Fights with the boyfriend...sigh...*long-ish*

[KinkyCousin]

Now, I am aware that I am a pretty firey person to be with. I have a short fuse and it's not the easiest thing to deal with. I'm trying to avoid arguements at the moment by just non talking when I feel a conversation is heading that way and giving myself time to calm down.

 

Today, while talking on skype (we're in a LDR) my foreign boyfriend tells me that he and his grandfather were saying how England's suburban streets look so depressing with the grey weather and terraced houses. Now, I can take a joke about England, but he didn't seem like he was joking. I didn't react strongly at first, I asked him if he thought this when he came to England and he used the street I live in as an example of a depressing street. I found it a bit weird that he was telling me this. When I told him so he first told a few jokes that were supposed to lighten the mood (but didn't) and then basically started implying that I was acting like his ex who apparently used to freak out if anyone made a single joke about her country.

 

I'm not super patriotic but England is my home, where my family live, where I grew up, where most my memories took place, my background, and while I can't control what he thinks I really don't know why he decided to tell me he thinks my area is depressing. Bear in mind we have plans to live together next year...in *his* country. He knows I am fond England though despite agreeing to move so it's not as if he thought I hated it here.

 

So, working on my temper, I went silent for a bit, and he got sulky. The weird part was I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong to upset him. I broke the silence and tried to explain why I was upset with his comment and the fact he was implying that I am weird and like his ex for not being thrilled about it. He first did one of his fake apologies that he seems to do when he wants to shut me up (although denies it completley). He then began throwing weird things at me like "it's just a country, who else gives a s**t?", "name one other person who'd get bothered by that" (I did, two in fact), "most normal people don't get all crazy over their country"(that stung for a personal reason) and my favourite, "Funny how I was just talking to my grandad that day about how you *don't* get all butthurt over your country".

 

So yeah, stupidly my temper got the better of me. I was much more upset by his coldness than the original comment! I basically yelled about how it's not fair for him to make me feel like a bad person for finding it a bit weird of him to say that to me, and that it's not fair of him to get so cold towards me. He said I am not moving in with him till I stop with my temper, I said I am not moving in with him if he keeps getting so cold towards me. He said I was giving him a headache and went away to get painkillers and I hung up. He's now gone to bed.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel both of us played our part. I know I have problems with my temper and I find it difficult to calm down, but he has a problem with going cold and basically prodding at me repeatedly when I'm trying to calm down. It's so stupid, the comment about my area being depressing started it all but the real issue for me was his reaction. I mainly just needed to vent somewhere as I'm feeling pretty lonely

[odile]

While it's easy to understand why you would be disappointed that he doesn't feel for your country the way that you do,

it does seem like you are completely overreacting.

He was talking about a street-- not about you, and while the urge to defend your home may come instinctively,

it seems that you have taken this to the next level-- as if the comment made you feel personally defensive.

 

Comparing you to his ex was not a good move on his part, though, and instead of confronting and/or diffusing the situation, just made things worse by complicating the issue.

 

You both need to work on your communication skills.

You need to work on your temper, and your self-esteem.

And he needs to work on being more sensitive to your feelings

(having a different opinion is fine, and it's good that he felt that he could be honest with you about his, but he should not have defended his opinion by then putting you down).

[KinkyCousin]

Again, it's not so much the original comment that caused a fight as for the way he reacted to my confusion. I can't control what he thinks about where I live, however why did he need to tell me that? What am I supposed to do, redesign the street? Force my family to move somewhere he likes better? It wasn't brought up in conversation, it was completley out of the blue.

[ToF]

For the record, I think you over-reacted. He made a comment about how he felt about the country you happen to live in, and I don't think it was meant to be any more than that: a comment. Then again, I don't have a lot of patriotism myself so perhaps I can't relate much.

 

I can't control what he thinks about where I live, however why did he need to tell me that? What am I supposed to do, redesign the street? Force my family to move somewhere he likes better? It wasn't brought up in conversation, it was completley out of the blue.

 

I don't think he was asking you to change anything, really. Your reaction was very defensive, which will almost always lead to trouble. I don't think he should have brought up his ex, so that was a bad move on his part.

 

I really just don't see why this comment would cause such a problem. My boyfriend hates the town I'm from, and I couldn't care less. If he said something like that to me, I doubt I'd react much at all.

 

I know it wasn't the original comment that caused the problem. But his confusion about your reaction may stem from the fact that he simply does not get why you made a big deal out of it.

[geekgirl4]

Every couple has disagreements on some level. What makes those disagreements into problems are that people over react, are too defensive about it, or aren't respectful. While he didn't help that much, I think you started the fight and you helped it get worse. He wasn't putting you down or saying your street sucks. He made a general comment about his opinion on how gray streets can be depressing (which is true, in all honesty, no matter where you're from and how spiffy your country may be). I think his reaction was probably from how defensive you got - give the guy a break. He talks about how he feels about streets and you pretty much jump on him. I would be confused as hell (actually I am still confused on how you over-reacted).