When friends manipulate them to think you are a bad person

[bgbillo]

To make a long story short, My girlfriend and I had been seeing one another for a while, at which points our lives got very hectic and stressful. We really cared about one another, and so with our busy lives we started seeing less of each other. Well, I got a little frustrated when she stopped calling as often, and so I didn't know what was going on and sent her an email that I shouldn't have. All I asked was whether something was up and how after she just told me she was in love with me, only a few weeks later she's barely talking to me. From the beginning of our relationship, a couple of her friends stated that they didn't think we'd work because we were both hard headed, when in reality our religious difference was their problem. Anyhow, We talked this out in the beginning of the relationship and things were fine. I had a little trouble hanging out with her friends after that, but I never insulted them or was harsh against them. My friends were totally cool about the relationship and thought it was good. Anyhow, after the email, she lost it and went off on me, which partly I did deserve, eventually she slowly faded me out without really trying to deal with the issue. I know her well enough to know that her friends were manipulating her now that the relationship had gotten serious. Anyhow, I spoke with some friends about it and they didn't really understand it, but I recently found out that her friends were twisting my words and manipulating my actions to force who to stop seeing me. She really is a special girl, and is older than her friends, 26, while they are 20 (and married) and 24 (a previous drug addict with a five year odd), and so they forced her against which I recently found out, and a mutual friend started talking to one of my friends when she had a problem, and he told me how she was starting to realize how things were untrue they were telling my friend. Now we have been through a lot and not a great break up, and haven't spoken in over a month and been not really dating for about 3 months. I just want to know if anyone knows of good ways to help her at least realize that they tainted the picture and tried to make me out to be this crazy guy that I am not. I would love for us to have a second chance, and if not that at least have my friends back. Its hard because we are in the same major at school and when semester starts back up, we'll run into each other alot. First and foremost I do want to say that I became a negative person for some of this relationship due to the death of my friend which I didn't tell anyone about, and so I was acting out of character, so I hope someone can have some helpful advice. Thanks in Advance.

[neelie]

Hmmm....I think that there is more to this story. What exactly did you say in this letter? If you used foul language or accused her, it's especially hard to forgive as things can be misconstrued over email easily. It seems as though you are blaming a lot of your breakup on her friends....do you really in you heart feel that this is true? More often we continue to date ppl who our friends don't like rather than break up with them bc of our friends. It doens't souond as though you have great communication between you two...so I would write her a letter, and instead of pointing blame at her friends (a BIG no no that will push her away) put the blame on yourself and tell her what exactly it is with examples that you could have done better. But don't beg. You can mention the death of your friend, but again since you didn't even mention it to her, points to a HUGE lack of communication between you two. It's unlikely this death is the only issue making you act the way you act.

 

Good Luck

Neelie

[bgbillo]

Thanks for your advice. I actually tried to talk with her, and even wrote her a letter, but in reality, I have several people even insiders who heard this manipulation. Our relationship had its problems, and I made my mistakes I admit that, and have admitted them to her. The problem was this whole thing was blown out of proportion. Like at one point I asked a mutual friend, "I don't know what happened, I mean maybe it was religion, but that was something she always said wasn't a problem. We've even said that if we ever decided to get married, it wouldn't be an issue, or we'd deal with it." This was then relayed to her as "We are supposed to get married or such, and that is what I mean. She had one friend who specifically was a problem, and that is the 20 year old who is married. She is a very closed minded person, and her father was in the hospital dying, and so she could've said anything to my ex to convince her I was a jerk. In the letter I didn't use foul language, I simply asked her if something changed, if someone said something about religion or something else, and that is she trying to send me signals to break up or something? Granted, I know she probably read it and told it to her friend who decided it was the most horrid thing in the world. The insider that ended up informing me of this said, she couldn't believe some of the things that were said and so now that she has heard the truth is saddened by it. Overall, I am not saying I was not at fault in any way, I made my mistakes, I admit to that, but they were manipulated into these horrid things they weren't. This also occurred right after she said she was in love with me, and I am sure told her friend that who thought we'd just fade away before it got serious.

[bgbillo]

I forgot to comment on this. As for my friend who passed away, this happened a couple of months before we started dating, and was something I actually told no one about, I just needed time to absorb it because I had saved this friend's life when were kids, and then he only lived a few more years. It just made me a little negative sometimes. I told her after we broke up, to try and explain myself, but of course that pushed her away. As for this one friend I spoke of, she has even said that I am the reason another mutual friend doesn't talk to her, and that I am the reason, when I never said anything against her. She actually pushes people away, because at 20 years of age she believes because she's married she can tell people my age (24) and my ex-gf's age (26) how thigns work. This pushes people away. So, it is not completely beyond the realm that this happened. As for a fact, I know it did.

[DrNick]

Hi bg, first of all, let me tell you, you shouldn't beat yourself up over what you did. Yes, you made some mistakes and you may have said some stupid things, but we all do that, especially where strong emotions are concerned. try to learn from this mistake so that you don't repeat it again.

 

OK, getting down to your problems, I have had a very similar situation, and the best thing you can do is the following.

1. Apologise for what you said/did and explain why you did it. If she's not speaking to you, do it in a letter.

2. Tell her you're open to talk about it whenever she wants, but don't try to force her into talking on the spot.

3. Walk away and be prepared for the worst (ie. that you don't get back together).

 

Whatever you do, don't spend your time chasing after her. It will make her freak out and delay any possible healing process. I chased after my ex for about 3 months, and all I got was heartache, and it ended with a message from her telling me never to go near her again. As the male in the relationship, you need to show that you can accept responsibility for your actions, but also that you are prepared to accept her decisions. If she's not ready to get back together with you, don't try to force her. If her friends are manipulating her, there really isn't much you can do. Eventually she will realise that they are giving her bad advice, but it's not your job to point that out. Remember, you're the underdog at the moment, so she's hardly going to believe you. By getting angry with her or with her friends, you're only going to reinforce her feelings. The only way you can counter her friend's manipulation is to show your ex that you are not the person they say you are.

 

Good luck with it. No contact is very difficult, but also rewarding in the long run.

[bgbillo]

Hello Dr. Nick, thank you for your kinds words and your sound advice. As for suggestion #1, our break up was pretty bad, in reality she had decided we were broken up without really letting me know, and by simply shading away from me. I got a little frustrated and so I confronted her on it. I let my feelings out and so she pulled away more. I let my feelings that I had been holding in come out and all hell broke loose. That's when we cut contact. I later wrote her an email a week later saying that although I had romantic feelings for her, I had put those aside, because her friendship was more important to me. This was met with no response, but I had a feeling it might since things were so crazy at the end. Everyone says to just leave it alone, and so for now I have. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but I am at the point right now where I don't think it's possible because of the BS her friends spewed out, and that her best friend is the ring leader of this mess.

 

For the most part I truly miss my girlfriend as a friend, which is what we were first, and I hate to see her manipulated like this. I think her friend is a sweet girl, but it's as if she thinks for my ex-gf sometimes. We were great for each other as friends, and so that's what hurts, because we brought out the best in each other. Now I am at the point where as you said I want to help her, but I know that anything I say will simply be taken the wrong way, and actually be counter-productive. I wish there was a way to show how manipulative her friend is to her, but alas I don't know how or whether it is possible for that matter.

 

In reality, although I'd love to get back together with my ex, my friendship with her is the most important thing in my eyes. That's what I want back in reality, but I am not sure how to even get that. I know time heals all wounds, but I'll be graduating soon and so time is not on my side. Anyhow, in the end all that matters to me is that she is truly happy and she has what SHE wants out of life, not what her FRIENDS want for her. Maybe this will happen, I don't know. Based on what I've said, do you think I should send another letter or simply just play the waiting game and try to be my true self with everyone? Thanks for your help.

[DrNick]

Wow BG, your last post read, word for word, like what I went through with my gf. We were having some problems and my gf started avoiding me and not wanting to go out. In the end it got so bad that I broke it off with her, but I wanted to remain friends, because I valued her as a friend. She refused to even speak to me. Then I spent the next three months trying to be nice, trying to get her to talk about it, etc. All I managed to do was to push her away. A friend told me that the reason she didn't want to be friends was because she still had feelings for me and couldn't stand the thought of us being "only" friends. Sounds illogical, but then again, love is always illogical. By the time I came to realise this, it was too late and too much damage had been done for us to return to a relationship together. So I realised, as much as it hurt, that it was better to simply cut ties. I still miss her, but I am no longer in love with her, which makes things easier to cope with. I still see her occasionally in a group of friends, but we don't talk. She is slowly calming down, but I think my constant appeals for her to be a friend really pushed her away. It will take a long time for us to even get to the point where we can talk again. So don't make the same mistake I did. Practice no contact for a while (I'd say at least a month) and then, if you still have feelings for her, slowly start to make contact. However, don't talk about the past or about your feelings for her. Just keep it light and friendly, but make it clear by your behaviour that while you enjoy her company, you're not going to make any demands of her. Good luck. I know no contact seems like the most illogical thing to do, but sometimes you need to fight illogic with illogic

[bgbillo]

Well Dr. Nick, in this case she actually wanted to stay friends in the beginning, but I kept pushing. It has already been over a month since we've spoken (nc) and as far as I know she is doing well. The problem is that they way we broke up was really hard. I mean I can honestly say that I'd rather be friends with her right now than date, because its obvious she doesn't know what she really wants. Since we are in the same department and she'll be using my lab for her design project its going to make it harder, and we also have a lot of mutual friends. I wish I could just prove to her my intentions are just friendship, but I don't know how I can do that. I am at a point now where I know I can date someone else, but the friendship with her is very important to me. I can honestly say that if she hooks up with another guy, then I'd be happy for her, simply because that is what is most important to mewhen it comes to me. I just want here to be truly happy, and if I can be there for her than even better. I may simply talk to her if we run into one another or something if she seems open to it. I will not push, and so we will see. Any other advice anyone has to give on this would be greatly appreciated.