whatatodo Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I feel just the same and I don't know how to deal with it. My life feels like it's over - i have to see him every day at work, and i pray for the end of the day so i dont have to see or hear him, but the end of the day comes and im gutted i wont be spending time with him like i used to wondering what he's doing, who he's with (even though given the chance id choose not to know) i can't eat, i cant fall asleep, and when i do i dream of him only to wake and check my phone knowing he wont have contacted me, then i go to sleep dream some more about him wake up, cant sleep alarm goes and im filled with sadness that he's not next to me, and then have to try to make myself look gorgeous for work and pretend i feel amazing for the day when im dying inside..... then it starts again. fridays are painful as i know i wont see or hear him (even though i dread it during the week, yet like the comfort of knowing he's there) for the weekend, then the weekend i constantly check my phone to see if he's texted knowing he wont have done.... my head goes in to overdrive wondering where he is and what hes doing questioning how he can so easily move on and im feeling the way i am. everywhere i go at the weekends makes me think of him and i worry il bump in to him. everything feels awful and it feels like it's getting worse not better, i'm over a month in to the breakup now and i still can't stay angry at him.... i can feel it for a milisecond but thats all. i feel consumed and i know only i can help myself but i can't even do that Link to comment
find sanity Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 03/01/2011 Six weeks seems like six hours. I miss him today just as much as I missed him the day he left. I feel fortunate at least that he is no longer living in the same area as me but the haunting thoughts of what he is doing or who he is with is still with me. As much as I try to force myself not to have these thoughts, it could be a song or a conversation that the thought would crop back in. I guess I have these thoughts because he said I was the best thing that has ever came into his life and he loves me like none other. I believed every word he said. Call it gullible but I take people at their word until proven other wise. This is not the way I wanted him to prove he was not being honest or maybe at the time he was. Even sticking with him thru his issues and being the supportive and encouraging one has not counted I guess. I wonder if he misses me, I wonder if he thinks of me and if his thoughts are of the good memories. There was more good than bad and I know with his disease that is a lot to be said. I just miss him and I love him.... Link to comment
find sanity Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 03/02/2011 Tonight I continued my "goodbye" letter to him. When I started it, it was on Jan 9th and only now I have been able to open it again and read it. I have added more knowing that all I have added tonight is still not the end of it. I cried as soon as the first words started again on the letter and I kept on crying till I wrote everything I needed to write tonight. Once the letter is done, I will print it out take a walk somewhere quiet and burn it alone. I have not reached there as my tears are as fresh today as they were the day he left. I read it is good to cry. I need to cry.... The time is getting close for me to close this chapter in my life, I am just not there yet but I know it is close...just wanted to share. Link to comment
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