Divorce or Rebuild....need help for a friend

[sideline-friend]

okay...I'm new to this, but I'll try my best. My best friend (her) has been married for 2 years now to her husband and they have been together for about 7. About a month ago, she realized that she has and has had feelings for his best friend for years. She had a discussion with the best friend only to find out that the feelings were recipricated. They talked about their love for one another and how they knew it was wrong, but they couldn't stop how they felt. Over the course of the last month they talked everyday about how they feel for one another and have kissed. I had always told her that she needed to do everything possible to save her marriage, that she made a vow...etc. However over the last couple weeks, I have been spending time with her and the best friend and I completely see that they are indeed in love...and when I ask her who makes her happy, she says the best friend. I told her that I could see that she's happier than she's ever been, and that while I don't completely understand, I will support her. Well, hubby found out about 2 weeks ago that this was going on...and understanbly went crazy. He told her to break it off with him, they could never talk again (which is hard cause she and the best friend work together) and that he could never be a part of her life. To which she replied, I can not do that...I want him in my life....so he says you either tell him that or I want a divorce...so she gets forced into these situations...not doing them of her own accord. That has now happened twice. 2 days ago, he told her that she had to write the best friend a letter saying essentially the same thing, or he was getting a divorce. So, she calls the best friend and tells him that whatever she may sent it's completely a lie and to disregard it....that she doesn't want to end her marriage cause she wouldn't send a note. The husband at this point is telling all of his friend and her family about everything that is going on...trying to get them on his side....which I find very odd, as this is a sitaution that should involve him and her and what's missing in their marriage and not a competition to gain support and pressure the other one to make a decision. Anyway....I have talked to my best friend and she's very confused...and scared and depressed. She has told me that ultimately she wants to be with the best friend, but she is going to make damn well sure that she is doing the right thing, so she is going to go to marriage counseling with her husband and see if she can salvage her marriage, but she told me her heart belongs to the best friend and she's just going through the motions of making sure she does the right thing before she leaves. She has told the best friend that if she leaves her hubby, it is not soley because of him, it's because it's what she needs to do to be happy and that he does make her happy. Has ANYONE been through this before? I'm confused and not sure I'm giving the right advice here.....she tells me time and time again that she wants to be with the best friend, even if it doesn't work out.....and then she'll flip flop and be like I think i'll do the safe thing and stay with my hubby and try to work it out. I'm just at a lost at this point as to what to do. and for the record, the best friend and her did start sleeping together about a week ago, and the hubby has no idea and will most likely never find out. The hubby decided while all this was going on, to go on his planned vacation to visit someone who hates his wife in the first place....while he left her at home and meanwhile she couldn't figure out why he didn't stay to try and work this out. Anyway..the hubby now says he realizes what he's be doing wrong, that he'll do anything to save the marriage, that he'll change (which he's said for the last 3 years that he wouldn't) I'm just confused and wondering if anyone has any insight or has beent through this before. Honestly, as awful as this may sound.....the best friend may be the best choice in this scenario. any thoughts?????

[tRiKTa]

Well I think that what she is doing now is the right thing by going to marriage counselling but obviously she can't have both men. She needs to sit down and think to herself what she wants without any pressure to make either decision. If she is pressured into staying with her husband she will still always think about the best friend, and think "if only..." and "what if..." and her heart will not be in her marriage but elsewhere. However if she chooses to be with the best friend i think that she needs to realize that is a one way road and there is no going back. I can't ever imagine that the husband would take her back after this.

 

From the sound of things the best friend is the person who makes her happy and the husband does not. If she is certain this is how she feels then she should divorce and be with the best friend, if she does not she will most likely be unhappy in her marriage and her husband will always be suspicious and it will be hard for them to regain the trust that they once had. So overrall yes i agree with you that the best friend may indeed be the best choice in this scenario.

 

I think that it is important for you to stick by your friend and be there for her. But make sure that when she does decide that it is her decision and nobody elses. It is her life and she must take control of it, otherwise it will be something she will always regret letting someone else control her life and not making the decision that she really wanted to make

[single30]

What I have to say is this.

First and foremost the woman is married. Her allegience should lay with her husband. If this friend is a true friend and really loves her, then they will back off and do the honorable thing. If in a few months through marriage couseling, spending time with one another and such, she still feels the same way, then perhaps a divorce is indeed the best answer and she can start dating at that time.

I cheated on my husband when I wasnt' happy, and let me tell you, that when you have a good friend to make you feel better, to put you into a state of a natrual love high, to forget about you life, its not real. I still love my friend very much, but I miss my husband, things could have been worked out and now its too late. He is filing for a divorce. The husband may still want her back now, but that is b/c he is upset and desperate, he may not feel the same way for long, so if she wants to give this is a try... now is the time. Not later. Your friend needs to stop sleeping with the other man, accept responsibility and grow up. I wish soemone had told me that back then. Hind sight is 20/20.

As for yourself, you sound really involved, maybe you need to take a step back and let your friend deal with this for herself.

[single30]

I just posted... my last comment...

I didn't mean not to be there for your friend... all I meant was that, don't let this consume you, you have your own life too.

Good luck.

[steph_M_J]

Hi. I am going through kind of the same thing myself. Except I have a child involved. My husband is at the point that he doesn't care what I do. He just wants to move on one way or another. I know that he will never trust me again and he will always resent me, he has told me and everyone in our family this. I wish I could help,but I need advice too. Just tell her to be strong. And which ever way she decides..maybe it will be a mistake and then maybe it won't...that's just how life is...and if it is a mistake, oh well....ya know. Happiness comes from within. (that is what everyone keeps telling me)