NC-She can't be with my friends or talk to me. Hard for her.

[JohnnyTable]

I have been in NC with my ex for about 10 days now.

 

She recently opened up a little and explained that it is hard for her because:

 

-She doesn't know how I feel or what I am feeling

-She feels weird for not talking to me anymore (we used to talk every day)

-It is hard for her to stay away from my friends because I am always with them.

 

I am not sure what she expected. These are all consequences of a breakup that she initiated.

 

I am also not sure how to respond yet.

[confused33]

Thats a tough situation. If she is the one that initiated the break up then there are a couple of things that could be going on. She could want you back in her life, she knows what she let go after you did the no contact and now shes trying to get you back or the other take I have on it is she just cant drop your friends. Its really hard after a break up to start your life over. One thing is you had the same friends for a while, while you were dating and now shes having a hard time of making different friends. Its very hard. I still hang out with my ex's friends because they are a positive influence in my life and I care about them very much.

[JohnnyTable]

She initiated the breakup.

 

The friends that she is referring to are a recent group. However, I am much closer to them than she is. I have spent the last two months or so with them. They are fantastic. She has gone out only a few times with them.

 

I am affraid that she wants me back in her life, but only for the selective parts that she wishes (like talking to me, having my support, etc) but not the remaining part... ie commitment, monogammy, etc. I am not interested in becoming "just friends."

 

I am not sure how to go from where I am now to finding out if she actually wants *me* back. Perhaps I just need to tell her that the things she is experiencing is a consequence of breaking up with somebody. If she really wanted me back, she would have to try. I don't know if I would even take her by then.

 

If she wanted to know how I felt, I would tell her the truth. I am feeling great. I am positive. I am making new friends every day.

[CherryGrl]

Has she said she wants you back?

 

Or is she simply stating that it's hard to not talk to you or know what you're feeling and not to hang out with your friends? I think that's probably the case for most people who break up, whether they're the dumper or the dumpee. You have to deal with not talking to her every day and not knowing how she's feeling, and she has to do the same.

 

It's part of what she bargained for when she decided to end the relationship. Losing some friends who are primarily your friends is also part of the bargain. (You, on the other hand, did not bargain for any of this, but you have to live with it anyway, so who is she to complain?)

 

I read another post of yours and it sounds like you are handling the 10 days of NC pretty well, but she would like to bring a bit more drama into the mix. In fact the drama is probably a direct result of how calmly you have handled the NC. I guess she must have expected that if she ran you would run after her, and now she's feeling off-balance because that didn't happen!

 

If you are feeling great and are making new friends, why would you even want her back? Were you feeling great when you two were together? Do you feel like she's the one for you and you will never find anyone as good as her?

 

If, as you said in another post, you tried to save the relationship for two months before she left, and after that she said bye-bye and left anyway, she really has no cause to get upset now if you don't call her, or if it's not convenient for her to hang out with your friends because you are with them.

[JohnnyTable]

CherryGrl,

 

Excellent response. Thank you.

 

She has not said that she wants me back. In fact, I figure that she doesn't right now. You are right that she is curious about how I am feeling and missing some of my friends. Of course she should have thought about this up front.

 

I am doing okay with the NC. I still love her and we were together for 5 years.

 

I ran after her for about two months. I am tired of running. If she wanted me, then she would have to chase after me instead. It is fairly obvious from some of her earlier notes that she wanted me to chase her like I did during the initial breakup. I did a 180 degree turn and have started in the opposite direction, especially with the help of NC.