This is sort of an interesting situation...

[oside_collegegirl]

I'm not completely sure if this is the right catergory for this, but here it goes; when I was 16 I had a relatively nice relationship with my ex, who at the time was in his 20s. We had a good time, and I still look back fondly at the relationship. Problem is, he broke up with me, I got mad, and - I regret doing this - reported him for statutory rape (not traditional rape!). I mellowed out, and he plead guilty (because he was guilty) and was sentenced to probation which forbade him from having any contact with me, but anyways...

 

I see him every once in a while, on the local train, and although we generally don't talk per ce we're polite to each other and when we do chit-chat there doesn't seem to be much tension between us. I'm 19 now, and he's still got a year or so left on his probation, he's still just as cute and funny as he was three years ago, and I was wondering: Would it be okay to at least try to start the relationship again? I'm not thinking that we'll live happily-ever-after or anything corny like that, but I am curious to see if he'll be up for it and to see what might/might not happen. Should I try, or should I just let the issue go, so to speak? Would it be better to try and see what happens, or no? If so, should I wait for his probation to be over, or should I try the next time I'm with him? What would be the best way to get back together with him? Thanks!

 

oside_collegegirl

 

(edited to emphasis the fact that he DIDN'T rape-rape (force-rape) me, I never accused him of doing so, but he did commit statutory rape (have sex with someone under the so-called age of consent, which 18 in my state), which is what he was charged with and plead guilty to.)[/b]

[Scout]

Are you really serious? Too much damage was done in this relationship, and it ended in one of the worst possible ways. It's amazing he's even polite to you when he sees you. I am pretty sure approaching him about renewing your relationship would be met with absolute disbelief on his part that you actually thought it would be possible. Please - find someone else who doesn't share such a negative past with you.

[oside_collegegirl]

Are you really serious? ... It's amazing he's even polite to you when he sees you. I am pretty sure approaching him about renewing your relationship would be met with absolute disbelief on his part that you actually thought it would be possible.

 

Yes, it's quite amazing he's still polite - and he never stopped being polite even after I told him about me filing charges. He's a weird, very laid-back sort of guy - stereotypical Southern California amateur theatre actor. Is it really that strange to think that it could be possible?

 

oside_collegegirl

[Scout]

With just the few details you provided, yes, it sounded very strange! Maybe there was a lot more to it, though.

[loneliestever]

I'm new but I've been reading this forum for a long time, I respect the forum and thereforeeee will try to be respectful here too.

"Strange" is a nice way of putting it, Collegegirl I think what you are thinking about is not only strange but really impossible, you know you accused him of raping you?, I don't know if you understand this but his life will never be the same, how do you know how much it affected him only because he talks to you and didn't kill himself?.

If you want to show him your love it would be a good idea to come forward and accept you lied, tell the court you made everything up and he might be able to get that stigma out of his good name.

[odysseus77]

i have to say you would be delusional if you think he would do it again....you accused him of rape! If a girl i loved accused me of that i would NEVER go back to her because of it hurting my pride, trust, and name so badly....you've got to be kidding

[oside_collegegirl]

"Strange" is a nice way of putting it, Collegegirl I think what you are thinking about is not only strange but really impossible, you know you accused him of raping you?

 

Statutory rape is much, much different than traditional rape. What it means is, I was under the age of consent (18 in California), he was older than me, and he had sex with me. We did have sex during our relationship, and according to the law, he committed a misdemenor. He plead guilty/plea bargained because the D.A.'s office already had the evidence against him and it was a lot easier to do go along with everything rather than lie and go though an expensive and public trial (and probably getting a harder sentence). He didn't serve jail time, he's not a felon, and the terms of his probation are not that difficult to follow (no booze, no guns, no jobs that involve contact with underage girls, no more arrests, no leaving the county to party in L.A. or Tijuana, do community service for a slated period of time, etc.).

Also, I'm under the impression that his conviction is a private matter in his life, with the only people knowing about it is his immediate family, the courts, his parole officer, me, and maybe his apartment manager. He works for his dad, so there isn't any problems so far concerning employment opportunities. So you see, I didn't lie, and if I did try to clear away the charge, would it significantly improve either of our lives?

 

oside_collegegirl

[loneliestever]

I understand.

Let's say you accused him of stealing a pencil, would it be right? No, it's still a lie.

"the terms of his probation are not that difficult to follow", Did he had the need to follow them?, no, he didn't force you to have sex with him.

Would it imrpove your lives? Yours I don't know, his surely because the little people that know about it will know for sure he wasn't a criminal.

He did made a mistake in trusting you, he's paying for that at a very high price, nobody would think he'll make that mistake again.

[OceanEyes]

Statutory rape is much, much different than traditional rape.

 

It doesn't matter - when people hear the word "rape", it sounds the same no matter what word you put in front of it. I'm actually very surprised that he would even attempt to speak to you, I would probably run away.

 

Also, this charge is going to follow him around forever. He may also even be listed as a sex offender in his community now. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but sort of open your eyes a bit. You say that this is a "private matter". That may be true among his friends and family, but I guarantee you that his name is familiar with local police and other authorities. Sex crimes are a very big deal.

 

If I am understanding this situation correctly - you had consentual sex with him, and just because you were angry with him, you had charges lain? So if that's accurate, he's not going to pass government screenings for future jobs, and if he wants to leave to travel at some point or do just about anything with his life that requires him to be "checked out", he's probably going to get rejected. His life is going to be harder because of this.

 

I would probably do my best to make it up to him the best you can: the best way is to have those charges dropped - go to the courts, anywhere and tell them what really happened.

[jessijess]

From what your saying, you didn't lie. Technically in your state it was stagitory rape. But that doesn't take a away the fact that you must have shattered his trust in you. Like someone else said, once you say the word "rape" everything else in the sentence gets blocked out.

This man is now categorized as a sexual offender of minors. For the rest of his life he will have to put that on job applications. He probaly has to register wherever he lives under Megan's Law (I believe, but don't quote me on this, that it must be public knowledge that there is a sexual offender wherever he lives).

Some have said that its strange that he's polite to you. I think it's insane. Especially if part of the terms of his probation is not to have any contact with you.

[cassiana]

You didn't lie. You're ex had sex with an underage girl (you) and he broke the law. To do what Loneliestever suggests and say that it was a lie when it wasn't would be wrong. If there is stigma on your ex's good name its because he deserved it.

Having said that it seems to me that you acted out of spite. People are entitled to dump you and you have to accept it. What are you going to do to punish the next one I shudder to think.

If I were your ex I wouldn't come within a mile of you. It is very civilised of him to be polite but he would be extremely stupid to reconcile with you. The implications are too many. Leave him be for both your sakes.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

a few things.

 

I don't agree with cassiana. Do YOU think what he did was wrong? I mean I really don't know where I stand on this exactly. First of all, sure he broke the law. But did he do soemthing wrong (not a rhetorical question)?. Suddenly 18 is some magic birthday where everyone is mature. BS. What about 17 and 364 days? The law imposes a line of maturity to protect the sancity of children. But the law does a horrible job at judging peoples maturity and what goes on in their heart. If you were very mature and he was immature then I can defintily see how you could meet in the middle and maybe he is labled a "sex offender" in name only. All I'm saying is that I wonder what was going on in is heart. People hear "rape" and they think of pure evil. But law has never been directly aligned with morality. But if he did this just to get lucky then maybe he got what he deserved.

 

Another thing is who started the process of acusing him? Was it your mom? Was it you? Were you mad at him? How many times did you have sex? I'm worried like the rest of the people on here that you have some maturity issues to deal with IF you were the one that accused him of rape, and you're motives were revenge. Cassiana is right. The fact that you can even show interest seems to say that you didn't think that whole rape thing was a big deal. To me it seems like it's just a game with you. I really hope I'm wrong.

[oside_collegegirl]

Hmm.. I'm getting a lot more replies than I thought. Let's see if I can go through them one by one.

 

I understand.

Let's say you accused him of stealing a pencil, would it be right? No, it's still a lie.

"the terms of his probation are not that difficult to follow", Did he had the need to follow them?, no, he didn't force you to have sex with him.

Would it imrpove your lives? Yours I don't know, his surely because the little people that know about it will know for sure he wasn't a criminal.

He did made a mistake in trusting you, he's paying for that at a very high price, nobody would think he'll make that mistake again.

 

What's your point? If he did steal a pencil, it would be the truth. I never "accused" him of doing *anything* he didn't do. For the statutory rape charge, it's completely irrelevant if it was, to us, consentual, non-forced sex; I was under 18, he was over 18, and it's a crime. It's all about the numbers, unfortunately.

 

It doesn't matter - when people hear the word "rape", it sounds the same no matter what word you put in front of it. I'm actually very surprised that he would even attempt to speak to you, I would probably run away.

 

Yea, I logically guessed he would never talk to me again... I was surprised too.

 

Also, this charge is going to follow him around forever. He may also even be listed as a sex offender in his community now. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but sort of open your eyes a bit. You say that this is a "private matter". That may be true among his friends and family, but I guarantee you that his name is familiar with local police and other authorities. Sex crimes are a very big deal.

 

I think I mentioned that the courts and the parole officer knew about - I should have also included "local police", because I am aware that he'd be in their probation-people database. I'm fairly certain he won't need to register as a sex offender (He woulda if I was 15 or younger though... I guess statutory rape with an older teen isn't as bad?), and yes, the fact that it still is a big deal hasn't for a second excaped me.

 

part II...

[oside_collegegirl]

If I am understanding this situation correctly - you had consentual sex with him, and just because you were angry with him, you had charges lain? So if that's accurate, he's not going to pass government screenings for future jobs, and if he wants to leave to travel at some point or do just about anything with his life that requires him to be "checked out", he's probably going to get rejected. His life is going to be harder because of this.

 

No, when I was angry at him I dumped Gatorade on his jeans It was about two or three months after the break-up when I decided to tell anyone - long after I cooled down. I'm not sure if this is a national thing, but here in my area if a minor tells his/her psychiatrist about any form of abuse (statutory rape included), they're legally obligated to tell the authorities. Me, I was sad and I wanted to talk to someone, and there really wasn't any appropriate outlet where I knew someone wouldn't tell my family and my family wouldn't tell my shrink, so (in my opinion) it was only a matter of time before I either went crazy or the D.A.'s office knew about us. My family prodded me into giving up the evidence (e-mails, a few little notes, etc.), and then it was out of my hands.

As for the rest of your comment - he works at his dad's business, so I'm not sure that the no-government-job thing is relevant. The travel restrictions will be lifted when he's done with his probation, and outside of that I don't think they'd be much restrictions at all when it's over, except for not being eligible for some jobs and that *maybe* he'll have to register as a sex offender. (Does anyone here know California law?) Remember, he was charged with a misdemenor, which isn't as serious as a felony.

 

I would probably do my best to make it up to him the best you can: the best way is to have those charges dropped - go to the courts, anywhere and tell them what really happened.

 

If it was that easy, I would have done that the second I turned 18. The way I understand it, there needs to be some real, legal basis for overturning the charge - like a coerced confession, fake evidence, or I'd have to lie to the court myself (and open myself up to perjury charges) and say I made the whole thing up. As much as I really, honestly would like for him to be a completely free man, I'm just not willing to become a criminal myself to do so.

 

From what your saying, you didn't lie. Technically in your state it was stagitory rape. But that doesn't take a away the fact that you must have shattered his trust in you. Like someone else said, once you say the word "rape" everything else in the sentence gets blocked out.

This man is now categorized as a sexual offender of minors. For the rest of his life he will have to put that on job applications. He probaly has to register wherever he lives under Megan's Law (I believe, but don't quote me on this, that it must be public knowledge that there is a sexual offender wherever he lives).

Some have said that its strange that he's polite to you. I think it's insane. Especially if part of the terms of his probation is not to have any contact with you.

 

Yes, he should have absolutely not trust in me, and yes, he very likely has to put that on his job applications (if he ever needs to fill one out). I don't think he has to register under Megan's Law, I'm mostly sure you need to be considered a High-Risk or Serious sex offender for that, which I'd be *very* surprised if he was considered either because of his misdemenor. I think it's very odd/strange/insane he still talks to me, but hey, it's his choice, and I'm not going to report him unless he tries to kill me or something.

 

part III...

[oside_collegegirl]

You didn't lie. You're ex had sex with an underage girl (you) and he broke the law. To do what Loneliestever suggests and say that it was a lie when it wasn't would be wrong. If there is stigma on your ex's good name its because he deserved it.

Having said that it seems to me that you acted out of spite. People are entitled to dump you and you have to accept it. What are you going to do to punish the next one I shudder to think.

If I were your ex I wouldn't come within a mile of you. It is very civilised of him to be polite but he would be extremely stupid to reconcile with you. The implications are too many. Leave him be for both your sakes.

 

Yea I noticed some people here have accused me of lying because they didn't understand statutory rape vs. traditional rape. No hard feelings though. But onto the rest of the stuff...

I'm not going to "punish" anyone for dumping me, well, at least nothing that will require police (is dumping Gatorade on pants in a moment of anger acceptable, if not necessarily civilized? just a little humor...) In particular, I think the fact that my shrink is no longer obligated to tell anyone about anything I say will help me alot for my next break-up. I think my last post has more detail about this, but I'd just like to reiterate that I didn't get into an angry rage and call the police.

And I agree with you about that he shouldn't be at all cordial to me, or to be anywhere near me, but that doesn't change the fact that he is when we meet. In this respect, I do see why it wouldn't be a good idea to hook up with him. Besides, if I thought it was a good idea to try, why would I be here?

 

I don't agree with cassiana. Do YOU think what he did was wrong? I mean I really don't know where I stand on this exactly. First of all, sure he broke the law. But did he do soemthing wrong (not a rhetorical question)?. Suddenly 18 is some magic birthday where everyone is mature. BS. What about 17 and 364 days? The law imposes a line of maturity to protect the sancity of children. But the law does a horrible job at judging peoples maturity and what goes on in their heart. If you were very mature and he was immature then I can defintily see how you could meet in the middle and maybe he is labled a "sex offender" in name only. All I'm saying is that I wonder what was going on in is heart. People hear "rape" and they think of pure evil. But law has never been directly aligned with morality. But if he did this just to get lucky then maybe he got what he deserved.

 

I don't think what he did was wrong, and I agree with everything you're saying. I know it's pretty stupid that I was, legally speaking, too immature to have consented to what I wanted to do - or, for that matter, be responsible for my own actions. I'm not one to judge his intentions when he started our relationship, but either way he was nice to me while it lasted and it would have just been better for everyone if there wasn't any criminal aspect to it.

 

Another thing is who started the process of acusing him? Was it your mom? Was it you? Were you mad at him? How many times did you have sex? I'm worried like the rest of the people on here that you have some maturity issues to deal with IF you were the one that accused him of rape, and you're motives were revenge. Cassiana is right. The fact that you can even show interest seems to say that you didn't think that whole rape thing was a big deal. To me it seems like it's just a game with you. I really hope I'm wrong.

 

Although you could theoretically point me as the root of the charges - I didn't need to tell anyone, I just chose to, for my own reasons - it was my parents who brought it to the D.A.'s office. I wasn't mad at him by that point - I think two or three months had already passed at that point, and at earlier post I have details the exact reasoning behind me telling anyone at all when I wasn't angry - and my motive wasn't revenge. I do understand tha the statutory rape charge is a big deal in and of itself, but that doesn't change the fact that I still have a funny, good-looking, and otherwise nice guy who is willing to chat with me (even though logic says otherwise) and whom I don't believe thinks that the charge and subsequent probation is a big deal. If you think this is some game to me, I do have to bluntly tell you that you're wrong, and if it was a game I would have never felt a need to post on this board. But thanks for your reply - all your replies, from everyone! - nonetheless.

 

oside_collegegirl