advice on this email conversation

[JeJe]

Okay, can you guys help me out with this. My X wanted the divorce. I was devistated. I begged him back for over two months. He stood his ground. Now i am trying to really make an effort to move on and i just don't understand why he is being this way. Mind you he doesn't want to get back together. I feel like he is just trying to hold me down. I was really whipped with him. Anyways, any advice would be great. Oh you have to start from the bottom up on the emails.

 

His reply

Because I love you..... I can't just let you go... I'll try ... I'm sorry... .

 

Bye.. Going for a drive

 

Me

 

My reply

Listen on a serious note. Mike i cannot move on talking to you. My stupid heart won't let go. Even emailing is not good. I wish that it were not like this but it is. You are going to hold me back from letting my heart love someone else. I am not afriad to say that i liked loving you. I want to love someone. I hope that i will find someone that will love me forever. I cannot be unfair to my furture. I would love to talk to you forever but it just cannot happen. I have to start to let go.

 

what do you say about just cutting our loses. I mean you wanted this divorce so you had to have thought that we were not going to make it. why do this? why stay friends?

 

His reply

I hate you

 

My reply

Okay, if i ever do talk to you for some odd reason or i see you somewhere i won't talk about my boyfriend.

 

His Reply

Well?

 

My reply

Mike, this deal would only be needed if we plan on staying in touch.

 

His reply

Deal we will never ask each other about others in our lives. And you can't bring it up to hurt each other either ... Do we have a deal?

 

My reply

I am not angry. I just don't understand why you feel the need to ask. I don't want to lie to you about this stuff and i haven't so far but i just don't feel that you should ask. I mean i don't feel it's any of your business.

 

His reply

Hey hey, You where the one so intent on telling me about the others.. I didn't think it would be a big deal if I asked you if you had meet anyone "special" yet. Again I apologize..... I don't want to make you angry with me.

 

My reply

Is that all you need to hear to not feel any more hurt? I can help you out if that's all you need to hear. If that is something that will make you feel better. I don't see how you are feeling too much hurt any way!

 

His reply

Sorry... just wondering... it's the last thing I am waiting to hear about.... Then no more hurt.. sorry

 

my reply

If by hook up you mean get drunk and kiss, sex, or anything else that i wouldn't do sober that would be a big NO!

 

his reply

You hook up yet

 

my reply

Yes Mike there were.

 

his reply

Real answer......

 

my reply

Mike, do you want a real answer or are you playing games right now? Why do you want to know this? Is it going to make you feel better?

 

his reply

Cute guys!?

 

my reply

Going out on Friday and Going to a party on Satuarday.

 

his reply

What did you end up doing

 

my reply

Yes

 

his reply

That's cool.... Did you have a good weekend?

[sisterlynch]

The fact that you were really whipped made him take you for granted. Maybe he now realizes that the divorse was a bad idea, he just hasn't grown up enough to realize that with his whole heart.

 

He only feels his own loneliness and he wants to punish you for moving away from him.

 

The really weird thing about loving someone is that the love for them remains even when you try to move forward. He didn't understand this, I guess.

 

He feels vulnerable and he wants you to remain vulnerable. I especially like it where you say that it is none of his business. He needs to really get that point to move forward.

[AzurePhoenix]

Sisterlynch has some great points.

 

I found the review of his responses very telling. Your responses are for the most part neutral.. his are leading the conversation.. if you just read his leading questions and comments.. you will quickly see where he is coming from.

 

You are spot on.. in this case the best course of action is no contact. This will faciltate the emergence of your new life and attitudes.

 

~AzurePhoenix

[lunatic]

Geez this guy sounds very confused. I mean to keep stringing someone along like this is not right. I think you did the right thing in telling him that your moving on. I bet he never thought it would happen or happen so fast. Some men are very selfish and immature. You can do better for yourself JeJe.

 

I know only one thing and that is time heals all wounds.

 

Just give yourself the time to heal before you start dating again.

 

Hubman 8)

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I am sorry you are going through a divorce right now. I've done it before too and it is extremely painful.... *hugs*. I think you did well with your email responses to his inquiries. I think sisterlynch is right.... he wanted the divorce then didn't count on still having feelings for you. True, the love doesn't just die when you split up. Someone can hurt you, betray you, disrespect you, etc., and you can still love them. Only time helps you feel better.

 

I am not really sure why he is questioning you like this, but he is most likely trying to sort through a lot of feelings right now.... if I knew how guys thought, it would solve a lot for me too! He no doubtedly still loves you. He wouldn't say it if he didn't, especially at this point. I don't know the circumstances of your divorce but he might have thought the grass was greener on the other side and might be realizing it's not. Regardless, if the divorce is final, there's nothing you can do about that. I think you're doing great. I think that the longer you remain as strong and dignified as you can, he'll find that most attractive, rather than begging and pleading, which you've already noticed. Being sure of yourself is admirable and more attractive than helpless and clingy.....

 

I wish I could fix it all for you... I'm so sorry. I remember the pain well. Years later, it still bothers me but not to the point of crying. I try not to give power to the sorrow because I feel that it already took so much time out of my life, I refuse to give it another day. I hope you can either move on or work it out with him.

[mkemmet]

I read before that scientific studies on emotional reactions to breakups proved that it takes 9 weeks of no contact to completely "get over" someone to the point where they do not preoccupy your mind or haunt your thoughts.

 

No contact is the best approach...Good luck and warmest wishes.

[lunatic]

Interesting theory but, I heard something different. I heard that the total time you were with someone divide it by two and that is how long your probably going to be remorsing over the ex. I personally think that it is different everyone because some heal faster than others.

 

hubman 8)

[JeJe]

Thanks for all your advice and support!

I have to say that i was starting to think that i was going a little crazy because he made me think i was being really ruthless by trying to stick with the no contact rule. Just hearing that i am doing the right thing by no contact makes me feel a lot better.

 

He keeps sending me his number (which i delete immediately). I tell him that i don't want it because when i drink i want to call him and well you guys have probably all been there. 4 1/2 years of dating and 6 months of marriage for nothing. I never imagined that breaking up would be this hard. ..

 

Again, Thank you to everyone!

JeJe

[vetgirl]

JeJe

Just wanted to say that you are handling yourself exceptionally well. You are acting very calm and mature in the face of emotional turmoil. You should be commended and I hope you know that your strength is a model for other members of the forum. Keep up the good work. There are definitely good things in store for you!

[JeJe]

Vetgirl,

Thanks for the kind words. Trust me this is after alot of help from this website, counseling and seeing the truth about myself and the relationship that i had. I think that i am a product of how this website really can help people.

 

JeJe