The potential for a huge Train wreck! (subject updated)

[ZeMLB]

Ok - so a quick BG. I'm 28, she is 20. We have known each other for 6 months or so and in that time have gotten to know each other "on the surface" only. There has been mutual attraction, and a week ago I finally got up the nerve to ask her on a date. Date went well, she stayed the night, and has done so 5 times in the 7 days we have been "together".

 

Now aside from the odd immediate attachment (I haven't fought it), what's going on here? We haven't had sex, though I have performed oral on her once, and she seems to want it bad. However each time I act on her dry humping, or any other sign that says please have sex with me, she backs off... Only to start back up in 5 min.

 

I half think she has some hang up - maybe she was raped? Maybe she was in an abusive relationship before? Maybe she is a huge tease and is making me pay for something I may or may not have done

 

Sooo.... The question(s) are:

How do I go about asking her about a problem without totally screwing any "mood"? She has been using the "its nothing" line when it comes to her being down more than once…

How do I ask her how many sexual partners she has had?

How do I (or is it even "ok") to ask if she was a rape victim?

How do I ask her what she wants and what her goals/desires are in this relationship?

 

Any other advice you might want to throw this way? This is my first relationship in 2 years (was in a 6 year nightmare before this one) and I don't know if its me being all jaded or her being all screwed up.

 

Hope to hear some good advice

 

-ZeMLB

[sasha505]

I don't think she's been abused or anything. She probably just doesn't want to have sex with you yet but is highly aroused and playful.

 

Take it easy, don't pressure her, don't start prying too much about her past yet.

[ZeMLB]

I don't think she's been abused or anything. She probably just doesn't want to have sex with you yet but is highly aroused and playful.

 

Take it easy, don't pressure her, don't start prying too much about her past yet.

 

That's just it... I have not made ANY of the moves; I've been trying to be respectful and maybe even a little stand-off-ish. The age thing IS a bit of a deal, I really wish she was a little older, I understand women my age better (or so I would like to believe

 

So I guess I'll just stay the course and not pry into her past, though I honestly believe there is something there.

 

I'm way out of my element here - I'm somewhere between treating her like my GF and like my little sister. While it's easy to say DONT treat her like your little sis, its MUCH harder in practice. She is younger than my oldest sister by 6 years - with 3 more her age or younger. Maybe I'm just over thinking it...

 

Bah, this sucks.

 

 

-ZeMLB

*Sorry for the very random strewn about thoughts... I cant sleep.

[ZeMLB]

Now for a quick view into a what has the potential to be a fiery train wreck. I just sent this email off to the lady in question... Likely the worst thing to do, but I'm frustrated after a few days of odd conversations and interactions. I dont like not talking and I dont like not understanding things... so on with it... Mock me if you dare **Names edited to protect the guilty**

[littlelady148]

Sounds good to me. I agree with you, COMMUNICATION is where its at or your nowhere. Nothing wrong with trying to communicate and get a few things straight. You were tactful and to the point and yet did it in a non threatening, non critical way that I cant see her taking offense to. To ignore something that bothers you only creates a bigger problem and the other person isnt even aware there is a problem or something you want to understand or want answers to. TALK TALK TALK you seem to be doing that quite well in my opinion. I just hope she is as willing to do the same .

Good luck and let us know what happens.

[ZeMLB]

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

Update:

Went on vacation right after the last part of this story... She did not come with me (was never planning to).

 

She or I called each night to talk - sometimes for 5 min, others for nearly 2 hours. Not that the conversations were all that deep, just very casual and light.

 

I've been back for 4 days now, have seen her 3 of them - and the results?

 

My suspicions were correct, she HAS been raped, so has her younger sister... Her previous relationship ended with him beating her physically and then kicking her out. (still don't know what exactly went down)

 

We had a "rough" time last night... I was in the room during a phone conversation with her ex. Some things were said that I didnt like. She didnt tell him that she has a new BF, she deferred an invite out to a movie "because she needed to get some sleep" NOT because she didnt want to, or because she has a BF. There were a few other things, but I dont remember all of them, just the ones that really rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Rather than talking to her about it right then and there, I turned silent and let her leave not knowing (but knowing) what my problem was. (yea, really smooth and adult, I know) I called her not 10 min after to talk. Let her know how I felt, asked her what she wanted out of me... etc. Didnt really get an answer to any of my questions, but DID get her to open up a bit, garnering the information about her being raped, her father(less) situation, and her last relationship.

 

Not sure what to do next - saw her for about 5 min today, she was very standoffish - even seeming to ignore me at one point. I want to pin her down and figure out what it is she expects to come of a relationship - any ideas as to the best way to get her to tell me? Flat out asking has failed twice, all I've received is "I dont know" or "you make me feel like no one has before" -- Soooo.... help?

 

-ZeMLB

[littlelady148]

I was reading the letter you sent to her and you said.................We have different interests, and potentially little in common. These things alone shouldn't make things difficult, though they don't help matters either.

 

I really have to argue that point that these things wouldnt or shouldnt make a difference. They DO make a difference in my experience. I mean after the initial "thrill" of a person MAN if you have nothing in common as far as interests, or much else, what would you have??? What would you talk about, what would you do together ?

 

I dont know, after reading your last post, and the way she talked with her ex, I have more questions myself than answers. First of all if some guy beats you up and throws you out, why would she even be talking to him in the first place ? I agree with you, why wouldnt she just say I dont care to go out with you or see you again ? ( obviously she isnt closing the door with him) As for asking her what she wants from you and not getting an answer, .... she gave you somewhat of an answer saying " you make her feel like nobody else has" Im curious though, has she said she likes you a lot, she enjoys being with you, she wants a relationship with you???

Honestly my gut reaction is that she has a lot of problems, and isnt ready for a nice guy except to make this ex jealous maybe in hopes they can get back together and he will treat her better. Maybe there is a lot I dont know here, so I shouldnt say that but from what you have written thats just what I get out of it. How long did she go with this ex? Did she have sex with him? If so, could be in a twisted way she figures by not having xex with you , shes not cheating on this guy????? Oh brother, this is so messed up. I guess what Id like to say is your making it easy to be used. What do you want from me? What should I do? ( that kind of thing) What about you??? Why cant you say to her, LOOK, I like you but Im not playing these games. If you wanted to be with me you would have told the ex either you had someone else, or you didnt want to see him again......YOU DIDNT so IM OUTTA HERE You think things over and decide how you feel about me and about your ex..... If you decide you would like to give things a sincere try with me, and you want to talk openly and honestly with me, give me a call.

Oh boy that was cruel wasnt it?. Guess its the mood Im in but its such a waste of time to sit and wait on someone to MAKE UP THEIR MIND Its so selfish of them to treat you like you have no life .... and should just stay on HOLD cause they want to keep you around , just in case. Hope Im all wrong about this really...but I say what I think and thats what I think right now/

[ZeMLB]

First things first... I like you littlelady - nice to see sane women out there helping us lost guys out

 

I agree with much of what you have to say and will do my best to answer your questions.

 

I was reading the letter you sent to her and you said.................We have different interests, and potentially little in common. These things alone shouldn't make things difficult, though they don't help matters either.

 

I really have to argue that point that these things wouldnt or shouldnt make a difference. They DO make a difference in my experience. I mean after the initial "thrill" of a person MAN if you have nothing in common as far as interests, or much else, what would you have??? What would you talk about, what would you do together ?

 

I agree - while we have found a few things we have in common, our conversations have been fairly empty and very brief. I try - maybe too hard... but it all feels very forced and uncomfortable.

 

I dont know, after reading your last post, and the way she talked with her ex, I have more questions myself than answers. First of all if some guy beats you up and throws you out, why would she even be talking to him in the first place ?

 

 

I have no idea... in fact, she is borrowing his extra car (her old car that he took back when they split) right now... been over there nearly an hour as of this post. And while I'm a very trusting and non-jealous guy, it bugs the hell out of me.

 

I agree with you, why wouldn't she just say I dont care to go out with you or see you again ? ( obviously she isnt closing the door with him)

 

She has said to me (and to him, so she says) she wants to be friends with him and nothing more. Do I believe this... maybe just a little, but I have my doubts.

 

As for asking her what she wants from you and not getting an answer, .... she gave you somewhat of an answer saying " you make her feel like nobody else has" Im curious though, has she said she likes you a lot, she enjoys being with you, she wants a relationship with you???

 

She has said that she likes me a lot and that she enjoys being with me... but not that she wants a relationship (though, maybe that's just "understood"?)

 

Honestly my gut reaction is that she has a lot of problems, and isnt ready for a nice guy except to make this ex jealous maybe in hopes they can get back together and he will treat her better.

 

Yes, I think she has quite a few problems - and while I like to help people, I'm not sure how deep I want to get into this. I have HUGE fears of clingy, "sugar daddy", super dependant, etc situations. Who said I was a nice guy?!? If I AM being used as a pawn in some silly get my ex back kind of way, I'm sure as hell not going to be nice about it.

 

Maybe there is a lot I dont know here, so I shouldnt say that but from what you have written thats just what I get out of it. How long did she go with this ex? Did she have sex with him? If so, could be in a twisted way she figures by not having xex with you , shes not cheating on this guy????? Oh brother, this is so messed up. I guess what Id like to say is your making it easy to be used. What do you want from me? What should I do? ( that kind of thing)

 

1.5 years, Yes she had sex with him (they lived together for a year of it), as for the twisted no sex thing - maybe?!? Messed up, yes - I've noticed

 

As for making it easy to be used. Yes I have a bad habit of that, I truly like to help the people in my life. I care for them, give emotional and physical support, financial support when needed (Been burnt a few times), generally, the shirt off my back. I honestly dont know any other way to be - was raised by a single mom being the oldest and only boy w/ 4 sisters. I'm a natural protector/provider with huge issues of my own

 

What about you??? Why cant you say to her, LOOK, I like you but Im not playing these games. If you wanted to be with me you would have told the ex either you had someone else, or you didnt want to see him again......YOU DIDNT so IM OUTTA HERE You think things over and decide how you feel about me and about your ex..... If you decide you would like to give things a sincere try with me, and you want to talk openly and honestly with me, give me a call.

 

Interesting suggestions - dont know if I can pull it off though

 

Oh boy that was cruel wasnt it?. Guess its the mood Im in but its such a waste of time to sit and wait on someone to MAKE UP THEIR MIND Its so selfish of them to treat you like you have no life .... and should just stay on HOLD cause they want to keep you around , just in case. Hope Im all wrong about this really...but I say what I think and thats what I think right now/

 

I'm fairly certain that you are correct... and thats what makes me want to bail - and bail sooner rather than later. I hate being used and I hate being the fool. I have this horrible feeling in my gut - one I really done like. I really wish I could find someone more my type, before her I had been on only 2 dates in 2.5 years (both horrible) - so maybe I'm just doomed

 

Thanks for the help lady!

 

-ZeMLB

[littlelady148]

I think I have been too harsh bad habit. Maybe its because it makes me mad when your a caring person amd yet , to some, its like you have a big sign on your head SUCKER. Ive been there myself so maybe thats why I get so fired up reading your posts LOL You know, if you only have had a couple dates and are not very experienced with women, dont feel bad that things go wrong or you misjudge someone. You learn as you go, and although there are those who see you as someone they can use , there will also be those who see the kind of man they can respect, and love and who will treat them the same in return. The fact is there are just some women and men out there that WANT the drama and cant accept a nice guy other than someone to take advantage of.

If the girl hasnt said anything about wanting a relationship or doesnt act like you two are a couple.... then you could just be pushing too fast and being too possessive too. Maybe the best thing would just be to back off with the questions, lay back and dont rush things. If the ex is still in the pic and she sees him (friends? I dont think so, but...) lol just date if she wants.... see what happens. If she cant get to the point where you know she is in your corner then just move on. There are lots of girls out there, and you will meet someone else. Dont give up but dont make it your goal in life. Do things, get out, have some fun with friends, and I think if this girl really wants a relationship with you YOU will know. Your gut feelings are usually right, and Id go with them, if things dont get better. BIG HUGS RELAX lol