One sided friendships.

[Len]

I know one-sided could apply to many things, but my case today it's dealing with one friend. So briefly this is how we met, in school, I helped him on a simple computer assignment, and then became friends from there. Helped him when he was about to go to jail, with money and transportation. The friendship began with me helping him for a bit, I thought I wouldn't mind helping him out from time to time. Then he actually did go to jail, and besides his Mom, I was the only other person to actually go visit him every week if possible and even put money on his booking thing, I also sometimes had to drive to his mom to get money from her to put, which takes a while to do. I basically met him in the time he's been having it really rough, so I figured I'll be the best friend he could have.

 

The friendship was really..rewarding in a way, like whenever I helped, I felt like I did something good, something great for someone who appreciates me, and even says he loves me like a brother. All those words of praise really do get to me and motivates me to do more. Mind you I've been doing this for 2 years + straight, in a row. Like there hasn't been a week where I haven't helped him out. It always consists of, money, then drive to him (2 hour round trip). I really didn't mind this at all, despite not having a job I still got everything done for him, even his damn bills. But because of this, and his hardships, I tried to be the best friend I could be. On his birthday, I got him an mp3 player, and christmas, a 300 dollar tattoo. He wanted to give me something for christmas but I told him I didn't know what. After that he didn't seem to care about giving me a christmas present, and then I mentioned that my birthday's coming up, and he's like when is it? I told him a few times my birthdate, and he still doesn't seem to remember so I doubt he'll remember, not really the point though.

 

So that was like a few months ago. And even then every week, I use like 50~100$+ for gas/bills for him (he pays for gas when he can but rarely) and some of those times he didn't even bother thanking me. But I did confront him one day about it and said, I don't feel appreciated enough. Then he's all like what, do you want a pat on the back or something? Me being insecure i didn't reply. So I just hung up. The next day he texted me an apology which I thought oh cool he apologized, everything must be better now. It kind of did, but not really. Still helping him every week, this time he immediately says he really appreciates it, and sometimes thanks me ahead of time on the phone and it feels like he's using that as a weapon to persuade me to do the favor for him.

 

I mean I thought of him as a really good friend because I told him everything about myself, and how we are COMPLETELY opposites of each other. I trust him a lot, but the funny thing is I don't even think he trusts me as much as I trust him. That's ironic isn't it? He always lectures me about how I need to get a job, and how i need to do well in school, so with him saying that I was thinking, yeah he must care about me because a friend who doesn't care wouldn't bother saying something like this.

 

Basically I don't even know why I said the story above, but it's like I've been helping him out SO much, that like if I don't help him, I feel worthless, so like I really NEED to help him even if I don't want to. It's like helping him makes me feel like i'm worthy, even though a lot of times he makes me feel like my IQ is below 0 and that he's more superior than me..One of the main motivations of me making this thread is this. Whenever I want to hang out, he's always enthusiastic and all "Hell yeah let's chill." Then when we chill, we end up doing an errand just cause I have a car. Oh right he's getting his car soon as well, so once he gets his car, I'll be rendered useless to him and I'm sure he won't bother to call me anymore unless he needs something. Also whenever I'm in the car with him sometimes the subject about his other friends comes up and there's this one friend he's always like my BEST friend, we'll be lifelong friends 4ever. and he lists other people's name and then he's like the possibility of you and me being friends for a lifetime is pretty slim.

 

Me being sensitive took it as what the hell? After all the things I've done for you, the sacrifices I've made (sold EVERYTHING I own that i value for him), you don't consider me even one of his best friends, just a GOOD friend. it's like he has a branch of friends, and I'm on the bottom tier. I don't get why he has to emphasize BEST friend for, it really hurts my feelings when he says that because I even told him I never had a best friend and that he was my best friend. It hurts so much because every 11:11 or whenever I see a shooting star, I wish that he was a better friend to me, and that he considers me a best friend, I know this sounds really cheesy, but that's the truth. It hurts so much. If he has a BEST friend in arizona, why won't he talk to him and ask him for help all the time? I'm just a good friend, just like a good tool. There's nothing different about that. I bet even if I was considered his best friend, it'll be more a long the lines of BEST tool. Now that he has a full time job, and goes to church every weekend, it's hard for him to find time to hang out with anybody, and when he does have free time, I'm not even a priority when I keep asking if he wants to hang out. His best friend from arizona is coming soon and might hang out with him, so I understand. But he had to say, I'll be lucky if I get to hang out with my BEST friend. But I proceeded to do my regrettable attribute of guilt trip and say, I guess I'll see you when you need me for something then. Then he's like "Dude come on, when you say stuff like that, I mean come on." I just replied with "What?, that's just really the truth." And he's like whatever bud. I'm gonna eat, talk to you later." It's like I'm the only one who's trying to really hold this friendship up, while he's holding onto it cause of its uses.

 

So..It just hurts me that I'm considered a very good tool for him to use, and I'm associated as illegal business when I don't even want to do it (Not gonna get into detail) And that I'm not even considered a best friend..I just wish he didn't have to emphasize BEST friend. I really want to drop this guy, but at the same time my desire to keep him as a friend is stronger. I don't know what to do

[erase this face]

This is a testament to the fact that friendship cannot be bought, which sounds as though what you have been trying to do. You are this person's bank - that is your own doing (you're unemployed?).

 

I figured I'll be the best friend he could have.

 

Why are you so concerned with being the "best" or a "lifetime" friend? These 'selfless' acts, these sacrifices were all done so you could be #1 in this person's life.

 

Take a long hard look at what you're doing and why you're doing it.

[InkkedBree]

I agree with erase the face. A person can have many best friends, and the "best" of friends is only up to the person, how comfortable he feels with, or if he even wants to name the "best" or just have them all equally. I do realize he says "best" but that is up to him. They may very well have a connection you do not know. Besides, doing selfless acts just to feel good and worthy is not a good thing. You're doing it for your self-esteem, for your worth, not for the goodness of your heart for him. And there is no keeping scores in any kind of relationships, unless there is something obvious like this, but you're taking the role of the "matyr" and being the enabler. If you don't like this, then get out of this relationship. Or stop doing so much for him and balance it out.

[Len]

I know friendship cannot be bought, that's not what I'm trying to say. I've been there for him in everything so far, I'm used as a rant so I can listen to him and help him with stuff, when he's in pain, I do whatever I can to help him. I really do care about him. Money isn't even the issue here, I'm basically used all the time I had to help him. I know that my acts maybe selfish or for my own being, but it's also out of the goodness of my heart. There's always a payoff or benefit when doing something isn't there? Also I know why I'm doing this, because I actually in a way love him. No matter how stupid this sounds or how he's treated me, I got stuck in that. I really want to tell him how I feel to hopefully fix this friendship, but with me being insecure and nervous when talking about such, I don't even say what I want correctly. I want to know how to stand up to him without being too confrontational. I just wish he viewed me as a friend, not a tool.

[erase this face]

There is no friendship as far as he is concerned. He is getting his needs met through you, and offering nothing in return because you have shown that this is the type of person you are - bending over backwards, unassertive, nervous, etc. That is not the way to get into a friendship and the proof is: look at where it has gotten you. You're associated with things that aren't even legal now...

 

he's getting his car soon as well, so once he gets his car, I'll be rendered useless to him and I'm sure he won't bother to call me anymore unless he needs something.

 

You have enough insight to see that. Do yourself a favor and cut the ties. This is not worth the investment, emotionally and financially. He has no respect for you, because from what he can tell, you haven't got much for yourself.

 

Pursue other friendships, reach out to others. Stop wasting your time with a man who will never give you the time of day. You are already insecure, continuing on may result in more issues. Next time, don't give out donations so freely.

 

Compromising yourself to maintain a friendship is not healthy.

[Len]

Yeah, I know everything you've said is true, yet I know I'm going to deny it regardless. He knows I'm depressed, can't sleep, but he doesn't know that he's the main source of it. I know my problem is petty, but my depression has always caused me to be like, "Man I just want to die." or just suicidal in general. It won't happen but the depression sucks. I want to handle this so it won't hurt anyone. It hurts me so much to even think about breaking this unhealthy toxic relationship. It's eating me inside out.