how to talk to him about the past

[babydoll32]

i dunno what to ask him or even how to ask him about his past. hes had a lot of gfs and i don't think that i can ever amount to what they were. his last gf was his first love and i have no chance against that cuz everyone remembers their first love. you'll always love them in the back of your mind won't you? i can't compete with that! help. i don't know how to ask him about what they had...or should i even go there. should i just leave well enough alone and not think about what they have done and how good things were with them. maybe i don't want to know why he loved her so much?

[Trojanmn2]

I think mainly your problem with you worrying so much is that you're very insecure. Sure we remember our first loves, but theres a reason it ended and why they're apart now, I found what real love was, and in the same real love, i experienced my real heartbreak and yes it hurts so bad that I burned the bridge with her I never want to go back, you never know if this guy feels the same way either about his ex.

 

What matters now is what you want out this relationship you guys have now. If you want to know about this person, all about this person, you will get to know his past eventually, of course at his permission. I'm sure that he will be able to share with you his past relationships, to know what failed, what worked with him and relate them with your wants and desires out of him and this relationship. I go by a saying that the key to good working, effective, relationship is open communication and laughter, through that I believe it will strive. You would want him to be more open with you do you not? Make sure to reciprocate and do the same for him. But keep in mind that he is not required too, but it does increase the closeness of you two in the relationship.

 

One thing that you should remember as well is don't worry about competing, be yourself and be true to yourself first and don't worry about trying to best his ex's, because you'll only overworking yourself and stressing yourself in the end if you're just trying to please HIM in the relationship. Relationships are all about taking risks and to see if you guys are compatible enough to be together. They're also about not just finding more about a person, but yourself and what you want as well. I tell ya that if you do leave everything unsaid by not talking about it, things would be not as good and just covered up, repressing something that could arise problems in the future in the case that you make a mistake that his ex g/f did or whatever, and it could be the same vice versa with your side too, I am supposing you never have been in love either and thats why you're so worried that you dont' know it is to feel what he's feeling, so i'm saying be yourself dont worry about these ex g/f's that he's been with. Don't try to live up to them, live up to how you want the relationship to be and dont be afraid to be open with each other. Good luck and best wishes!!

[shazza]

Heya!

 

I agree, yes you do remember your first love fondly but its more because you were so young and so overwhelmed by being in love for the first time. Time changes this perspective, trust me. Although I look back on (most of) my loves fondly, they ENDED for a reason...Its foolish to try and compete because in actual fact he's with YOU now, so you're in the better position! If you relax and let things happen naturally, you will both become so consumed by the "OMG - I can't believe I found this person!" feeling you will think you're the luckiest two people in the world!

 

And I speak from experience...having been dumped by my bf of 4 years at the start of this year, I met someone 2 months ago (when I least expected it) and he's had to deal with me still being really close with my ex, as I have had to deal with him being friends (and working with) his ex! And she's told him she's jealous of us...but instead of worrying about her, (or him worrying about my ex) we've both just trusted that both relationships are in the past for a reason, and we're both totally thrilled to be embarking on something new - together! Unless you sense he still has strong feelings for her, and is comparing the two of you, I wouldn't even bother finding out the details....you'll just end up over analysing and make yourself more paranoid! If they were meant to be, he would still be with her. Now he is with you and if you guys are meant to be, then it will be.

 

Think about it this way - the first time you had a best friend as a kid, someone you played with, grew up with and did everything with...even if you don't see them now, you probably still cherish that person's role in your life, right? But we grow, we change, and I bet you cherish your friends now just as much, because they love the person you have become. When two people share something - be it friendship or love - sometimes its nice to hang on to, because its a part of who we are. But the people in our present are the ones we usually devote most of our time and energy to....so have faith in yourself and enjoy it!

 

You don't have to compete....there is no competition! He's with you now, so you've already won

[babydoll32]

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice if you read this. you both make a lot of sense and i'm glad ppl like you are out there with intelligent things to say and share.

I don't know what i'm going to do yet. i know i will talk with him but i can't be sure that i'm going to be able to ask the questions i feel like i need the answers to.

As you suggested, i don't think that learning all about his past will make me feel any better... but to put my mind at ease i'm going to have to find out something. I think i'll go with just asking what he knows works in relationships with him and what doesn't for now. I'll keep it general and not get into specific experiences, perhaps some of that will come out later. Good idea? I don't know, but thats about all i can bring myself to do right now.

Thanks again, you guys are great.