Probably did something really stupid, but it was...

[TrueHeart]

Folks-

 

As you know, my XXBF and I rekindled, and I recently caught him with his XGF in bed. We fought, I ignored him for almost a week now, he sincerely said he was sorry-- the whole song and dance. We started hanging out again, but with him under the understanding that I won't sleep with him, or anything like that.. I suppose I wanted to see his reaction to the whole thing.

 

It started off a few days ago.. He acted over-indulging, extremely affectionate and caring. Almost doting. Still, I would tell him that things haven't changed and I am still upset with him.. He'd lower his head but then continue a few moments later. He almost acted like everything was back to normal again. I asked him if I had done/said anything that made him think that it was ok--- and he said no. I have been extremely skeptical around him, especially everytime the phone rings..

 

I was at his house watching a movie with him and his roomie... and the phone rang (right around the time Jenna would normally call)-- He didn't answer it but commented that he wished she'd stop calling (it was the 3rd time she called in 20 minutes)-- I said "why don't you pick up the phone and just say that then?"-- he didn't reply, and all it did was confirm to me that nothing changed...

 

He left his cell phone at his parents house the next day, and it didn't have any charge in it.. He left it for one whole day, but managed to find a pay phone and his parents phone to call me to say he's thinking of me. ((pretty much anythign he does RIGHT NOW I really don't take seriously)) I met him at his work last night because I needed to talk to him about the arrangement we had.

 

When he got his cell phone, he had 15 missed calls and 7 voice messages!! About 13 were from Jenna, and 5 voice mails she left in one day! He said to me that he had to talk to her because she was getting "psychotic"-- whatever that meant. I gave him the poem I was going to give him and said that I had no use for it, but I worked hard on it and wanted him to have it anyway.

 

He read it, and then replied to me he didn't know what to say. I didn't expect him to really have an answer. He told me that he wanted me to know that it was HIM that needs the changing not ME. He said I've worked hard and come far, and I'm perfect-- but he still doesn't know what he wants... I told him that its perfectly acceptable. I told him I was scared too, and that I don't want to share him for any reason. I did tell him that its not an ultimatum in anyway, but I'm telling him my intent and feelings.

 

Suddenly, I just wanted to be alone after I talked to him a bit, even though our conversation wasn't satisfying anything. I knew he had a phone call to make (to Jenna)-- which convinced me that what I did was partially a mistake. I really dont' want to be around him right now-- and I think its time to initiate the NC rule... That way I can determine if what I got was closure or a new horizon...

[mandylee4christ]

Well, first of all why would you want to be in a reationship with someone whom you caught cheating on you? Can we say major trust issues down the road? THere's the whole argument, if he had no problem cheating on you then whose to say he won't do it again if you continue in a relationship? Second of all, if you are so skeptical and are so angry at him, why continue to see him at all? I mean if you're to the point where nothing he tries can get you back then why waste your time? Just something to consider.

[TrueHeart]

And I perfectly agree. We weren't BF/GF when I caught him, but we were exclusively dating, if that makes any sense. If we were to be with other people, it would only be common courtesy to let the other partner know... well, he didn't fulfill that end of the deal... thats what happened.

 

The reason I needed to be alone after the fact, was that I realized that whatever he could say, wouldn't make me feel any better... so I left. You're right... there are major trust issues, and especially if he's still involved with his XGF. Thats why I felt me being there, doing what I did-- was a complete mistake.

 

Sadly enough... I think I'm content with settling that my efforts to try to win him over a few weeks ago-- fell on deaf ears.. I know he loves me, and he told me he does... but I cannot drive myself crazy anymore..

[cp4200]

I agree with Mandylee - why bother. This is the second time around for the two of you. Once a cheater, there is a good chance that it might happen again. However, under the circumstances, you don't mention how long or how serious the relationship is/was between you and him. When, where how long etc. did he and Jenna date. Was there any discussion that the relationship would be mutually exclusive. That doesn't give anyone license to cheat, but your inference is that there was a strong relationship, however, Jenna is still around. Transitions can be difficult, especially when there is a dependent person on the other side of the equation like Jenna.

 

Tell him to flake off until he can get his priorities in order, and rethink your position and feelings. Why did you go back to him again? And yes, you played the poem card too early, or at least at the wrong time. Sounds as if your feelings are strong for him, yet, you are wanting that exclusiveness and using the NC rule to your advantage.

 

One of the first things that people should discuss entering into a relationship are the issues of mutually exclusiveness, jealousy, trust, and how to deal with friends and exes. Once you can bridge an understanding between you regarding those issues, a lot of problems can be prevented, and the focus can be on enjoying the relationship. Secondly, don't ask questions about each others intimate past until you are either ready for the answer, or until the relationship has matured and a trust is there.

 

Time after time, people do not discuss these issues in advance and make assumtpions. And we all know what the definittion of assume is - don't we? So many relationship problems could be avoided if we added a business perspective to the relationship, instead of it being all fantasy, passion and lust. After all, it is a partnership and ground rules are needed in any partnership, especially a lifelong partnership.

 

CP

[TrueHeart]

I've sent you a PM explaining the majority of the story up until today's events...

 

I know that Jenna is emotionally dependant on Adam. She absolutely will not let go of him, only because I believe this one thing, and I will share it with you all:

 

Adam has everything he does want, despite what he says that he doesn't know what he wants... Of course! When you have EVERYTHING anyways, why want something else? Why complicate it? Why buy the cow, when the milk is free. What upset me the most, and what put the cherry on the cake was that he was indeed sorry---- but not that he did it.. He was sorry he got caught.. or more accurately, that I found out FIRST, and that I got hurt.... NOT sorry he did it... which is the whole issue and the clout of my argument and feelings. Despite if I did or DID NOT walk by the window that night and see what I saw... the point is... the choice was still made.. LOONG before I decided to come over..

 

It is that I still have to remember... thats my driving force..

[Jake212]

TrueHeart,

I know we've only talked a couple times but you have helped me so much with the feelings I'm having toward my ex Caleb, but you need to take your own advice. Your are so right about Adam, he has no clue what he wants or what he has lost. You can keep giving him chances but it sounds like his track record isnt to good. Im at work so I gotta run, I will talk later.

Geez, I wish I would have met you girls during my relationship with Caleb, we might still be together. (I know let it go)

[Mun]

Hi Trueheart,

I have a feeling that if he is lying to you he is probably lying to Jenna. Maybe telling her that YOU are the psycho one--giving him love poems and such. If he feels that he doesn't know what he wants then maybe the best thing is to leave him alone to figure it out.

 

You are not helping yourself by sticking by him. It tends to send the message that what he did is ok. Why? because you haven't changed your behavior toward him much. Even giving him a token of your feelings. Remember : we do not reward bad behavior. That just sends the message that what he did is acceptable ( even if you say it isn't)

 

You already have a history with him. How many more times are you going to go through this?

 

You deserve to be loved and respected

Good luck !

[TrueHeart]

Thanks folks-- all you're doing is really confirming my gut feelings.. As I said before, when I was talking to him, I felt completely uncomforted, unsatisfied and completely like a fool. Thats why I felt like I made a mistake and wanted to leave the conversation immediately.

 

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy....