nearly 12 weeks N.C .. finally broke down today. i cant cope well!:(

[Leon91]

its now 5am ( UK time )

and of course, im still awake.

with a million things going through my mind. Not just her but debts and day to day things also and mainly because this time last year we were going to hospital to give birth to our daughter.

 

its my daughters birthday in 2 days and im dreading it!

i still cant understand how in just one year its gone so wrong?!

I have only seen her a handful of times since the beginning of the year, i dont really even know what she likes. its heartbreaking knowing your own child probably doesnt remember or recognise you. i havent got a clue where to even start with presents - if they would even be seen by her knowing her mothers side of the family

( im not good enough and nor is anything i do )

i feel a total failure to my daughter, when all i have ever wanted is a stable family with her.

 

i have tried to be as strong as possible since me and T broke up.

to be stranded out of the blue and not hear anything at all is so hard to deal with

especially when your one child lives with her and shes also pregnant with a second of mine.

she still has her phone off ( or new number )

and i still wish she was available to talk to as i would confide in her before anyone else when i needed support.

 

on top of the breakup i have a mountain of problems:

huge debts

a few birthdays

xmas

new year

its all gotten so out of hand!

and i really am struggling to find a solution and way out.

 

i recently adopted a border collie dog. mainly for company as believe me i have never been so alone in my life.

and she is taking up every second of every day of my time

but im not really complaining as shes a lovely dog.

 

i havent cried much since T dissapeard - i have pretended to everyone that im still me and im OK

( clearly a front, because crying to them is wasted as they really cant and wont be botherd to understand. )

but tonight i have just collapsed, i dont know why but tonight i just sort of gave up!

 

 

i cant let her go, as much as i want to!

..i find myself keeping items as they were before she left.for example:

 

the bed - i will not sleep on her side, and i always look, expecting her to be there.

a lighter- i was using a red lighter last time we hung out, and i wont use that now or move it at all.

every single text message i have kept

 

the only thing i cant do is watch programs we used to watch together or ones she liked because it rips me apart.

 

i dont know where i stand with anyone or anything anymore!

im up and down with my mood like a yo-yo

im not sleeping or doing anything useful.

 

i just dont know where to turn anymore

she was my lifeline now thats gone!

i wish i could sleep. this isnt healthy

 

shes crushed me and hurt me for so long that now shes gone i still want her back

i need help

 

 

[bro namath]

hey man, sorry to hear you're hurting so much. just know that you're not alone...pardon the pun. she sounds cold, which never ceases to amaze me how these ppl do this to other ppl. you're neither the first nor the last person who has received this treatment from a cold-hearted person. from what i've read, all i feel qualified to tell you is this:

 

-feel the feelings/emotions. don't fight them. let them process, even if it means crying when you want to, as much as you need. don't judge yourself, emotions, or your thoughts. sometimes it's a moment-to-moment or an hourly battle, but in time you'll be okay.

 

-don't avoid things. what i mean is tv shows that YOU like, things that YOU like to do, all because it reminds you of her. the more you avoid the more power those things will have. it's completely okay for these things to remind you of her. even a year after my break-up i still have thoughts of avoiding our old fave shows. for example, HBO sunday nights...but i told myself, hey i like those shows. matter of fact i thought to myself: I WAS THE ONE TO INTRODUCE HER TO THEM, so F it...i'm gonna watch. even last night a show on tv reminded me of my ex.

 

-don't stress over lack of sleep, just do the best you can. make sure you're eating

 

-i know this is cliche', but do something that has been known to make you feel good, whether it's listening to certain music or watching a game, funny movie, working out, go for a walk... i know this is tough to give a damn about, but at least try.

 

i don't come on the forum as much as i used to, but needless to say...we're here for you bro.