Maybe crazy but please help!

[HCI]

Hello!

(english is not my native language)

 

I do not want to sound disrespectful, but I am hurting over a 4 week romance that ended too soon...

 

A new girl started to work at the same place as I about 2 months ago. She was beautful and nice and I was really attracted to her altough I tried to put that aside(I was afraid of feelings, have always protected me from them).

 

About 3 weeks get by and I reaaly start to feel weird when going to the gym one day. When driving home I realise that I have feelings for this girl. The next week at work I hear from a friend that she has been talking about me! and I was happy. We flirted alot and come friday we hook up at a club downtown.(she sent a text mesage that she was there and asked me to come). We kissed and had a really good time. The next day we send some text messages and come sunday we meet for coffee in town. After that we go to my car and make out really intimate for over 1 hour. I said lets go all the way but she said no. Hmm, well first date so I did not really expect anything plus I really had feelings for that girl that went way beyond sex.

 

The next week we see eachother at work and talk on the phone quite a bit. We go on a date next weekend and have really fun kissing passionately and eating, joking and so on.

 

This girl really felt like "the one". She shared the same interests as me really and she always until "the end" used to talk about how she felt something for me the first time we ever talked to eachother at work and how happy she had been when she heard that I worked out alot aswell "so you dont have to sacrifice for the other" as she said. We were very much alike and it was so fun.

 

Now for some depressing text. The second week after hooking up with her we flirt at work and even sneak away for some kissing and so. We also talk alot on the phone. Now here is one of the problems: Around thursday I believe that I have got myself some kind of STD. But since I have a long history of hypochondry plus I used condoms since tested last time I tell myself not to fall in this hypochondry again. My senses tell me it is just some irritation and to wait a few days and see.

 

Problem: On saturday we have a date with food, cinema, and passionate making out when alone upstairs at a café(is it an english word???) She for example removed her piercing from her tongue and said she have never kissed anyone without the piercing before. Everything was great. Until now. I DONT try to take her home with me because I had decided I had to go tested since my symtoms were still there. Instead we kiss eachother goodbye and go home.

 

The following week we cannot meet other than at work because she had a very good friend from another country over which was planned since long. On work however things went quite bad for her. She does not have very good self esteem and she is used to always beeing the best at what she does(said she don´t try things she is not convinced that she will succed in). Since I am one of her bosses she obviousily talks to me abut this and gets really sad when I try to HELP her in different ways. She felt that it was like a reciept that she was bad at it altough she knew it herself (it was a sales job so either you sell or you don´t.) The next day however(week 3 friday) she says she is going to "quit the job and just want to be with me" and we kiss eachother with great passion when no one sees. She then takes a little trip with her friend during the weekend and comes back monday for work. She was to give it one more chance. That day we decides to take a little trip together in about 1,5 weeks time. Everything feels great with her. Me however since getting the clear from the doctors about the most common STD´s is having a difficult sinus infection with some symtoms you know where still remaining so I think I have HIV(I had sex with some VERY risky girls, with condom but anyway risky). I start to freak out and go and take a test tuesday. I will get the result a week from then.

 

That week I then act really stressed out altough trying to hide it to everybody. This girl asks me at work on tuesday why I spend so much time with a new girl when at work.(I had known this girl for 2 years before) I say stupidly is so much fun and we joke and tease eachother all the time". **** goes"that is exactly what we are doing with eachother". I just try to joke about it"well, haha, bad thing to say of me, haha". Her work day is terrible and we talk afterwards and she almost cries saying that she has never failed so hard with a job before and so on. She takes the next two days off. We meet in city thursday for "the last'" date. Myself is worrying to death about my HIV test and we sit and talk and talk. She missed one of her buses and I feel that we talked for too long for it to be really fun. However, when talking she asks me do i mean to you". Since I could not think clear I say don´t know". I don´t ask her. She also asks me if I feel "secure". I say no.

We talked for maybe another 45 minutes and then she went home and I went home.

 

The next day we have a company party and SHE ACTS VERY COLD TO ME. I come to sit beside her and she walks up and go somewhere else!!! She seemed to want to talk to everybody exept me. I get very stressed and starts to think thoughts like, hmm maybe she now likes some other guy she is talking to. Later that night when I talk to her i try to joke a bit about this other guy. She says something like"he is a cool guy". I said half joking a competitor". She then says only competition you have is......then she says the name of her pet that she loves over everything. I felt safe. Over the weekend I have to travel to pick up a car that I imported from USA( I live in Europe) so she went away with her parents to her summerhouse. Well next week on monday she calls and her tone has changed. She talks alot about work and started to accusing me of thing like being very rude to colleagues and so on. That kind of hurt me actually. I could not understand how she could say something like this all of a sudden. Come tuesday she dumps me. On the phone. We were suppose to meet but she tells me on the phone have no feelings for you at all, only friendship feelings." I was extremely sad. The thing is also that I got my HIV test back and it was negative and I was in a really good mood and so before I called her.

I talked in shock on the phone for some time with her and she said that she had decided to think about what "she reaaly felt" for some days and when she thought about it she came to the conclusion that she had no feelings. I ended the conversation and cries all night. The next day I call her up and in state of chock asks her like "how can this be" and so on. She then repeats that she has thought about it much and she has no feelings for me. I hang up after a while. Later I call her because I wanted to return a book to her. She asks"have you finished the book?" I was like no I have not, but I can´t keep it, it hurts too much. She says"put it under your bed" and I said NO! She agreed we could meet at 10pm so I drive to where she live and meet up with her while she is walking her dog. We small talk when walking around the block and when we reach where she lives we stop and then she says do you feel?" I was almost angry and answered"about what? She said about waht happened and I told the truth. She goes on like"I know how it feels, yada yada" She says that she really, really wan´t to be friends with me and that she will be so sad if I don´t call her. I said well let´s meet like friends in two weeks and see how it feels. She had also quit the job that we both felt was not good for the relationship so I said lets start slow and see how it feels when we don´t have work anymore. She says like"I know how I feel, I wan´t to be friends, period" She then looks at me and go for the kill have absolutely no feelings for you". She is very cold and absent almost this whole time(total opposite of normal) and I get upset and asks her"did you ever have feelings for me? She then gets tears in her eyes(first emotional reaction from her) and hesitates before answering It doesn´t matter!!" I then go home.

 

When we dated(on the last date actually) she also said that she was really hurt two years ago when her ex left her. She went crazy for 1 year and after that had really big trouble with emotions. She said she had promised herself never to be that hurt again and she was certain she was not going to be.

 

 

 

What is making it impossible for me to get over this is

1. She was perfect. We had very much incommon and she was very supportive of me in every way. I felt that she was the one.

2. Since I for the last 2,5 weeks thought that I had different STD´s and HIV! I was not myself. I wasn´t romantic at all and I felt that I really blew it.

 

What is the way to go. The way that comes to mind for me is to meet her as "a friend" a little and just try to be myself. And a bit flirty without saying to her to much. Reminding her who I really am. What do you think? Is it worth a try?

[Mun]

Hi,

I think that when she had feelings for you and told you, you didn't respond the way she wanted so she closed up. You have some work to do now. She may still care for you but it's going to be harder to get her to open up.

 

Try giving her a little time and then start calling her again. I think you have the right idea: be her friend and be flirty, try taking the pressure off of the situation in this way. If she responds well then you can ask her out again and go from there. Good luck !

[HCI]

thankyou very much for reading and responding.

 

Well, I called her after 18 days. For me it felt like a long time I decide that I only should keep it very short and show no emotions. Everything went good, but when I ended the conversation she asked if she could call me later that evening. I said ok. I went to the gym and she calls home to me in the meantime and she calls me again later after I have got home. We talk a little about what we have been up to lately and I end the conversation after about 15 minutes.

 

I called her two days later. We talked short and I said I was to meet a frien downtown and asked her if she would like to meet. She said ok, and I said that I would call her when I know when I can pick her up with the car. When I call her 30 minutes later she says I can come home to her instead. I said ok.

 

It felt so strange to go there. When I stood outside the door to the building, waiting for her, I did not know what to feel. When I see her I get overwhelmed with emotion, but I keep cool. I had decided not to initiate contact like hugging so it felt strange just to say "Hi". We stand there, it felt uncomfortable and then she hugs me. We went up to the apartement and sit down in the couch.

 

I had decided not to get emotional and tell her all about my personal problems I had during the period we dated. But I did. She started to tell me how she was certain she had cancer and I jokingly said to her are crazy, you are a hypochondric.". She then tells me that 2 years ago she thought she had HIV and that was the worst period in her life. I then feel I have to tell her and do that. I tell a long and quite emotional story about the whole period we dated, how happy I had been to meet her and so on. I ALSO slipped my tongue and said that I still had feelings for her. I tell her how I thought I had different STD and actually told her that that was the reason I did not invite her home with me and acted nervous and "buddy-like" much of the time.

 

During this whole conversation I notice that she sometimes feels uncomfortable because she feels bad that she dumped me when I had gone trough rough times. I told her that it had absolutely not been my purpose and told her I was sorry, but it was inevitable to bring it up when she brought up her HIV story.

 

A nice thing was that when I spoke about one of our dates she says you know what I think you really liked?" "I think you loved when I removed my piercing when we made out". I said "yes, it was lovely."

 

After I had "the talk" with her we sat on the couch and talked about other things. She showed me photos from a trip she had been on and put on a cd that we love. Sometimes when we sat there words did not come and we stared in eachothers eyes for long time. Each time she started to giggle little after a while and I asked her what was fun(in a joking way).

She takes a guitar and plays a song aswell.

 

I decides to go home after have been there very long. I felt very strange emotionally and when I left I told her see you sometime in the future". She was upset and said sound like you mean 10 years". I first said could also be nine years" but then I said... "or one week."

 

I was about to exit the door, she comes up to me and hug me, and I drive home.

 

When I came home I had very mixed emotions about how I had conducted myself. The only positive thing was that I never during the two hours asked her for a second chance or anything. I also wonder how she can feel comfortable with sitting there in the couch with me listening to "our" favorite songs for one hour, even when I had told her I still have feelings for her. What should I do???