What Is She Thinking After Dumping Me?

[skynet74]

Just curious what goes through the mind of someone who dumps you after a long term relationship. For Example....... My Ex and I were together for 10 years. Now she moved out and never calls. She Told me at one time she wanted to be friends and would always want me in her life. However she has recently stopped calling. She even went from getting her mail twice a week to only coming by about once every two weeks! She'll talk if I initiate the phone call, but that's it. She is purposely making an effort to Not Make An Effort. (You get the picture)

 

So has anyone here Dumped a person only to stop calling all together? What were you trying to do? Is it some sort of a game where she just wants me to run after her (or) am I just not important to her anymore? She told me before that she wants to be friends but not just yet. So what is THAT supposed to mean? Is She saying that she doesn't want to be friends until she is completely over me or that she doesn't want to be friends until I am over her? Could it also mean that she doesn't want me around if she still thinks she might be tempted to go back with me? All these things are running through my mind and I'm just looking for some answers tonight.

 

After 10 years how can you go from wanting to marry a person to suddenly not even calling anymore. What's The Deal?

 

 

John

[wickedbusa]

I'm not a dumper, but a dumpee, and all I can tell you is that people do some strange things in life. There is no telling what is going through someone's mind when they dump you, especially when it comes to long term relationships. I think it's kind of one of those mysteries that will never be solved.

[CherryGrl]

I have dumped a guy and had no further contact with him. This was not a game for me, I was honestly finished with the relationship and didn't have anything I wanted to contact him about. (That relationship lasted 8 years, by the way, it wasn't a quickie.)

 

As for her telling you she wants to be friends, people sometimes do this if they want to let you down easy. You're miserable and upset and she wants to avoid being cruel, so when you say "can't we be friends," she says, "sure I would love that." It's also possible that her definition of friends differs from yours.

 

I know from your recent posts that you don't really want to hear this, and I don't want to sound harsh, but maybe she's not coming back. From other posts, it doesn't sound like the relationship ended all that abruptly. If I remember correctly, she left you once, got involved with another guy and then started seeing you again when he died. She said she would move back in, but two months later changed her mind and said she didn't want to.

 

At some point you may just have to accept that she's gone and get on with your life, as hard as it is to do. If she decides in the future that she made a mistake and wants you back, at that point you can decide if you still want her. By then you may have found someone new. You sound like a caring and devoted guy, and there are plenty of women who want a man with those qualities.

 

I know how much you are hurting over the breakup, John. 10 years is a long time to share your life with someone. It's very painful when you are still so much in love and want to get married and start a family but she doesn't want these things with you anymore. I really feel for you, and I hope you can start to feel better soon.

[skynet74]

Well after 10 years I really don't feel it's over. We had such a strong bond. She just started acting strange this year. I attribute it more to a phase (or) just wanting to re-capture her youth. She never had a REAL boyfriend befor me. She's probably wondering what else is out there. So

maybe now she is trying to find that out. We'll see.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

 

 

John

[Francis]

Hi John,

 

I was a dumper twice, in two four year relationships, they did not asked me to marry them and I assumed that they did not want committment with me because, for some reason, I thought they were looking elsewhere or whatever. My mind would not think clearly. I did not make free and informed choices, there was my family, there were envious friends, I was naive, there was resentment.

 

Dumping these two guys were very bad choices for me to make and I certainly did not do them wholeheartedly. I was confused and if I were not extremely careful and picky, for sure I would have ended up with some major losers. It had a lot to do with my insecurities, problems in the relationship that were never solved, incapable to communicate or even to be aware of my feelings, my concerns. Complete lack of discernment. Dumbness and darkness that lasted many years.

 

The 2nd boyfriend I dumped begged me that we both seek marriage counselling (he asked me to marry him right away). But I was completely insensitive towards him. I had no feelings for him anymore. I had bad crushes on total losers with whom I never developped a relationship.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I think that for women it is very difficult to express one's needs and emotions. Women are terribly repressed, thereforeeee we suffer in silence and the day comes where we can't take it anymore, we snap and we don't even know why.

 

I'll give you an example with a girlfriend of mine. She married an architect, and she was a childcare nurse or something. She had a business in her field, he worked in his field.

Then he found a really good oportunity for his career in a very small town : they moved there but she could not work anymore; she had to sell her business and become a housewife in the new town.

She told me she was kind of sad because her husband never really cared about her career, her career was secondary to his, while she was making much more money with her business.

Anyway, then they had only one income and a limited one. She could not afford to buy anything, no clothes, nothing. They had a house and a car, that's it. His salary was not very good. She again was quite bitter because they had no money and she could not even get a job.

On top of that, they could not afford to go on vacation as a family, so that she encouraged her husband to go on vacations on his own because he was the breadwinner, and he enjoyed vacations every year without his wife and kids. She was getting quite bitter about this (I could see that) and she even packed her husband's luggage and told him : Don't forget to take some condoms! I want you to have fun!

Her husband is a very good man and he would have never allowed all this to happen if she had expressed her feelings (as opposed to most men) but he was not aware at all of her feelings. He was just enjoying himself and never thinking about her interests. He only thought about his own comfort, he never worried about her confort.

On top of that, when she was younger, she even got a breast augmentation to please him more, although he was somewhat flirtatious with top heavy women.

Anyway, one day she had a crush on this 25 yr loser they rented the basement to and she left her husband who was at loss. I mean, I was only a friend of the family but I had noticed how she felt about these issues. How come her husband never realized anything????

 

So, you have an idea of how things may happen. I am afraid I could not explain why. Hope this helped.

 

Take care!

[Mr Mister1]

I myself have been wondering what's been going through the mind of the girl I stil love. She transfered Universities to be closer to be but in the process didn't htink I was willing to make any sacrifices for her and didnt "give a stuff" so when she arrived here she decided to just be uncontactable for a month then soon after got involved with someone who REALLY didnt give a stuff about her. In the process of her moving I really wanted to do something to help but there wasn't much I could do and whenever I tried to offer she'd just tell me not to worry about it. The mind still boggles about how she could think I didn't care and then whyshe got involved with someone who didn;t make a secret that he didn't care.

 

One thing that does happen is when girls have low self esteem they don't feel they deserve anything better than some jerk so that's who they go with. If they get involved with someone who treats them properly they start telling themselves that the guy doesn't really care about them because "why would he I'm not worth it!" This soon turns into resentment towards the guy when in effect he had done nothing wrong.

If anyone knows how to help girls like this out do let me know.

 

I must confess I have once been a dumper, although this relationship didn't last very long. We had gotten "together" one night but never saw each other again for over a month, I'd ask her out to places but she was always busy doing something else and I'd call her because I wanted to talk and again she could never stay long for some reason. Eventually I got to the point where I simply said "this isn't working, you never talk to me, you never see me, I don't see how we can be a couple like this" She was upset by this but didn't really try to make things work after that and infact didn't talk to me again. I don't know if that helps as far as what goes on in the mind of a dumpers mind though as it was quite a specific situation.

[Azure13]

I can't say for sure whats going through her head.. but it looks like from the jist of it that shes taken you for granted for a while and is continuing to do that. She knows she has you.. and of course we know that we all want something more when we know we can't have it. Also, people respect people who respect themselves more.. and know that they can't walk all over them (not saying you don't respect yourself, but you might be coming off that way to her). I don't know.. but about the whole phase thing.. if it is really a phase then you need to totally distance yourself from her, physically, emotionally.. don't talk to her or even see her.. if its really a phase then when you've been gone long enough for the reality to really hit her, she might snap out of this "phase." If you really were a good thing for her, trust me she'll miss that when she starts feeling lonely and things start sinking in for her whats gone. It might take her to look around at some losers even in the mean time, but trust me if shes smart and you really were good to her (and you sound like a good guy) she will miss that in time. Something similar happened to me once.. he seemed like he was snapping out of his "phase" (after we had been broken up for about a month and a half with no contact at all b/w us) but he really only did so because he was scared and felt he needed me again.. also sometimes with long term realtionships it is just easier to forget the baggage of everything even more bc so much has happened its just easier to try and leave it behind in a way (from the dumper's perspective mostly). You should try looking around for some nice girls.. seriously just try it I'm not saying you should go through with anything with anyone, but just try looking around at least.. and in the meantime, don't talk to her.. she sounds like she's taking you for granted big time. Thats just my take on it although I don't know for sure of course, good luck and I hope you feel better

[skynet74]

You sure make a lot of sense Azure13. So do the rest of you. I totally believe she is taking me for granted. Has a pretty good power trip going on at the same time as well. I think that she felt I would totally sink without her. Well so far I am still floating (and I'm starting to swim now too!)

 

As of tonight I feel I am getting stronger. Of course as we all know there are good and bad days. Tomorrow morning I may be crying in my Froot Loops. Who knows? But right now I'm doing O.K. So that's a step in the right direction.

 

After 10 years and all the good times we had, I know that it's going to be hard for most men to compete. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but the Ex and I had some real fun times in some very cool places. After the break up She started dating guys who Drink excessively and guys who chew their nails and spit them out on her floor. How much more of that before she comes running back?

 

Something tells me..... it probably won't be that long.

 

 

Thanks again everyone,

 

 

John