck. I don't want you making the same mistake I made because it will only make it worse. Take care.

[bgbillo]

Thanks you guys. I don't plan on telling her this as an excuse, or going back to the issues of our relationship. I'd like to remain friends, because we were really great for one another in that capacity, but my behavior was simply that my behavior, whether the OCD had anything to do (which it did) is irrelevant. I just want to let her know so that I can thank her, because I really am happy now for the first time in a long time, and she helped me get there. I had been dealing with this for a long time, but seemed to be good at fooling myself into it. I just would like my friend back, and from there who knows what could grow between us. If that is only friendship than so be it, then I would be the happiest man in the world, if not, at least I can have the memories of someone who graciously helped me through a hard time in my life and was someone I loved and always will. We did make one another happy, and so perhaps we can again, but that's not my goal with telling her, I just think it only fair for her to know. Any other opinions would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

B

[bgbillo]

Dieselmetfan, as for why I behaved the way I did, I was going through a hard time. I had recently had a close friend of mine killed, and then had my sister attempt suicide. I had to be there for her, and unfortunately, I tried my hardest, but I was also working on my master's thesis at the time. Dealing with my sister was hard, because she was my strength, she's the one who together we strived for our best and kept each other sane to be honest. As she got deeply depressed, my situation got worse because I tried to help her all I could and kept this to myself, only to have her depression and insecurities begin to show in myself. These types of feelings are contagious, and thus are why people avoid depressed or sad people in general. It in no way excuses my behavior, but changed me. I let this OCD control me, and I made that mistake. I didn't take time to get myself right and that was the issue. I know this is a long addition, but hopefully it will clear up things a little bit.

[bones]

I think your really brave and have dealt with this really well. I can't identify with ocd personally but can identify with burnt out frustrated and behaving badly. My ex and I don't speak at the moment but I told her about the steps I was taking about my drinking which was my trigger for behaving badly and that I was getting help and I don't know if it helped her or how it made her think about me but it made me feel a whole lot better and helped me put a whole lot of issues into a label she could understand - give a reason for my behaviour she could identify with - she can't understand the wider issues or reasons I felt the way I did.

I wouldn't want to get back together or to be with anyone else without them being aware of my difficulties with drink and knowing how they could support me. I can't and won't tell you what to do because you sound like you've dealt with a really sensitive situation in a fantastic way. I wish I had come out of my relationship with half the dignity you seem to have. I hope things work out really well for you.

[bgbillo]

Dear Bones,

 

Thank you for your kind words. I know how hard it was for you, because it was hard for me too. I agree letting them know that I am dealing with something is my priority, because although I love and care for her dearly, I want be sure that she understands who I am. This affliction of OCD is not who I am, but something that developed (I am naturally prone to it, but it got bad due to other stresses that stemmed back from when I was about 21. It has been three years, and so I am doing my best to get on track. I have learned how it made me act and taking the steps to remedy that and become much happier. I still miss her, but in time, I hope that we can be friends again, and if it's meant for me to get another chance, then so be it, but only if it something we both want.

 

Thanks again, for your kind words, and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to Private Message me, I am here to listen.

 

Sincerely,

B

[bones]

In some ways I would'nt have dealt with my problems if we hadn't broke up and if it hadn't been so hard and I hadn't behaved so badly. So some good has come from a painful situation. I think you have a lovely way of expressing your situation. Good luck again. I get a good feeling from what you wrote.