We're on a break - what do i do???

[Phoenix_girl]

Hi,

 

Im looking for some advice. My bf told me a few nights ago that we need to have a break. Prior to this i hadnt talked to him in 2 weeks because he wasnt answer my calls ect. anyway he said that he needs to work things through and that for the most part he defintately still loves me very much. I feel lost a confused right now. He says that if i want to still consider him my bf I can but when i asked if he still considered me his gf he said he couldnt answer that. He said he doesnt plan to look for anyone else but that if one of us should find someone then we shouldnt feel hindered. The impression i got from him is that he doesnt want to do this. It took him 2 weeks to tell me this and i know it was a very painful thing and what im understanding is that he feels he can be fair to me right now and so is giving me the chance to find someone else if i choose to. I want to help him and i want to be there with him. I have never really understood what is meant by 'break'. ive heard form some of my friends that we'll get back together and be closer and others have said that this is his way of ending it for any reason from hes just bored to hes cheating on me. I dont know what to think and i dont know what to do. I dont believ ein the NC rule, but im not sure how much space he needs. I want to suggest we kepe the relationship going (one reason is its lon distance and he cant afford to come see me, but im more then happy to go to him). Please give me some advice. any is welcomed. how can i tell whether my relationship will survive??/ I love him will all my heart and a part of me wants to marry him. we've been together a year. I just dont know what to do.

 

Thank you

[Phoenix_girl]

My bf said that he needs to sort out his life (he didnt say that it had anything to do with me). He said he needs to save money and work out his finances and figure out work and school. Hes 25 and im 20 and we've been together for a year (July 18th is out anniversary). We didnt even talk about this it just sort of happened but i get the feeling it isnt what he wants. I want to talk to him about it, but i know I shouldnt push him. He lives at home which he hates and his job isnt that great. It gets him down a lot. I dont want him to call this break if he is worried that he cant give me enough because thats a non issue for me right now. Im still in school and im not looking for a lot right now - just love. But i just dont know how to talk to him about this right now (esp since hes not in a talking mood).

[deebee]

It sounds as though he is depressed. From my own experience of mild to moderate depression, I have found it very difficult to love when I feel like that. I also find it very difficult to talk about anything, let alone deep emotions. I withdraw into myself and just need to get past it. Has he had episodes like this before?

 

What I've found is that others tend to take my silence and introspection as some sort of insult, sulk or comment on them. But inside I am just trying desparately hard just to keep myself together and operate on a normal level. So for me, it is important that people I love are 'on my side', even if when I know I'm not fun to be around!

 

He has said that he still loves you, so that should be some consolation even though it is a difficult time for you. Try giving him the time and space he needs. You have already let him know you are there for him and aren't judging him, which is good.

 

'Not giving you enough' may be the issue for him though, despite your support (which I applaud). Maybe he feels bad that he should be able to do better for you? Does he have self-esteem and self-confidence issues?

 

The finance thing also strikes a chord. I was made redundant last year and, despite a pay off, had to live off my savings for many months. This was a highly stressful time for me, trying to spend as little as possible, not knowing how long I would have to make my money last. It was made worse by not being able to find meaningful employment.

 

So that made me feel bad about myself too and had a knock-on effect on the relationship I was in. But now I've had a temp job for a few months and have been paying my bills. It has relieved the pressure a lot! If my gf hadn't dumped me, I'd be feeling great!!

 

I guess the main point is that things will get better for him. If you decide to stick around for him when they do, I think will appreciate you even more! Is this any help?

[Phoenix_girl]

It is of great help. He does have a tendency to get down in the dumps sometimes and when he does he doesnt talk all that much - he just plays on his computer. It seemed to be happening more and more lately so i figured that he was going to be working his life out and i prepard myself for the inevitable times when i wouldnt see him or talk to him all the time and for just being by his side through this. BUt yes, ever though he still loves me it does still hurt. Hes been a big part of my life and I to and just straightening out my life, but now i feel lost again. I guess what i really want right now is a guarentee that we will get back together. Like i said before - I want to spend my life with him.

As for confidence, hes always had good confidence in himself, he never really cared what people might say about him.

[deebee]

Ah yes, good old computer games! My friends I know things are bad if I am playing PC games a lot. A bit of escapism may be a good thing in the circumstances! They allow you to operate in a different world, which is logical and free from this world's emotional troubles. They give you a form of control which may be lacking in real life.

 

I guess you won't get the guarantee about getting back together that you need, but be reassured that he said he loves you and hasn't said the relationship is failing or he wants out. Hopefully, once he sorts himself out things will be better.

 

Does he know how to get himself out of it? It took me a while to work out how to cope. It is obviously affecting your relationship though. Would some counselling help? Let me know how you get on.

[Mun]

Hi Phoenix girl,

It sounds like your bf knows exactly what he needs to get through this rough time. Maybe he feels that he can't give you emotionally right now and he doesn't want to hurt you. Take that as a sign of how much he cares for you. A break is just a little bit of space to not have to worry about the relationship(on top of all his other troubles). Relax girl. Let him come out of this one.

 

I can see where he is at and it's difficult for him all around. His self-esteem is low. The best you can do is to leave him alone while also letting him know you care.

 

What you need to do at this time is get on with your life. Go out with your friends, read a book, do the things you enjoy. When he calls be cheery and flirty. He will come out of this soon enough.

 

Love

[Phoenix_girl]

Well today marked my....well i guess its my one year anniversary with my bf, but its not really anymore......so confusing. Anyway...it was kind of depressing today. I didnt hear from my bf. Im thinking he likes the NC rule, but i cant stand it. Im a very emotional person and a very....i dont want to say touchy feely but in a way i am. I guess maybe im just as confused as my bf right now, except i am sure that we belong together. I did something last night that i have never done in my life - i got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed that my bf wil find his way back to me. Am i being selfish??? I want him to be happy, but i want him to be happy with me.

[deebee]

No it's not selfish at all. Who doesn't want to love and be loved back?! But it is difficult for you when he feels he can't reciprocate.

 

It is illuminating to see this from 'the other side'. When I am depressed I get so wrapped up in my own world with it's problems (usually self-inflicted). It can be a shock to see yourself how others see you, enough to snap out of it. I don't want to be like that, and I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't either.

 

I think it had a negative impact on my last relationship. My ex claimed she understood how I felt, but I always felt that to be just lip servicel. When push came to shove it was used against me in the break up.

 

That's why I hope that I can give provide some insight that will help you guys through this situation. Take Muneca's advice and ride it out. You still love each other and that's what counts!