what would you have done in my situation?

[ferna3069]

title says it all im going to tell you what happened during the break up. and what i did.

 

ok so my ex and i where laying down cuddling one day. this is when we where together.well when she wakes up she freaks out on me. telling me she does not feel comfterable in her own skin. acting confused.teling me she was scared of the world. the two years and four months i was with her i never sa her act this way.we whent for a walk the day before and two men passed by us.they where average looking. did not pay much attention to us. well she told me she was really scared when they passed by us.something about my ex she was abused by her dad as a kid.i knew by the look in her face that she did not need a bf. so i asked her if she wanted to be friends. she said yes. i told her ok.she started to cry and told me she ruined the best thing that happened in her life.i told her that she did not ruin it and that it was not her fault.she started talking about how she wanted to die.

 

well that night i talked to our mutual friend who knew about her past. told him that she freaked out on me. and that i was real confused. i did not know what to do. well my exgirlfriends mom did not know during this time. and he told me its time that she knew. what whent threw my mind during this time is

 

1 she really needs help

2i did not want to leave and find out she comited suicide

3 if i leave and her mom sees her daughter like this she is going to think i hurt her.

 

alot more came to mind.so the day after i told my ex that i think its time her mom knew. she left out of the room crying. but i never been in this situation. i did not know what to do. i couldnt bear the thought of my ex commmiting suicide.i did not want her to hurt.well when her mom sa her leaving the room crying. my ex girlfriends mom started screaming at me. told me to leave her alone.i tod her that its not my faulf that she was acting like this. after that she started saying yes it is. screaming at me even more . i was so down. i did not know how to tell her this any more. she was asking me what i meant.so she whent screaming at my ex asking her what im talking about.

 

then my ex told her. well after she started crying. forward to what happened after. her mom asked me if i thought i was going to get back with my ex with this. i told her no i just want her to get help.then later on my ex girlfriends mom called me. told me i was sick for trying to get back with her daughter with this. she told me i dont exist to her.told me how i was mean to her daughter at times.told me things that ony my ex knew.

 

i got so devistated when she said this.whent into depression. i never thought of getting back with my ex with this. never in my ife have i ever been called a sick person. i always tried been there for my ex when i was with her. her mom asked me why after two years i never told her. i just did not think it was my place. until she freaked out like that. i did not know what to do. her mom told me to leave them alone. so i did after that my ex contacted me. she was mad because i deleted her and her mom of face book. i told her i cant be her friend. she started getting angrier.she started to be mean t me. until i told her i couldnt do this any more. i dont want to hurt.i dont want some one to be mean. then she started to cry and asked me if she was ever going to see me agian. so i told her to give it a month. im on day 18 and been broken up for a month and 18 days.

 

at this poing im wondering. if i did the right thing by telling her mom. what would you have done different? because something i found out is that she whent to therapy for one day. then she told me they told her she no longer needed it.would you of told her mom. would you of left? what would you have done?and what should i do if she calls?

[fire2therain]

I don't think you did the wrong thing by telling her mom at ALL. Your ex needs help and she needs her family to know so they can support her. As for everything else, I know you want to have complete certainty that what you did was the right thing, and in my eyes everything you did was to help her so don't put yourself down because she can't handle her life right now. Her mom will thank you for telling her and your ex will eventually thank you for telling her mother. Stop thinking about the would have's because what's done is done and I think you have a lot of courage for stepping up to help someone you obviously care out. I think this girl needs to work on her, and not be in a relationship right now so if she calls I think you need to let her know that you wish her the best but that you need time to heal as well then go NC. You care about her and you did the right thing by telling her mom, but don't feel obligated to keep in contact with her just because she's sick you know?

[ferna3069]

yeah. i see what you mean. i mean i freaked out. i care about her alot. but she went to therapy for only one day.and thats what im wondering. did she really need help or did i do the wrong thing

[cew]

I don't know the details of the conversations that took place, but from what you are saying, I do not think you were wrong in doing what you did. She was talking about wanting to die, and was not interested in getting help. That would concern me greatly. Regardless of whether or not you were in a relationship with you, you still care about her as a person. I realise that you shared personal information, but knowing about her past, and hearing her talk about wanting to die, would set off a red alarm in my mind. The fact that her mother was so defensive, instead of thankful, is another disturbing sign. Again, I don't know how the actual conversations went, but it sounds like she really needs some help. I've been abused, myself, and the lasting effects are not always visible, and often mistaken for other issues. I hope that she gets the help that she needs.

 

One thing, however... unless she specifically said "I never want to talk to you again," or hurt you to the point that it's seriously affecting you, you might want to at least give her the option of e-mailing you. She obviously has a lot going on, emotionally, and an outlet could possibly help her. Her mom obviously has issues, as well, but I don't see any way that you can solve those. Suggest counseling, and then step back, which it sounds like you did. And make it clear to your ex that she can talk to you, but that she's not going to see you until she does get some help.

 

I'm no expert. In fact, quite the opposite. This is just my opinion. I hope she does get help, and I hope you can come to terms that sometimes doing the best thing isn't always easy. Good luck to you.

[fire2therain]

Obviously I don't know her but I think she really needs help. You didn't do the wrong thing. A lot of times people go to therapy for one day say they're "healed" then drop out, it's not uncommon imo.

[ferna3069]

well i told her about the month so i can heal.like i said she went to therapy for one day. i dont even know if she will call me after the month is over. but i told her that we need to relax because she tried getting me jelous. what do you think? if i become friends with her i should make it clear no mind games. im her first ever bf so idk

[R J]

Personally I think if you have absolutely no intention of getting back with her then you should concider backing off until things have really calmed down between you two. From my experience it has taken me 4 months to really be ok on my own and not long for the emotional support of my ex. And I also think he needed that long too. I only say this because any 'friendship' signs can be so so easily miss interpreted if she still has feelings for you (false hope can hurt almost as much as the breakup) and a 1st bf is very hard to get over esp when they were with you through a difficult time. Do you still feel you don't want to get back with her?

 

A relationship requires a certain level of emotional stability and independence and it sounds like this kind of behaviour would be more damaging than anything. As said before she and her mum will thank you in the long run also if I've learnt anything from my ex it's that you should'nt be with someone purely out of guilty/fear of hurting them. Would you agree with this advice?

[fire2therain]

I second what RJ said! You shouldn't be with someone out of guilt/fear of hurting them. She needs to learn to heal on her own in my opinion.

[ferna3069]

yes i agree with your advice completely. i dont want to give her false hope. but to be honest i still love her. i dont know how to stop loving her. i dont understand why my love for her wont go away.i been doing no contact. and i been going to the gym.also i have been looking for a new job. i want to get over her so i can be her friend like she wanted but i dont know how. to be honest she is my first true love. i never spoiled any one like i did her.

[fire2therain]

Losing a first love very very hard. It's one of the hardest things to go through, but you have to let her go. You want to be a friend to her eventually, and I think you guys can eventually be friends-after both of you heal. My ex had to let me go to let me heal with my depression issues and me and him are good friends now. I really appreciate it. The saying "if you love something let it free" really comes into play in situations like this. May I ask how old you are?

[ferna3069]

i am 21 and she is 23. i know we probably will just be friends. because she said she just wanted to be friends. she cried after i told her i couldnt be her friend. then she got so mad at me. but i do care about her way more then she knows. this month has been the hardest month in so long.our relation was likeno other. we had to fight to be together . kinda like a romeo and juliet story. but of course at the end they dont end up together. but after 5 months out of the two years and four months we where together, every one accepted the relation. well her brother would always be mad at us. because i always spoiled her. i was always there for her.crazy thing though i was closer to her then her brother was to his wife. and it was long distance

[ferna3069]

can you ladies say what you have to say? and read this post later on today or tomorrow? i really need a womens advice. but im about ot go to the gym

[ferna3069]

well im back. what do you think of what i said last. where it says our age?

[R J]

Hi,

 

The more you talk about the relationship the more it seems that you're not 100% on how you feel. With emotions playing such a big part on both sides of the relationship it could make things worst. You've acknowledged that you don't want to give her false hope but if she were to read how you've described your feelings for her and how much the battle to stay together meant she'd have little choice but to think you want her back.

 

Are you saying you miss her but not enough go back or do you just not want to go back while she is like this??

 

There are two separate situations for her and unclear feelings between you could exacerbate one over the other. Again I only say this because signals are so easy to misread esp when you've other things on your mind.

 

You want to be her friend but you still love her and she will clearly have more than platonic feelings for you so I'd say if you don't want to go beyond friendship you HAVE to give it time. A breakup isn't easy for either person (whether they ended it or not) as I'm finding out.

 

In my own situation my ex broke up with me after I pushed him away because of something emotional I was going through. Even though he wanted to be friends I think he suddenly realised it's just not that easy for either party to just be friends after a romantic relationship and he didn't speak to me for 4 months. We're talking now and as much it genuinely killed me to think he didn't care or that I'd never get through my pain without him I can't say I regret our time apart because in retrospect I wasn't an emotionally strong person. Sometimes wanting to help means backing off so they can help themselves. Impatience to move to a friendship won't help in the long term. Both your and her emotions will take longer to heal than you think but how long it takes is just a testament to how much you meant to each other.

[O-shen]

I just want to say.............i think you did the right thing, and also...............no-one has said yet.....................

The mome sounds like a PHYSCO.

 

You sound like a good bloke, sad situation your in.

 

In summary i would help as much as you can and want, WITHOUT hurting yourself.

[ferna3069]

to be honest i love her. i do want to be with her. but i did no contact because i dont want to be selfish. and wanting to be with her while we talk.she said she wanted to be friends.she herself said im not going to have a bf for a looong time. this hurt me so bad. but i understand and thats why i decided to give her space to.it was weird because i felt like she contradicted herself.told me she did not want a bf or whatever. then i told her i would send her stuff back. like her childhood things that she gave me. or her class ring.because its stuff that is important and in the long run she will regret not having it. she told me when i told her that to save it. then i told her that its important to her that she really needs to have it. after that she told me to save it until im ready.i just wonderd ready for what?the whole situation to me was like no other.

 

she told me to wait for her at first. then she told me not to wait just incase. she just whent back and fourth. then what hurt me was when she was talking bad about me.she never once opened her mouth and told me it botherd me when you did this. kinda like she would always tell me cuddle me. so i would cuddle with her. later on her friend and i where talking. and her friend told me that my ex told her. that i cuddled with her once . and she did not want to. but she did not tell me anything about it. i always told her if you ever feel uncomfterable tell me. you dont have to do anything you dont want to. i would even get mad at her at times.. because she would do things she did not want to. this situation is weird. because my ex would be extremely clingy. she would follow me all over the place. and i would tell her go spend time with your mom. because your going to get tired of this. then her mom told me that i always told her to come with me even when my ex and her mom where spending time together.

[ferna3069]

actualy alot of people say she sounds like a psycho. because she left her daughter. with the person that abused of her. which is how she got pregnant with my ex. i remember when i was there that her mom was saying to my ex girlfriends dad. she was saying. i feel guilty because i did not fight harder for them. i thought they where better of with you.

 

during this time i just thought to myself. wait she told us that he pretty much raped her. my ex girlfriend and her brother would always talk about how bad they where treated while they where there. they would not be able to eat. they would have to do every ones chores. including the stepmoms and her daughter. who is the same age as they are. they where pretty much treated worst then servants. because atleast servents can sit on the couch. and they get paid. they took all there school money that was supposibly for food. then they whent on vacation with out my ex and her brother.i blamed myself for so long. but there is times where is see it as this has nothing to do with me. and times that it its at me .

[ferna3069]

times that it east at me i ment

[R J]

You are indeed correct about it not having anything to do with you. It is your compassion and empathy that is causing the most dismay. Clearly you care for her and you seem to harbour such deep guilt because all you want is for her to be happy. In this situation there are no quick fixes. You love for her has clouded your judgement of a situation that is way beyond what you can actually control.

 

My ex did the same in a way. He was very into me once we started dating and when I went through my emotional hard time he put everything on hold to be there for me but it he couldn't see how eventually it'd drive him crazy. I wanted him to wait until I'd gotten better but he didn't see anything wrong but love had blinded him. Like you, I was the one telling my ex to go and be with his friends and have his own life at least a couple of days a week because he commited to a point he started to loose himself in wanting to please me and like you, I occassionally felt angry when I knew he would do something just to make me happy but it not being something he wanted to do. I hated it when he wouldn't tell me what he wanted/didn't want. It sounds stupid but a healthy/happy relationship doesn't need someone that gives you EVERYTHING and ALL their time ALL of the time as it can become sickly sweet so that even though they're not doing anything wrong it still doesn't feel right.

 

Anyway I think, I can understand the psycho reaction but it's so not like that and as you've explained there is a history and explaination for her and her family's behaviour (sorry I feel very defensive about mental health as even in todays society too many people through around words like psycho and it's just not fair).

 

to deal with this situation you need emotional clarity. Right now you sound like you're so over whelmed with the things that have been said between her, your friend, her family its all gone into over drive. But this exactly why you need the space and she does too. Also try not to think too heavily on what she's said about not having a bf for a long time. In her situation it actually sounds like she's being very wise to not want ot drag you into this. You've made her sound like she's going through a lot and I can tell you that at the moment some of what she says/does can not be taken a perminant, hence the 'just in case' comment. Acknowledge that she has been DEEEPLY affected by her past and that any attempt hope that hse will heal in a few week/months will only hurt you. Her 'flip out' moment indicates only the very beginning of her coming to terms with her life and she will have relaps in her life.

 

Having said this it is perfectly possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has had extreme emotional upsets in their life. My dad died while me and my ex were together and ever since people think I'll never be stable again. In fact many people refuse to believe I function normally but these are people who have read far too many soap mags and watched too many psycho-dramas. People live with thing all the time and in time your ex can have a happy relationship as well. It's a long road for her but you can only focus on your healing NC is right for both of you it's just that, like good medicine, it doesn't always feel right at the time.

 

Best,

[ferna3069]

you are right about this and i completely agree. the only thing is what do i do if she contact me after the month is over? she told me to please not forget her. i want to be there for her. many people told me to introduce myself agian. like some one she has never met. that way it would be a clean slate and there would be no hard feelings.

[R J]

Well you can only wait for that moment. You need to put the end of the monthout aside because there is so much you need to do in order to be healed and emotionally stable once this month is up and also for your future. It's hard I know. I have 2 weeks until me and my ex start classes again at first it was all I could think about (that first day back) but I wasn't really getting anywhere by stressing about what may happen (many times I've hyped myself up for when I might see him again and he ends up not coming to uni at all). It's not worth the worry. Living in the day to day is all you need to focus on.

 

There are so many possible out comes once this month is over and all I can say is that healing and focusing your energy towards your own personal development are things you can do to prepare for any eventuality. I hope she is doing the same too because if she is this focused on you (as great as that might sound) it will soon be revealed whether she herself has gotten better.

 

Focusing on the other person is such a caring thing to do but in any relationship it's more respectful and helpful to present YOURSELF in your BEST light when you talk again. Also try and see this as a break from the drama side at least and don't let your fears about her get in the way of that. Both of you are responsible for yourselves first and each other second.